16 Unwritten Rules of Politeness and Why They Matter

Originally published 2017-11-20.

Most good manners are never written down. Nobody hands you a rulebook that says to top up the fuel in a borrowed car or to stop scrolling when a friend passes you their phone, yet people notice when you do these things and remember when you don't. Below are sixteen of these quiet rules of politeness, grouped by situation, with a short note on why each one matters and when it may need adjusting.

The short version: almost every rule here comes down to two habits. Pay back what you receive, whether that is a favour, a meal or a loan. And notice how your presence affects the people around you, whether they are asleep in the next room or walking behind you on a crowded street.

Why unwritten rules of politeness exist

Etiquette is the set of shared expectations a group uses to make everyday life run more smoothly. The English word comes from the French étiquette, meaning a label or ticket, and it has been in English use since around 1750. Courtesy manuals are far older: Baldassare Castiglione's The Book of the Courtier appeared in 1528, Erasmus wrote a guide to civility for children in 1530, and Emily Post's Etiquette became an American bestseller after 1922.

Those books covered formal occasions such as weddings and dinners. The rules below are humbler. They are the small, practical courtesies that keep friendships, households and shared spaces pleasant. Social psychologists describe much of this behaviour as the norm of reciprocity: people tend to answer kindness with kindness, and a small favour that goes unacknowledged can slowly erode trust.

Courtesies around borrowing, money and favours

1. Return a borrowed car with more fuel than you found

If a friend lends you their car, give it back with a full tank, or at least with more in it than when you picked it up. Fuel costs money, and your friend should not have to stop at a gas station on the way to work because of your trip. It is also a simple, tangible way to say thanks.

2. Thank friends who help with chores by feeding them

When people give up a Saturday to help you move house or paint a room, cook them a meal or buy them dinner. Their time has value, and a shared meal turns hard work into a pleasant memory rather than a debt.

3. Repay borrowed money quickly, without being reminded

Pay back a loan from a friend as soon as you can, even a small one. Never assume they can easily spare it, and do not make them ask. Having to chase a friend for money is awkward, and many people would rather lose the sum than raise it, which quietly damages the friendship.

4. Leave the last portion for the person who paid or cooked

The final slice of pizza or the last spoonful from the pot belongs, by default, to whoever bought or prepared the food. Offer it to them first. If they decline, it is fair game.

5. Offer to wash up when someone cooks for you

A host who has spent an hour at the stove should not also face a sink full of dishes alone. Offer to clear the table or wash up. Some hosts will refuse, and that is their call, but the offer itself matters.

Respecting privacy and feelings

6. Look only at the photo you were shown

When someone hands you their phone to show a picture, resist swiping to the next one. Phones hold private messages, personal photos and things the owner may not want anyone to see. Looking only at what you were offered shows that you can be trusted with their device.

7. End relationships in person when it is safe to do so

Ending a romantic relationship by text, email or a social-media message tends to feel dismissive to the person receiving it. A conversation, face to face or at least by phone, gives them the chance to respond and shows respect for the time you spent together. The important exception: if meeting would be unsafe, or the relationship has been controlling or abusive, a written message from a distance is entirely reasonable.

8. Don't make plans in front of people who aren't invited

Arranging a party or a night out while someone who is not on the guest list sits beside you can leave them feeling excluded. Not every gathering has to include everyone, but the details can wait for a private message.

9. Reply to a missed call

If you miss a call and cannot ring back soon, send a short message saying you saw it. The caller may be waiting on something important, and a quick note saves them from wondering whether you are ignoring them.

Shared spaces: homes, restrooms and streets

10. Keep the noise down while others sleep

Being quiet around sleeping people means more than lowering your voice. It also means easing doors shut, keeping music and screens on low or on headphones, and saving the vacuum cleaner for later. Interrupted sleep affects mood and concentration the next day, so this is a genuine kindness to housemates and family.

11. Make the bed when you stay over

After a night at a friend's or relative's home, straighten the bed before leaving, even if they plan to wash the sheets. It shows you treated their home with care. Some hosts prefer you to strip the bed instead so they can put the linen straight in the wash, so it is worth asking.

12. Leave a gap at the urinals when you can

In a men's restroom, many men choose a urinal with an empty one between themselves and the next person if space allows. It is a small nod to privacy in a place that offers very little of it. Anthropologist Edward T. Hall, who coined the term proxemics in 1963, described how people keep invisible zones of personal space around them, and restrooms are one place where those zones are hard to maintain.

13. Don't stop dead on a busy sidewalk or at an entrance

Halting in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, or at the top of escalators and the doors of a station, forces everyone behind you to swerve or collide. If you need to check your phone or get your bearings, step to the side first.

14. Take heated arguments somewhere private

Disagreements happen, but shouting matches in restaurants, shops or on public transport make everyone nearby uncomfortable. If voices are rising or language is getting harsh, pause the conversation and continue it later or somewhere private.

Table manners and the road

15. Chew with your mouth closed

Possibly the oldest rule here. Eating noisily or showing a mouthful of food is unpleasant for people sharing the table, and it is one of the first table manners children are taught in many cultures.

16. Thank drivers who let you in

When another driver gives way to you, a brief wave of thanks acknowledges the favour and keeps the road a little more civil. Only do it if it is safe: both hands on the wheel and eyes on the road matter more than any gesture, and in some places a short flash of hazard lights is the usual signal instead.

Context matters more than the rule itself

Manners vary from place to place. Studies of personal space have found that people in different countries prefer quite different conversational distances: Americans tend to want around four feet of space, while many Europeans are comfortable at two or three. A rule about where to stand or how to thank someone can therefore look polite in one country and odd in another.

The same goes for households. One host will be offended if you wash the dishes, another will be offended if you don't. One friend loves being thanked with a home-cooked meal, another would rather have a bottle of wine and an early night. When in doubt, ask. A simple "Would you like me to strip the bed or make it?" is more considerate than guessing.

A few common myths are worth setting aside too. Good manners are not about appearing posh, using the correct fork or following rules for their own sake. They are also not a reason to tolerate unsafe or unfair treatment. At their best they are a set of habits that make other people's lives slightly easier, and that tend to be returned in kind.

Putting it into practice

• Return favours promptly: fuel, money, meals and help with chores.
• Protect privacy: other people's phones, plans and feelings.
• Share space considerately: stay quiet near sleepers, step aside in crowds, keep arguments private.
• Ask when unsure: local customs and personal preferences beat any general list.

None of these habits costs much. Most take a few seconds or a little money. Over time, though, they shape how friends, flatmates and strangers feel about being around you, which is exactly what manners are for.

Sources: Wikipedia: Etiquette; Wikipedia: Reciprocity (social psychology); Wikipedia: Personal space.