Vernon Howard's 20 Secrets to Meaningful Relationships, Explained

Twenty Reflections on Building Meaningful Relationships

Meaningful relationships grow from people who know themselves, stay steady when others are unkind, and offer warmth without needing to control or be rescued. That is the core of a list of twenty short teachings that circulates online as “20 powerful secrets to meaningful relationships.” The ideas come from the American spiritual teacher Vernon Howard, who published them as “Twenty Special Secrets” in his book The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power.

Below, each of the twenty points is put into plain language, grouped by theme, and paired with a practical way to use it. Where modern psychology agrees, or where the advice needs a caution, we say so.

Who was Vernon Howard?

Vernon Howard (1918–1992) was born near Haverhill, Massachusetts, and started out writing humour and children's books in the 1940s. In the 1960s he turned to spiritual and psychological growth, later teaching in southern California and then Boulder City, Nevada. In 1979 he founded the New Life Foundation, a nonprofit that still offers classes based on his work.

His teaching drew on Christian and Eastern mysticism, Gurdjieff's Fourth Way, Jungian psychology, Krishnamurti and American Transcendentalism. His central theme was that people suffer because they live through a “false self”, a bundle of self-images and fears, and that freedom comes from seeing through it with honest awareness. Every one of the twenty secrets applies that idea to how we relate to other people.

Start with self-knowledge (secrets 1, 8, 15, 17)

1. Self-insight is the real advantage

Howard suggests that in any meeting between two people, the one who understands themselves better will be the calmer and more relaxed of the two. Self-awareness is not a trick to win; it simply removes the need to perform.

8. You understand others only as far as you understand yourself

If you have never noticed your own jealousy or fear, you will misread it in others. Getting to know your own reactions is the most reliable way to become a better judge of people.

15. We recognise in others what we have in ourselves

Howard argues that patience and kindness in another person are easiest to see when you have practised them yourself. Psychologists describe something similar as projection: we tend to read our own traits into other people.

17. Choose the side of you that wants to love

Everyone has mixed motives. Part of us wants closeness and part of us wants to protect, defend or withdraw. The practical step is to notice both and deliberately feed the generous side.

Keep your inner balance (secrets 2, 6, 7, 14, 18)

2. Do not hand others control of your mood

Other people's moods and behaviour are information, not orders. You can register rudeness without letting it set the tone of your whole day.

6. Fewer demands, less hurt

Much disappointment comes from expectations we never said aloud: that a friend will always call back, or that a partner will guess what we need. Lowering hidden demands does not mean caring less; it means caring more cleanly.

7. Do not rush to defend yourself against unfair talk

Howard sees angry self-defence as a step away from maturity, mostly because it destroys your own calm. In practice, correcting a serious falsehood calmly is fine; what costs you is the need to win every exchange.

14. Freedom from feeling wronged

He describes a state in which you are so free from grievance that other people's complaints about injustice surprise you. Take this as an ideal rather than a rule: real injustice should still be named and addressed, but a mind that is not constantly keeping score is lighter to live with.

18. Stop living timidly

Fear of what others think, and of what we will think of ourselves, keeps people small. Acting from your values, even when it might look odd, is what makes you trustworthy to others.

See people as they really are (secrets 3, 4, 5, 13)

3. Look beneath words and actions

Howard urges readers to look for the motive behind what people say and do. This needs care. Guessing at hidden motives can easily become mind-reading, and you may get it wrong. A safer version: notice patterns over time and, when something matters, ask a clear question rather than assume. A good conversation gives the other person room to explain while you describe your own experience without presenting it as certainty about theirs.

4. A friendship that requires you to shrink is not a real one

If keeping a relationship means giving up your dignity or your basic nature, something is wrong. Healthy closeness allows both people to remain themselves. This fits closely with what counsellors describe as healthy boundaries.

5. We are more connected than we think

In mystical terms, Howard says there is no real separation between you and another person, so harming someone harms yourself and helping them helps you. You do not need to share the mystical view to see the practical truth: kindness and cruelty both shape the person who practises them.

13. Difficult people are teachers

Every unpleasant encounter is a chance to see people as they are rather than as we idealise them. The more trying someone is, the more they can show you about your own triggers and illusions. This does not mean staying in a harmful relationship; it means learning from contact you cannot avoid.

Love without grasping (secrets 10, 16, 19, 20)

10. Real love is not anxious about being noticed

Someone who truly understands love, Howard writes, does not panic when their affection is unseen or even turned down. Love that depends on being returned is closer to a transaction.

16. Desire is not love

Howard draws a sharp line between the two:

“Desire leaves home in a frantic search for one gratification after another. Love is at home with itself.” — Vernon Howard

Attraction and wanting are natural, but they are restless. Love is the steadier thing that remains when the excitement settles.

19. Be real rather than trying to look loving

Performing kindness is tiring and people sense it. Howard's advice is to aim at being genuine; in his view, authenticity and love turn out to be the same thing.

20. Your example is your greatest gift

The deepest thing you can offer others, he says, is your own inner change. People are drawn to someone who is calm, honest and kind far more than to someone who lectures them about it.

Facing loss and loneliness (secrets 9, 11, 12)

9. Let yourself feel the hard parts

Howard encourages people to experience the pain and disappointment in relationships fully rather than numbing or escaping it, because clarity comes from going through it. Modern therapy often says something similar: avoiding emotions tends to prolong them.

11. Do not rush to replace a lost friend

After a painful break, the urge is to fill the gap at once. Waiting a little gives you time to understand what happened and what you need, so you do not repeat the same pattern.

12. It is fine to be a nobody

Social status and popularity matter less than they seem. People who are comfortable being unremarkable in public are often freer and more present in private.

Putting the twenty secrets to work

Lists like this are most useful when you pick one idea and practise it for a week rather than trying to absorb all twenty. A few suggestions:

Choose secret 2 and notice each time someone else's mood changes yours. Simply noticing weakens the pull.
Use secret 3 carefully: replace one assumption about a friend's motive with a direct, friendly question.
Try secret 11 after a disappointment: write down what the relationship taught you before you seek the next one.

Some of Howard's lines are ideals, and a few could be misread as a reason to tolerate mistreatment or bottle up feelings. They work best alongside common sense: self-knowledge, steady boundaries and honest conversation. If a relationship involves abuse, or you feel persistently low or anxious, talk to a doctor or a qualified counsellor.

Sources: Vernon Howard, “Twenty Special Secrets,” in The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power; list as shared by The Unbounded Spirit and The Mind Unleashed; Wikipedia: Vernon Howard; photo by Per Ola Wiberg.

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