Originally published 2017-08-07.
The way to build a child's self-esteem without encouraging narcissism comes down to one distinction: help children feel worthy, not superior. Research led by the Dutch psychologist Eddie Brummelman suggests that steady warmth and affection from parents is linked to healthy self-esteem, while telling children they are more special than other kids is linked to rising narcissism. The two can look alike from the outside, but they grow from different roots and lead to very different adult lives.
This guide explains what the research found, why self-esteem and narcissism are not simply "more" or "less" of the same thing, and how parents and teachers can put the findings into everyday words and habits.
Self-esteem and narcissism are not the same thing
It is tempting to picture narcissism as self-esteem turned up too high. Brummelman and his colleagues Sander Thomaes and Constantine Sedikides argue that this is wrong. In a 2016 review in Current Directions in Psychological Science, they describe the two traits as having different foundations.
- A child with healthy self-esteem feels "I am fine as I am." They are satisfied with who they are, but they do not need to be above anyone else to feel that way.
- A child with narcissistic traits feels "I am better than others." Their sense of worth depends on ranking, winning and being admired, which makes it fragile.
A helpful way to picture the difference is to think about how each child sees the people around them. For a narcissistic child, the social world is a ladder: everyone is either higher or lower, and relationships are tools for climbing. For a child with secure self-esteem, the social world is more like a circle of equals, where friendships matter for their own sake. Both children care what others think of them, but one wants to get along while the other wants to get ahead.
Narcissism in children is not a diagnosis, and most children who show some self-centred behaviour grow out of it. Psychologists treat it as a trait that varies from person to person, with a clinical personality disorder only at the far end. The concern raised by this research is about everyday parenting nudging children a little further along that scale.
What the study of 565 children found
The key evidence comes from a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in March 2015. Brummelman, then at the University of Amsterdam, worked with Brad Bushman of Ohio State University and colleagues in the Netherlands and the UK.
They followed 565 Dutch children aged 7 to 11, along with their parents, completing surveys four times at roughly six-month intervals over about a year and a half. Parents rated how much they "overvalued" their child, for example by agreeing with statements that their child was a shining example for other children. Both parents and children reported how much warmth and affection the parents showed. The children were then measured for narcissism and self-esteem.
The results were strikingly tidy:
- Parental overvaluation predicted higher narcissism over time, but not higher self-esteem.
- Parental warmth predicted higher self-esteem, but not narcissism.
- The link between overvaluation and narcissism held even after the researchers accounted for the parents' own narcissism, so it was not simply narcissistic parents passing on their traits.
As Bushman put it when the study was released, "Children believe it when their parents tell them that they are more special than others."
The authors were careful to say that parenting is only part of the picture. Genes and a child's temperament play a role too, and some children may be more sensitive to overvaluation than others.
Why age seven matters
The children in the study were not chosen at random ages. Around seven or eight, children begin to form a general picture of themselves, a "global" sense of who they are, and they become much better at comparing themselves with others and at guessing what others think of them. That makes this period a natural point for both self-esteem and narcissistic traits to start to show.
Psychologists have long argued about how fixed personality is. Some emphasise inherited traits that change little over life; others stress how experiences keep reshaping us. A middle view, which fits this research, is that personality is more flexible in childhood and gradually settles through adolescence and early adulthood. If that is right, the messages children hear between roughly seven and their early teens are especially worth getting right.
How to praise without building a sense of superiority
None of this means parents should stop praising. It means paying attention to what the praise says about the child in relation to others. Some practical swaps:
- Praise the effort or the act, not the child's rank. "You kept going on that puzzle even when it was hard" builds worth. "You're the smartest kid in your class" builds comparison.
- Drop the comparisons. Avoid holding other children up as examples of being less capable, less talented or less successful. A child does not need someone below them in order to feel good.
- Talk about what children share with others. Brummelman's group suggests encouraging children to notice ways they are similar to and equal with their classmates, rather than ways they stand out above them.
- Keep praise realistic. Over-the-top praise can backfire. In a separate 2014 experiment, the same research group reported that children with low self-esteem who received inflated praise ("incredibly beautiful!") were afterwards less willing to take on challenging tasks, perhaps because they feared not living up to it.
- Make love unconditional and visible. Hugs, attention, time together and interest in a child's day are the "warmth" the study linked to self-esteem. They do not depend on performance.
Helping children who already doubt themselves
Some children have the opposite problem: they brush off compliments and hold on to every criticism. The researchers suggest that adults can help these children learn to interpret feedback more accurately.
- When a child dismisses praise ("you're just saying that"), calmly point to the specific thing they did that earned it.
- When they are criticised, help them separate the comment about an action ("this paragraph needs more detail") from a verdict about themselves ("I'm bad at writing").
- Model this yourself. Children notice how parents talk about their own mistakes.
If a child's low mood, withdrawal or harsh self-talk seems persistent, or is affecting school, sleep or friendships, talk to a doctor or a qualified child psychologist. These are general ideas, not a substitute for professional advice.
Common myths about children's self-esteem
Myth: more self-esteem always means better outcomes. Self-esteem became a parenting and teaching buzzword from the 1970s onward, and many schools tried to boost it directly. Later reviews of the evidence found that high self-esteem is linked to feeling happier, but it does not by itself reliably cause better grades or better behaviour. Feeling good about yourself is valuable, but it is not a cure-all.
Myth: criticism damages self-esteem, so avoid it. Honest, kind feedback is part of how children learn. What matters is that criticism targets the task, comes with support, and never questions whether the child is loved.
Myth: telling children they are special protects them. This study suggests the reverse: treating a child as more special than others may encourage entitlement rather than security.
Myth: narcissism is all in the genes. Genes do contribute, but the research points to everyday interactions with parents, teachers and other important adults as a meaningful influence too.
The takeaway for parents and teachers
The goal is a child who knows they are loved and capable, and who sees other people as equals worth caring about. Warmth, specific and honest praise, and freedom from constant ranking are simple tools, but used consistently they point a child toward secure self-esteem rather than a fragile need to be the best.
This topic was popularised for general readers by the psychologist David Ludden, author of The Psychology of Language: An Integrated Approach (SAGE Publications), who wrote about the Brummelman research for a general audience.
Sources: Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., & Sedikides, C. (2016). Separating narcissism from self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25, 8–13; Brummelman, E. et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. PNAS; Ohio State News: How parents may help create their own little narcissists; Wikipedia: Narcissism; original summary by David Ludden (Psychology Today).
COMMENTS