Phubbing in Relationships: What Research Shows and What Helps

Attention and Trust Beyond Sexual Infidelity: A Relationship Essay

“Phubbing” blends phone and snubbing. It means ignoring the person you are with in favour of your phone. In relationships it is so common that most couples barely notice it, until one partner realises they are competing with a screen for the other’s attention.

Writer Anthony D’Ambrosio described the pattern in an Elite Daily essay. His scene begins at 5:30 in the morning: the alarm goes off, the phone comes out, and the loving text to a partner waits until every social feed has been checked. He argued that sex is not the only form of infidelity, and that partners are being robbed of attention every day. This article looks at the phone side of that argument: what the research actually shows, and what couples can do about it.

How common is phubbing between partners?

Very common. In a 2019 survey of 4,860 US adults, Pew Research Center found that:

51% of people in a relationship said their partner is at least sometimes distracted by their phone when they are trying to talk;
this rose to 62% among 30- to 49-year-olds;
40% said they are at least sometimes bothered by how much time their partner spends on their phone;
34% admitted they had looked through a partner’s phone without their knowledge.

The last figure matters. Phones do not only take attention away. They can also become a source of suspicion.

What the research shows, and what it doesn’t

Two early studies are cited most often.

At Baylor University, James Roberts and Meredith David surveyed 453 US adults for a 2015 study in Computers in Human Behavior. 46.3% said their partner had phubbed them, and 22.6% said it had caused conflict. In the researchers’ model, phubbing was linked to more conflict, which was linked to lower relationship satisfaction, and through that to lower life satisfaction and more depressive symptoms. People with an anxious attachment style reported more conflict over phones. Roberts summed it up this way: “Something as common as cellphone use can undermine the bedrock of our happiness.”

At Penn State and Brigham Young University, Brandon McDaniel and Sarah Coyne studied 143 married or cohabiting women. They used the term “technoference” for everyday interruptions from phones, computers and televisions. Most women said devices often interrupted meals, conversations and leisure time with their partner. More technoference went with more conflict over technology, lower relationship satisfaction and more depressive symptoms.

Both studies are surveys, so they show associations, not proof. As McDaniel put it, “we cannot assume causation.” It is likely that the effect runs in both directions. Phones can pull a couple apart, and partners who already feel distant may reach for their phones more often.

Why a phone at the table feels personal

Picking up a phone mid-conversation sends a message, even when none is intended: something else is more interesting right now. One such moment means little. Repeated many times a day, it starts to feel like rejection. This fits relationship research showing that small, ignored attempts at connection add up over time.

The deeper question of neglect, and whether it really deserves to be called “cheating,” is the subject of our companion piece, Is Neglect a Form of Cheating? Attention, Bids and Everyday Trust.

Phone agreements that couples actually keep

Blanket bans rarely last. Specific, shared rules work better. Choose two or three that fit your life:

Phone-free meals. Phones face down in another room, not on the table.
A greeting buffer. The first ten minutes after either of you gets home are for each other, not notifications.
Bedroom boundaries. Charge phones outside the bedroom, or agree on a screens-off time.
Say it out loud. If you must check something, say what and why: “I need to answer my manager, two minutes.” This turns a snub into a shared decision.
Trim the pull. Turn off non-essential notifications so the phone interrupts less often.
A no-blame signal. Agree on a word or gesture that means “I’ve lost you,” so either partner can flag phubbing without starting a fight.

Review the rules after a few weeks. Keep what helps and drop what doesn’t.

When the phone is a symptom, not the cause

Sometimes the phone is the problem. Sometimes it is a sign of something else: avoidance after unresolved arguments, loneliness, burnout, or secrecy. If one partner guards their phone closely and the other feels the need to check it, the issue is trust, and phone rules alone won’t fix it.

In that case it helps to talk directly about expectations: what privacy each of you needs, which kinds of online contact feel fine, and which cross a line. Couples often have different assumptions here without ever having said them aloud. If those conversations keep turning into fights, a couples counsellor can help.

A quick self-check

Do you reach for your phone during pauses in conversation?
Has your partner asked, “Are you even listening?” in the last week?
Do you check your phone before saying good morning to the person beside you?
Would you feel slighted if your partner used their phone the way you use yours?

If several answers are yes, start with one small change rather than a rule for your partner. As D’Ambrosio’s essay suggests, the most convincing message is to put the phone down first.

For a different artistic view of the private routines of a relationship, see Amanda Oleander Illustrates the Private Side of Love.

Sources: Anthony D’Ambrosio, Elite Daily; Pew Research Center, Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age (2020); Baylor University news on Roberts & David (2015); Penn State news on McDaniel & Coyne.

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