Why Empaths Feel Drained Around Fake People, and What Science Says

First published January 14, 2017.

Many people who describe themselves as empaths say they feel tense, tongue-tied or worn out around someone who seems fake. That reaction is real and worth taking seriously. What it is not, according to psychology research, is a reliable lie detector. The most likely explanation is a mix of high sensitivity to social cues, the effort of reading mixed signals, and the stress of not knowing where you stand. Understanding that difference lets you trust your feelings as information while still judging people by what they actually do.

What people mean by "empath"

"Empath" is a popular self-description rather than a scientific diagnosis. It usually means someone who picks up other people's moods quickly, feels them strongly and finds crowded or tense situations tiring.

The closest research concept is sensory processing sensitivity, the trait psychologists Elaine and Arthur Aron described in the 1990s and popularised as the "highly sensitive person". Their work suggests that a sizeable minority of people, often estimated at around 15 to 20 per cent, process sensory and emotional information more deeply than average. Such people tend to notice subtle details, feel overstimulated more easily and react more strongly to both positive and negative experiences. A 2014 brain-imaging study of 18 married adults, led by Bianca Acevedo of UC Santa Barbara with Arthur and Elaine Aron of Stony Brook University, found that highly sensitive participants showed stronger activity in brain areas linked to awareness and empathy when looking at photos of smiling or sad faces.

A related idea is emotional contagion: the well-documented tendency to catch the feelings of people around us, often by unconsciously mirroring their faces, posture and voices. Some people do this more than others.

Why "fake" behaviour feels so draining

Put those traits together and the discomfort makes sense without any special power. Someone who is performing an emotion they do not feel often sends mixed signals: warm words with a tight face, enthusiasm that does not match their tone, stories that keep growing. A sensitive person notices the mismatch and their brain keeps working to resolve it. That background effort is tiring.

Uncertainty adds to it. When you cannot tell what someone really thinks of you, your body may treat the situation as a mild threat. Common signs include:

• sweaty palms and a faster heartbeat
• trouble finding words or answering simple personal questions
• wanting to leave, then feeling guilty for wanting to
• a heavy, drained feeling afterwards

These are ordinary stress responses. They tell you a lot about how an interaction feels to you. They do not, on their own, tell you why the other person behaves as they do.

The kinds of people sensitive people find hardest

Self-described empaths often list the same situations. Each has a plain explanation:

• The relentless pleaser. Someone who agrees with everything and sacrifices constantly to be liked. The effort shows, and it is hard to relax with someone who never says what they want.
• Anger dressed as friendliness. Irritation leaking through a cheerful surface is one of the clearest mismatches people pick up.
• The armoured personality. A person who covers insecurity with toughness or rigid opinions can make every conversation feel like a contest.
• The person who contradicts themselves. When words, values and actions keep pointing in different directions, trust is hard to build.
• The exaggerator. Stories that become bigger with every telling leave listeners unsure what to believe.

It is worth noticing that many of these people are not malicious. People-pleasing, defensiveness and embellishment are often learned ways of coping with insecurity or a wish to belong. The original version of this idea claimed that empaths directly sense the hidden pain behind such behaviour. That is a kind interpretation, but it is a guess. It may be true in some cases and quite wrong in others.

What research says about detecting deception

If any group could reliably spot insincerity by feel, lie-detection studies would show it. They do not. A widely cited 2006 meta-analysis by Charles Bond and Bella DePaulo, combining studies with more than 24,000 participants, found that people judging whether others are lying are right about 54 per cent of the time, only a little better than chance. Training, confidence and professional experience improve accuracy surprisingly little.

Sensitivity to emotion and accuracy about intentions are different skills. You can notice correctly that someone is tense and still be wrong about the reason. They may be lying, or they may be nervous, unwell, distracted, shy, or simply having a bad day. Strong gut reactions can also be shaped by our own past experiences: someone who reminds us of a difficult parent or former partner may set off alarms they have done nothing to earn.

Myths worth letting go of

"If I feel uneasy, they must be fake"

Unease is a signal to pay attention, not a verdict. Look for patterns over time before deciding.

"Empaths absorb other people's energy"

There is no evidence for a transfer of energy. There is plenty of evidence that moods are contagious and that constant social vigilance is exhausting, which explains the feeling well.

"Being sensitive is a weakness"

Research on highly sensitive people suggests the trait cuts both ways. The same people who are drained by tense company often benefit more than others from supportive relationships and calm surroundings.

Practical ways to protect your energy

You do not need to diagnose anyone to look after yourself. A few approaches help:

• Name what you noticed. "Her words were friendly but she kept checking her phone" is more useful than "she's fake".
• Watch behaviour over time. Do their actions match their promises? Do they respect your boundaries? Can a concern be raised calmly?
• Limit contact without drama. Shorter visits, group settings or a polite exit are all fair choices.
• Recover deliberately. Quiet time, a walk or time with people who feel safe helps the nervous system settle.
• Allow for being wrong. First impressions can change when you get to know someone.

If anxiety, a racing heart or exhaustion around other people happens often or interferes with work and relationships, talk to a doctor or a qualified mental health professional. Those symptoms can have many causes, and support is available.

The honest takeaway

Feeling uncomfortable around someone is valid, and you are allowed to act on it by keeping your distance. The healthier step is to treat that feeling as the start of a question rather than the answer. Being sensitive gives you early warning. Paying attention to what people do, consistently and over time, tells you whether the warning was right.

Sources: Idea first shared by Power of Positivity; Wikipedia: Sensory processing sensitivity; Wikipedia: Emotional contagion; Stony Brook University (June 2014): highly sensitive brains and empathy; Bond, C. F. and DePaulo, B. M. (2006), "Accuracy of deception judgments", Personality and Social Psychology Review; Bella DePaulo, Psychology Today: why are we so bad at detecting lies?.