Originally published 2017-11-20.
The father-to-son marriage advice that circulates online boils down to a handful of plain ideas: once you marry, stop living as if you were single; never raise a hand to your wife; share the housework; keep your partner close when money comes in; expect both of you to change; never compare her with other women; solve problems as a couple; look after your ageing parents; and keep faith in the family's future. The author is unknown, and the text has been shared in many versions, but the advice has lasted because most of it holds up well.
Below, each point is put in modern, plain terms, with a note on what it gets right, where it needs a caveat, and what research on couples suggests.
Why a parent's advice still lands
Most of us learn what marriage looks like by watching the one we grew up around. When a father sits his son down on the eve of a new life, he is passing on what he wishes he had known, and sometimes what he got wrong. The tone of this list is warm and direct. It treats marriage as daily work rather than a fairy tale, and it speaks to a son as an equal partner in a home, not its ruler.
The advice is written for a husband and wife, but nearly all of it applies to any committed couple. Read it as a set of prompts for a conversation, not a rulebook.
The ten pieces of advice, in plain words
1. Marriage means building a shared life
The father warns that a husband who keeps living like a bachelor, coming and going as he pleases and planning only for himself, may soon find himself single again. Marriage asks you to think as a "we": shared plans, shared time, shared decisions.
2. Violence is never acceptable
The second point forbids hitting your wife outright. The original phrasing suggests emotional wounds hurt more than physical ones. Both matter, and neither should be ranked as minor. Physical violence in a relationship is abuse, full stop. If you or someone you know is being hurt, contact local emergency services or a domestic violence helpline.
3. The home belongs to both of you
The father rejects the idea that a wife's place is in the kitchen. Cooking, cleaning, shopping and caring for children are jobs for two adults who share a home.
4. Success is something you earned together
If your income rises, he says, do not let it go to your head. Enjoy it with the person who supported you when there was less.
5. Keep courting
In a sweet personal note, the father admits that when he tossed pebbles at the son's mother's window or whistled for her to come out, it was simply because he missed her. The lesson is to keep showing that you want your partner's company long after the wedding.
6. You will both change
Your wife will not be the same person in twenty years, and neither will you. A good marriage makes room for growth instead of holding each other to who you were at the start.
7. Do not compare
Measuring your partner against other women is unfair and corrosive. The father turns it around: she puts up with your flaws, too, so imagine how you would feel being measured against other men.
8. Solve problems as a couple first
The parents say they do not want to be pulled into every disagreement. Work things out between the two of you before running home.
9. Do not forget your parents
Caring for ageing parents, he says, is part of how families pass care down the generations. Children learn by watching how you treat your own mother and father.
10. Hold on to faith and hope
Finally, he encourages his son to pray for his family every day, because no one knows what tomorrow brings. For non-religious readers, the core idea still works: keep your family at the centre of your hopes and your daily attention.
What research says about sharing the load
The point about housework is the one with the most support from surveys. In a Pew Research Center report from 2016, 56% of married American adults said sharing household chores is very important for a successful marriage. That put chores close behind shared interests (64%) and a satisfying sexual relationship (61%), and ahead of having children (43%) or an adequate income (42%).
In practice, sharing does not always mean splitting every task fifty-fifty. Couples tend to do better when the split feels fair to both people and is talked about openly, rather than assumed. Making a simple list of weekly jobs, including the invisible ones such as planning meals or remembering appointments, is a practical place to start.
Where the advice needs a caveat
Point 8 is wise in spirit: couples who run to their parents over every argument can drag others into fights that belong to them. But there is a difference between handling ordinary disagreements privately and staying silent when something is seriously wrong. Nobody should feel unable to ask for help in a relationship that involves fear, control or abuse. Trusted family, friends, counsellors and helplines are there for exactly that.
Point 9 reflects a strong tradition in many cultures, and caring for ageing parents is a real responsibility. It works best when spouses decide together how that care will look, so that one partner is not quietly left carrying most of it.
Point 7 mentions endurance, and the list as a whole leans on putting up with each other. Patience matters in any long marriage. Still, endurance is not the same as health. A good relationship is one where both people feel respected and safe, not just one where both people last.
Turning the list into practice
- Have a weekly check-in. Ten minutes to talk about the coming week, money and chores prevents many small resentments.
- Talk about money early. Agree on how you will handle income, savings and big purchases before a raise or a crisis forces the question.
- Keep small rituals. A walk, a regular meal together or a message during the day is the modern version of pebbles at the window.
- Disagree about the issue, not the person. Avoid comparisons, name-calling and old grievances.
- Plan for family care. Discuss how you will support parents on both sides, and revisit the plan as needs change.
Why it resonates
None of these ideas is new, and that is part of their appeal. They come across as hard-won lessons from a parent who loves his son and respects the woman his son married. Strip away the specific phrasing and what remains is simple: treat your partner as an equal, never hurt them, keep choosing each other and share the work of a home.
Sources: Pew Research Center (2016): Sharing chores a key to good marriage, say majority of married adults. The father-to-son advice is a widely shared text of unknown authorship.
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