Thanking the People Who Love You at Your Worst

Originally published 2016-11-16.

Some people see us at our lowest and stay anyway. They catch us when we stumble, listen when our feelings overflow, and remind us we are still worth loving on the days we doubt it. Saying a clear, specific thank-you to those people is one of the simplest ways to strengthen the bond, and research suggests it is good for both sides.

This article grew out of a short letter by writer Ari Eastman, published on Thought Catalog in October 2016, in which she thanks the friends and loved ones who stuck with her at her "most unlovable." Below is a summary of what she says, why that kind of gratitude matters, what psychology has learned about expressing thanks, and how to write a note of your own.

What the letter says

Eastman's piece is built as a series of thank-yous, each aimed at a different kind of support. She thanks the people who physically and emotionally steady her when she is falling, those who accept how intensely she feels, those who encourage her to speak even when her voice shakes, and those who have seen the parts of her she normally hides and chose to stay.

The repetition gives the letter its rhythm, but it also does something practical. Instead of a vague "thanks for everything," each section names a specific gift. By the end she credits these people with teaching her about friendship and guidance, and with helping her start to believe there is good in her, too.

Four kinds of support worth naming

Read closely, the letter describes four forms of care that many of us receive without ever putting them into words.

Steadiness

The friend who answers the 2 a.m. call, drives you to the appointment or simply sits with you. This is practical support: being a fixed point when everything else feels unstable.

Acceptance of big feelings

Sensitive people often hear that they should toughen up. The people Eastman thanks do the opposite: they let her love openly and feel deeply without trying to fold her emotions into a neat shape.

Encouragement to speak

Some days we need to stay quiet; other days we need to say something hard. Good friends respect both and remind us our view counts.

Loyalty after seeing the whole person

The deepest thanks goes to those who know the cracks behind the confident front and decide that nothing important has changed. Being fully known and still welcomed is one of the strongest forms of security a person can feel.

Why saying thank you actually matters

Psychologists have studied gratitude for more than two decades, and several findings line up with the spirit of the letter.

• A gratitude letter has a measurable lift. In a well-known study led by Martin Seligman, participants who wrote and personally delivered a thank-you letter to someone who had helped them showed the largest short-term jump in happiness of any exercise tested, with lower depression scores that lasted about a month.
• Thanking a specific person tends to help most. Research by Philip Watkins and colleagues found that gratitude exercises boosted positive mood most when people focused on an individual they were grateful to, rather than on life in general.
• Relationships benefit. Studies of couples suggest that when one partner expresses appreciation, the other tends to feel more satisfied with the relationship. Gratitude also seems to draw people toward the person who helped them, whereas feeling indebted can make people avoid that person.

Much of this research is correlational, and effects vary from person to person, so gratitude is not a cure-all. But the evidence fits a common experience: being thanked by name for something concrete feels very different from a generic "you're the best."

Feeling unlovable is a feeling, not a fact

The word "unlovable" in Eastman's title is honest about how low moments feel. Many people go through stretches when they are irritable, withdrawn or convinced they are a burden. Those stretches can come from grief, stress, burnout or depression, and they are far more common than they appear from the outside.

The people who stay through such times do not prove that the difficult person is secretly perfect. They show that worth is not cancelled by a bad season. If you recognise yourself in the letter and the heaviness lasts more than a couple of weeks, or starts to affect sleep, work or your sense of safety, it is worth talking to a doctor or a mental health professional. Leaning on friends is valuable; it works best alongside proper support, not instead of it.

How to write a thank-you of your own

You do not need to be a professional writer to send a note like Eastman's. A few pointers help it land:

1. Pick one person. Focus beats a group message.
2. Name a moment. "When you came over after my interview went badly" is stronger than "for always being there."
3. Say what it changed. Did it help you sleep, try again, or feel less alone? Spell it out.
4. Keep it short. A few honest sentences are enough. Length is not the point.
5. Deliver it if you can. Reading it aloud or handing it over in person tends to have the strongest effect, though a text is far better than nothing.
6. Expect nothing in return. The note is a gift, not a request for reassurance.

Being the friend who stays

The letter is also a quiet portrait of the kind of friend many of us hope to be. Staying with someone through hard times rarely means grand gestures. It looks like checking in again after they cancel plans, listening without rushing to fix things, and reminding them who they are when they have forgotten.

It also means looking after yourself. Supporting a loved one does not require unlimited energy or giving up your own boundaries. Being honest about what you can offer, and encouraging professional help when the load is too heavy, is part of caring well.

Gratitude and loyalty feed each other. People who feel seen and thanked are more likely to keep showing up, and people who are shown up for find it easier to see the good in themselves, which is exactly where Eastman's letter ends. If someone came to mind while you read this, today is a good day to tell them.

Sources: Ari Eastman, "To All The People Who Still Love Me At My Most Unlovable, Thank You", Thought Catalog (October 2016); Wikipedia: Gratitude (research on gratitude letters, visits and relationships).