What the Way You Describe Others Reveals About You

Originally published 2017-08-05.

How someone describes other people can tell you something about them. A 2010 study led by psychologist Dustin Wood found that people who tend to rate others positively, as kind, capable or trustworthy, are on average happier, more emotionally stable and better liked themselves. People who tend to see others negatively are more likely to score higher on narcissism and antisocial traits, and to report depression. In conversation, asking a new acquaintance about people they know can open a window onto what they notice and value.

That is a useful insight, as long as it is used with care. One answer is not a personality test, and some people have good reasons to speak badly of someone. Here is what the research found, why it works, and how to use the idea kindly.

The study behind the idea

The research was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in July 2010. Wood, then an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University, worked with Peter Harms of the University of Nebraska and Simine Vazire of Washington University in St. Louis. Their paper carried a pointed title: "Perceiver effects as projective tests: What your perceptions of others say about you."

The team gathered ratings from several groups who knew one another: friends, first-year college students living in the same dormitories, and members of fraternities and sororities. Each participant rated positive and negative characteristics of three people they knew. Because many people rated the same targets, the researchers could separate two things: what a rating said about the person being described, and what it said about the person doing the describing. That second part is called a perceiver effect.

What it found

People who saw others in a generally positive light tended to describe themselves as happier, kinder, more emotionally stable and more capable. Importantly, their peers described them the same way, so this was not just a flattering self-image. Positive raters also reported more satisfaction with life and were better liked by others.

Seeing others negatively pointed in the opposite direction. It went with higher narcissism, more antisocial behaviour and a greater likelihood of depression and some personality disorders. Wood put the main point in a sentence: "Your perceptions of others reveal so much about your own personality." On the negative side he was blunter: "A huge suite of negative personality traits are associated with viewing others negatively."

The tendency was also fairly stable. When the researchers checked again a year later, people who rated others positively at the start still did so.

Why the way we see others reflects us

There are several reasons why a description of someone else carries information about the speaker.

• Mood and outlook colour perception. A person who feels secure and content is more likely to read ambiguous behaviour generously. Someone who feels threatened or low may read the same behaviour as hostile.
• Values shape what we notice. People who care about fairness tend to mention whether others are fair; people who prize success notice ambition. What someone chooses to comment on is a clue to their priorities.
• General positivity is a trait. Some people simply rate almost everything a little higher. Later research suggests that part of a perceiver effect reflects this overall tendency to agree and approve, not only a deep insight into character.

The popular version of this story often says that people only describe traits they recognise in themselves. That goes further than the evidence. The study showed that the way people rate others is linked to their own personality on average. It did not show that every trait we see in others is a hidden self-portrait.

The listener's side: how descriptions stick to the speaker

There is a second, older line of research that makes the same point from the listener's side. In the 1990s, social psychologist John Skowronski and colleagues described an effect they called spontaneous trait transference. When people hear someone describe another person as, say, dishonest, they tend to associate that trait with the speaker, even when they know the speaker was talking about someone else.

The practical lesson is simple. How you talk about colleagues, exes and friends shapes how others see you. Speaking fairly about people, even when you disagree with them, is not only kind; it also leaves a better impression.

How to use this in conversation

Meeting new people is hard partly because everyone is presenting their best side. A question about someone else can make the conversation more natural and more revealing than a question about themselves. Some ways to ask:

• "Who is someone at work you really enjoy working with? What makes them good?"
• "Who was your favourite teacher, and why?"
• "What do you admire in your closest friend?"

Then listen. Does the person warm up when talking about others? Do they notice effort, humour, honesty or status? Can they say something generous about someone they disagree with? A follow-up such as "Can you give me an example?" turns a vague answer into a story, which tells you far more.

Listen, but do not label

A few cautions keep this idea useful rather than unfair:

• Context matters. Someone who speaks badly of a former employer or partner may be describing real mistreatment. Negativity about a specific person is not the same as a habit of seeing everyone negatively.
• One answer is a data point, not a verdict. The study looked at patterns across many ratings. A single comment on a bad day says little.
• Culture and shyness affect how people talk. Some people are modest or reserved about praising others out loud, which is not the same as thinking poorly of them.
• Depression deserves care, not judgement. If someone close to you seems to see everyone and everything darkly for a long time, gentle concern and encouragement to talk to a doctor will help more than a label.

Used this way, asking about others is less a hidden test and more an invitation. It lets people show what they appreciate, and it gives you a reason to share what you appreciate too.

Sources: Wood, D., Harms, P. and Vazire, S. (2010), Perceiver effects as projective tests: What your perceptions of others say about you, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; ScienceDaily, Wake Forest University news release on the study (August 2010).