12 Signs You're Doing Better Than You Think

Originally published 2016-03-04.

If you feel behind, the odds are good that you are judging yourself by the wrong scoreboard. Most real progress is quiet: you notice problems you used to ignore, you recover faster after setbacks, and you are less willing to settle. Those changes rarely look impressive from the inside, so they are easy to miss.

Below are twelve signs that you may be doing better than you think, grouped by theme, with a note on what psychology actually says about each. Some of them feel like failures while you are living through them. That is part of the point.

Why it is so easy to underrate yourself

Two habits make us harsh judges of our own lives. The first is comparison: we measure our messy middle against other people's highlights, and against vague ideas of where we "should" be at a given age. The second is that change happens slowly enough that we do not see it day to day.

Research backs up the second point. In a 2013 study in Science, psychologists Jordi Quoidbach, Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson surveyed more than 19,000 adults and found that people of every age admitted they had changed a lot over the past ten years, yet expected to change very little in the next ten. They called this the "end of history illusion". We consistently underestimate how much we are still growing.

Signs in how you think

1. You question things and are not sure of everything

Doubt can feel like weakness, but a habit of asking questions is how people learn. A common claim is that the less people know, the more certain they are, usually linked to the Dunning–Kruger effect. That is an oversimplification: the 1999 study by David Dunning and Justin Kruger found that low scorers on specific tests overestimated their skill, not that uncertainty proves intelligence, and some researchers argue part of the effect is a statistical artefact. The fair takeaway is narrower. Being willing to say "I might be wrong" helps you notice mistakes and update your views.

2. Part of your life leaves you dissatisfied

Restlessness is information. It means you can see a gap between how things are and how you want them to be, which is the starting point for every deliberate change. Many people never act on that feeling because changing jobs, cities or relationships is frightening. Noticing it is the first, necessary step.

3. You feel lost

Feeling directionless is uncomfortable, but it often comes from outgrowing a plan rather than failing at one. People who feel completely settled have sometimes simply stopped asking what else they want. If you feel lost, use it: try small experiments, talk to people whose lives interest you, and let curiosity rather than panic choose the next step.

Signs in how you handle pain

4. You fell for the wrong person and got hurt

Someone can care for you deeply and still not be ready, or not be right. Heartbreak hurts precisely because you were willing to be open, and that openness is something to keep. What changes is your judgement: you learn which signals to trust, and you get clearer about what you need from a partner.

5. You lost something important and still grieve it

Continuing to hurt after a loss is not a sign you are stuck. It shows the thing mattered. Grief does not follow a neat timetable, and feeling it is part of healing rather than a delay to it. If grief stays overwhelming for a long time or affects daily life, talking to a doctor or counsellor can help.

6. Your pride took a hit

A line usually credited to fitness coach Jillian Michaels puts it well: "A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul." Being humbled, whether by criticism, a failed project or an honest friend, is often what pushes people to grow. The sting fades; the lesson tends to stay.

7. Some days are simply miserable

Breakups, divorce, job loss or a run of bad luck can flatten anyone. Hard periods do not prove you are failing. Psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun coined the term "post-traumatic growth" in the 1990s to describe people who report closer relationships, new priorities and greater appreciation of life after a crisis. They and other researchers also stress that growth and distress often coexist, and that nobody should feel pressured to find a silver lining on demand.

Signs in your relationships

8. You have one or two friends who feel like family

If there is someone you could call at four in the morning, you have one of the strongest protective factors for wellbeing that exists. Large, long-running studies such as the Harvard Study of Adult Development have repeatedly linked close relationships with better health and happiness in later life. Quality matters far more than the number of friends.

9. You got rejected or missed out on something you wanted

Rejection means you tried. You applied, asked, auditioned or put your work out there, which many people never do. The saying that one door closes and another opens is often attributed to Alexander Graham Bell; the version worth remembering is less magical. The next opportunity is not guaranteed to be better, but you will be better prepared for it.

Signs in how you have changed

10. You have made mistakes

Mistakes are the cost of doing anything worthwhile. The useful question is not whether you made them, but whether you learned from them. A mistake that shows you what you do not want, or who you do not want to be, has done its job.

11. Your story did not end the way you planned

Plenty of good lives do not follow a tidy beginning, middle and end. A relationship, career or plan that ended early can still have been worth it, and an unplanned turn can lead somewhere you could not have imagined. Making the most of the present is more reliable than waiting for the perfect ending.

12. You are not the person you were a year ago

If you can look back and see that you think, react or choose differently now, you are growing. That is exactly what the end of history research suggests most people underestimate. Change is not always comfortable, but being stuck in the same patterns forever would be worse.

How to notice your own progress

Progress is easier to see when you measure it against your own past rather than other people's present. A few simple habits help:

• Compare with a few months ago. Pick one area, such as health, work, money or a relationship, and ask what is easier or clearer now than it was then.
• Keep a short record. A few lines a week about what you handled, learned or let go of builds evidence you can reread on bad days.
• Count invisible wins. Setting a boundary, asking for help or recovering faster after a setback are real achievements even if nobody else sees them.
• Be specific, not global. "I handled that conversation badly" is useful. "I am a failure" is not, and it is rarely true.

Doing better rarely feels like a victory lap. More often it feels like being a little less afraid, a little more honest and a little quicker to get back up. If that sounds like you, you are further along than you think.

Sources: Original list by Puckermob contributor, first published on Puckermob; Wikipedia: End-of-history illusion; Wikipedia: Dunning–Kruger effect; Wikipedia: Posttraumatic growth.