My Dear Son, This Is How to Treat a Woman: A Father's Advice

A father's letter to his 12-year-old son on choosing a partner wisely and treating her with kindness and respect.

How should a boy learn to treat a girlfriend, and later a wife? In a 2015 letter to his 12-year-old son, published by The Good Men Project, writer Alex Lim gave a clear answer: look for someone who makes you want to be a better person, then treat her with steady kindness, respect and honesty. He split his advice into what to look for, a list of things to do, and a list of things never to do.

Below is a summary of that letter in our own words, followed by some context: which parts have aged well, which have drawn criticism, and how parents can turn the ideas into an ordinary conversation with their own kids.

The story behind the letter

The letter begins with a small, familiar moment. The son has mentioned that he is messaging a girl and plans to meet her at school. His father wants to ask a dozen questions (Is she kind? Is she clever? What music does she like?) but holds back so as not to embarrass him.

Instead, he writes. He jokes that when his son was little, he announced he would marry his mother one day. Since Dad is the only person who actually managed to marry her, he playfully names himself the family "expert" on finding the right woman. He admits his son will probably have several girlfriends before settling down, and says he hopes to save him from repeating his own mistakes.

He also warns him not to take relationship tips from friends his own age, borrowing a line from the Gospel of Matthew (15:14): "If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit."

What to look for in a partner

The father's main test is simple. Choose someone you genuinely admire, not only for her looks but for her mind, her attitude and the way she treats her family and friends. In his view, being around such a person naturally pulls you upward, and trying to be worthy of her improves you too.

Just as important is what he tells his son to ignore: race, ethnicity, popularity, social media likes, social status and even religion. The single question worth asking, he writes, is whether she makes you want to become a better person. If the answer is yes, you are with the right person for now.

This is the part of the letter readers argued about most. Some commenters worried that telling a boy to find someone "better than you" sets him up to feel inferior or to become a doormat. A kinder reading is that it is about admiration rather than ranking. A healthy relationship is one where both people respect each other enough to want to grow.

The dos: everyday courtesy and the things that really count

The father admits that his first suggestions sound old-fashioned, but insists that good manners still matter. Holding doors, helping carry things and offering a coat on a cold evening are the familiar basics. He then adds details he feels younger people often forget:

Let her order first at a restaurant, and wait until her meal arrives before starting yours.
Tell her sincerely when she looks lovely.
Greet her parents properly and politely, using their names, rather than with a casual "hey".
Speak respectfully about her parents even when they are not around, and even when she is annoyed with them.
Surprise her now and then for no particular reason. A real bunch of flowers beats a quick snap on social media.
Wait until she is safely home before you leave.
Walk on the side of the sidewalk nearest the traffic. The custom is traditionally explained as shielding your companion from passing carts, splashes and danger.
Keep private moments private.
Make her laugh.

Then come the three points he calls the most important of all: encourage her to aim higher at school, in sport and in life; nudge her to try new experiences that help her grow; and respect her opinions and decisions every time. He jokes that if his son manages most of the list, she will love him, and if he manages all of it, she will both love and respect him.

The don'ts: habits that quietly damage trust

The second list is shorter and blunter. In no particular order, the father asks his son never to:

Play cruel pranks on her. He is baffled by "prank" videos that humiliate girlfriends for views and says those millions of likes show how many people have not learned what a good partner looks like.
Be deliberately gross. Burping or worse in her face is disrespectful. Save that humour for your friends.
Swear at or about her, her family or her friends, whether she is present or not.
Break promises. If you say you will be somewhere, be there. Keeping your word is what separates a man from a boy.
Disappear into your phone. When you are together, give her your attention.
Lie or cover up mistakes. Admit what went wrong, change, and move on.
Shame or belittle her. When she makes mistakes, forgive genuinely and do not hold grudges.
Join in gossip. Listen if she wants to vent, but don't add fuel. She may find it frustrating at first but will respect it later.

He closes by reminding his son that a first girlfriend probably won't become his wife, but that following this advice can turn even a short romance into a lasting friendship. He ends with words from 1 Corinthians 13, one of the most popular readings at Christian weddings, which describe love as patient and kind, never boastful, rude or resentful, and glad when the truth wins. The letter is signed simply "Dada".

Why the advice still matters, and where it shows its age

Most of the letter is about character rather than romance tricks: keep your word, own your mistakes, don't humiliate people, listen. Those habits make someone a good friend, colleague and citizen, not just a good boyfriend.

A few points read differently today. Parents may want to frame the courtesy list as something everyone can offer anyone, rather than duties men owe women. Walking someone home safely, letting a guest order first and making your partner laugh are kind whatever your gender or your partner's. It is also worth adding something the letter only hints at: respecting her decisions includes respecting a "no", always, and never pressuring her about anything she is not comfortable with.

The phrase "better than you" can also be reframed for a modern teen. The aim is not to put a partner on a pedestal but to choose someone whose values you admire and who admires yours in return.

How to talk with your own son (or daughter) about relationships

Few twelve-year-olds want a lecture about dating, which is why a letter can work so well. Some practical ideas:

Write it down. Like this father, put your thoughts in a letter or message they can reread privately, without the awkwardness of a face-to-face talk.
Use real examples. Talk about a film, a song or a viral video and ask what they think was respectful or not.
Share your own mistakes. Teens listen more readily to "here's what I got wrong" than to rules.
Cover online life. Discuss what is okay to share, never forwarding private photos or messages, and how to handle pressure.
Keep the door open. Make it clear they can come to you with questions later, without being judged.

The heart of this letter is not a rulebook. It is a father telling his son that kindness, honesty and respect are what make love last, and that he will always be there to talk it through.

Sources: Original letter by Alex Lim, "My Dear Son, This Is How to Treat a Woman", The Good Men Project (9 August 2015), shared via Idealist Revolution; Wikipedia: 1 Corinthians 13; Wikipedia: Blind leading the blind.

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