8 Signs You're Falling in Love, and the Science Behind Them

The clearest signs that you are falling in love are surprisingly physical and a little irrational: you smile for no reason, you cannot stop thinking about one person, your heart races when they message, you start caring about your looks and their interests, and their flaws suddenly seem charming. None of this means you have lost your mind. Brain research suggests that the early stage of romance runs on a powerful mix of reward chemicals, which is why it can feel like a pleasant kind of madness.

Love has fuelled songs, novels and paintings for as long as people have made art. Everyone experiences it a little differently, but certain symptoms show up again and again. Here are eight of the most common, followed by what science says is happening behind the scenes and how to enjoy the ride without losing your footing.

8 common symptoms of falling in love

1. You try things you would never normally do

Suddenly you are at a yoga class, a football match or a jazz night, not because you have always wanted to go, but because it matters to them. Love makes people more willing to step out of their comfort zone. Psychologists call this self-expansion: a new partner brings fresh interests and experiences that make your own world feel bigger.

2. You smile much more

You catch yourself grinning at your phone on the bus or laughing at a message in a queue. A song, a smell or a passing remark reminds you of them and you light up, even when they are nowhere near. Strangers may give you odd looks. Let them.

3. You care more about how you look

You still want to win them over with your humour and kindness, but you also find yourself choosing clothes more carefully, booking a haircut or going to the gym with fresh energy. Looking after your appearance can give you a welcome lift in confidence, as long as it comes from feeling good rather than from fear of not being enough.

4. Your body reacts before your brain catches up

Your cheeks flush, your palms get damp, your stomach flips and you feel both nervous and thrilled at once. Some people lose their appetite or struggle to sleep. These reactions are real, and they have a chemical basis that we look at below.

5. You feel like singing

Humming while you cook, singing in the shower, dancing a little in the kitchen: people in a happy, carefree mood are more likely to do it, whether or not they can hold a tune. It is joy looking for a way out.

6. Someone else's needs start to matter as much as yours

From the moment you wake to the moment you fall asleep, they are on your mind. You begin to think about what they would like, how their day is going and what would make them happy. That shift away from self-focus is one of the gentler gifts of love.

7. You constantly wonder what they are doing

Are they at work? Did the meeting go well? What music do they like? Questions pop into your head all day. Curiosity is natural, but if it tips into checking their location or feeling anxious whenever they do not reply, it is worth stepping back.

8. You see them through rose-tinted glasses

Their voice, their laugh, the way they move, even their quirks all seem wonderful. Small flaws look endearing. This idealisation is so typical of early love that researchers have a name for it, as you will see next.

What happens in your brain when you fall in love

Anthropologist Helen Fisher and colleagues at Rutgers University describe romantic love as three overlapping systems, each linked with different chemicals:

• Lust is driven mainly by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen.
• Attraction, the giddy early stage, involves the brain's reward pathways. Dopamine and norepinephrine rise, which helps explain the energy, euphoria, sleeplessness and lost appetite. Brain scans show reward areas lighting up when people look at a photo of the person they are infatuated with.
• Attachment, the calmer bond of long-term couples, friends and parents, is linked with oxytocin and vasopressin.

A popular claim says that every "love hormone" simply increases when you fall for someone. That is not quite right. According to a review by Harvard's Science in the News, serotonin actually appears to fall in the attraction stage, and scientists have compared this with the low serotonin seen in obsessive-compulsive disorder. That may be why new love can feel so consuming, and why you cannot stop thinking about one person. Oxytocin and vasopressin are tied more closely to the deeper attachment that comes later than to the first rush.

Limerence: when infatuation takes over

In the 1970s, psychologist Dorothy Tennov interviewed hundreds of people about love and coined the word limerence for the intense, all-absorbing state of being infatuated. Its hallmarks include intrusive thoughts about the other person, a strong longing for the feeling to be returned, and what Tennov called "crystallisation": focusing on someone's best qualities and overlooking or reframing the rest.

Limerence often fades when the feelings are clearly returned and a stable relationship forms, or when hope of a relationship ends. In other words, the dizziness is usually a phase, not a permanent state.

Is it love or just infatuation?

In the early weeks, it is hard to tell. Some useful questions:

• Do you know the real person, including their bad moods and habits, or mostly an idealised version?
• Do you feel calm and like yourself around them, or constantly on edge?
• Is there mutual effort, honesty and respect, or are you doing most of the work?
• Does the connection still feel good after the excitement settles?

Infatuation is about how someone makes you feel. Love, over time, is also about who they are and how you treat each other.

Myths about being in love

• "If it is real, the butterflies will last forever." The intense early phase naturally calms down. That is not a sign love has died, but often a sign it is moving into attachment.
• "Love means losing yourself." Healthy love expands your life. If you are dropping friends, interests and values to keep someone happy, pay attention.
• "Jealousy proves how much you care." Constant checking and control are warning signs, not romance.

How to enjoy the early stage wisely

Savour it. The giddiness, the songs in your head and the silly smiles are among the best feelings people experience. At the same time, keep seeing your friends, keep your own hobbies, and give the relationship time to show you who the other person really is. When the rose-tinted glasses come off a little, the love that remains is the kind worth building on.

Sources: Love, Actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship, Katherine Wu, Science in the News, Harvard University (2017); Limerence (Dorothy Tennov), Wikipedia; original list idea from I Heart Intelligence.

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