Originally published 2017-11-20.
These twenty life lessons are often shared online as the wisdom of an unnamed old man, sometimes said to be 90. They actually come, with changes, from a list written by Regina Brett, a columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland, Ohio. Her lessons column, best known in its 2006 version, was forwarded so widely by email that it became one of the best-known pieces of inspirational writing of the early internet.
Below you will find each lesson explained in plain terms, with notes where the popular version differs from what Brett actually wrote, followed by some thoughts on using a list like this without turning it into a set of rigid rules.
Who wrote the original list?
Brett first wrote down 45 lessons to mark her 45th birthday, distilling what life had taught her. When she turned 50 she published an updated column, “Regina Brett’s 45 Life Lessons and 5 to Grow On”, dated 28 May 2006. She has written about raising a child as a single mother and about her treatment for breast cancer, diagnosed in 1998, experiences that shape several of the lessons.
As the column travelled through inboxes, it lost her name and gained a new narrator, an elderly sage, which made it feel more authoritative. Fact-checkers such as Snopes traced the text back to Brett, and she went on to expand the lessons into books, including God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours and Be the Miracle: 50 Lessons for Making the Impossible Possible.
The 20 lessons, explained
When you are unsure, take the next small step
Big decisions feel paralysing because we try to see the whole path at once. Choosing one small, concrete action, such as one phone call or one page written, breaks the freeze and gives you new information for the next choice. Brett put this lesson near the very top of her list.
Your happiness is your own responsibility
Other people can add a great deal to our lives, but expecting a partner, a boss or a friend to keep us happy puts a heavy load on them and leaves us powerless. The healthier version of this lesson is not “do it all alone” but “look after your own needs and ask for help when you need it”.
Life is too short to spend it unhappy
This one is softened in the circulating version. Brett’s own line was about not wasting time hating anyone, which is a sharper and more useful point: grudges eat time and energy that could go into people and things you care about.
Buy less, and only what you need
Clutter costs money, space and attention. Brett’s original phrasing asked readers to get rid of anything that is not useful, beautiful or joyful, an idea that echoes the Victorian designer William Morris. A simple test before buying: will this still matter to me in a month?
Make peace with your past
Old regrets have a way of leaking into present relationships. Making peace does not mean pretending something did not happen; it means understanding it well enough that it stops steering today’s choices. For painful history, a counsellor or therapist can help.
You do not need to win every argument
Some disagreements are worth resolving and many are not. Brett’s advice was to agree to disagree. Letting a minor point go often protects the relationship, and it is not the same as abandoning your values.
Cry with someone
Grief and stress are easier to carry when they are shared. Leaning on a trusted friend, relative or support group is a sign of good sense, not weakness, and it gives the other person the chance to show they care.
Save your energy for what matters
Time and attention are limited. Spending them on the people and projects you value most, and politely declining the rest, is one of the most practical forms of self-respect.
Do not give up easily on what you love
Persistence matters when you are chasing a goal, a skill or a calling. The lesson has a clear limit, though: it applies to your own efforts, never to overriding another person’s “no”.
Go outside every day
A daily walk, even a short one, brings daylight, movement and a change of scene. Brett framed this as a chance to notice small miracles; research on time spent in green spaces broadly supports the idea that it lifts mood.
Everything can change in an instant
Accidents, diagnoses and good surprises arrive without warning. Brett, who survived breast cancer, closed this lesson with a reassurance about faith that gave her later book its title, God Never Blinks. Read either way, it is a reminder to say the important things now.
Let your children see you cry
Children learn how to handle feelings by watching adults. Seeing a parent sad and then recovering teaches them that emotions are survivable and normal, as long as they are not burdened with adult problems they cannot fix.
Use the good things now
Brett told readers to burn the candles, use the nice sheets and wear the fancy lingerie instead of saving them for an occasion that may never come. The point is that ordinary days deserve some pleasure too.
Be a little eccentric now
The circulating list says leopard print; Brett wrote purple, a nod to Jenny Joseph’s 1961 poem “Warning”, which begins with a woman promising to wear purple when she is old. Either way: why wait?
Always choose life
Brett meant it broadly, as choosing engagement, growth and hope over withdrawal. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of not wanting to live, contact a doctor or a local crisis line straight away.
Take a slow, deep breath
Slowing your breathing is a simple way to settle in a tense moment, and many people find it helps. If stress or anxiety is persistent or overwhelming, talk to a doctor.
Forgive, but keep the lesson
The circulating version says to forgive but not forget. Brett went further, urging readers to forgive everyone everything. Many people land in between: release the resentment, while still keeping sensible boundaries with someone who has hurt you.
Getting older is a privilege
Wrinkles and grey hair are easier to accept when you remember the alternative. This lesson is one of the few that appears almost word for word in both Brett’s list and the version that went round by email.
It is never too late to be happy
Brett’s original line was about it never being too late to have a happy childhood, with the second one up to you. The idea is that you can give yourself now some of the play, care and curiosity you may have missed earlier.
The mind matters most in intimacy
Brett’s cheeky closing line made the point that attraction and closeness depend on imagination, trust and communication more than on bodies. It is one of the most quoted items on the list.
How the list changed as it travelled
Comparing the two versions shows how folk wisdom evolves. Religious references in Brett’s original were mostly dropped. Specific images became vaguer: purple became leopard, and a line about hating people became a general call to enjoy life. Some new advice, such as staying true to yourself, was added. None of these changes is harmful, but they are a good reminder to look for the original source of anything that circulates without an author.
Turning one lesson into a habit
Reading twenty pieces of advice at once is pleasant; acting on twenty at once is impossible. A more useful approach is to pick the one lesson that stings a little, because that is usually the one you need, and attach it to a small, specific action this week. Use the good plates on a Tuesday. Walk for ten minutes after lunch. Send the message to the friend you have been meaning to call.
It also helps to remember that sayings have limits. “Do not take no for an answer” is good advice for job applications and bad advice in relationships. “Happiness is up to you” can become a burden for someone dealing with depression, grief or poverty, where outside support matters a great deal. Treat the list as a prompt for reflection, not a test you pass or fail.
When things are hard
Several of these lessons touch on grief, regret and stress. A list can offer comfort, but it cannot replace real help. If low mood, anxiety or painful memories are affecting your daily life, talk to a doctor or a qualified counsellor, and lean on the people around you. That, after all, is one of the lessons too.
Sources: Snopes: Regina Brett’s 45 life lessons; KCUR: Regina Brett, Don’t audit life and other lessons; Wikipedia: Regina Brett.
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