Being assertive means saying clearly what you think, need or will not accept, while still respecting the other person. It is not the same as being bossy, loud or harsh. In practice it comes down to four habits: say exactly what you mean, own your feelings instead of managing everyone else's, stop apologising for reasonable decisions, and stay calm when the conversation gets tense.
The idea comes from a manager named Justin, who wrote that bosses kept telling him he was "too nice". He eventually realised that niceness was never the problem. He simply was not assertive, and plenty of kind people and plenty of unpleasant people share that same gap. Below, we expand his four keys with examples, explain how assertiveness differs from other styles, and look at the common myths that keep people stuck.
Assertive, passive or aggressive: the difference
Psychologists usually describe three or four communication styles. The Mayo Clinic summarises them clearly:
- Passive: avoiding conflict, agreeing to keep the peace and putting your own needs last. It feels safe but tends to build resentment.
- Aggressive: pushing your view with little regard for others, sometimes through intimidation. It may win the moment but damages trust.
- Passive-aggressive: saying yes while meaning no, then expressing anger through sarcasm, gossip or quiet sabotage.
- Assertive: stating your view and standing up for your interests while respecting other people's rights and opinions.
Assertiveness is linked to better self-esteem, more honest relationships, fewer misunderstandings and less stress, especially for people who find it hard to turn down extra work. It applies at home and with friends as much as in the office.
1. Say what you mean, and mean what you say
Nobody can read your mind. If you leave others to guess what you need, they will fill the gap with their own assumptions, and you will live with the result. Clear communication is the foundation of every other assertive skill.
Two tools help. First, be specific: "Could you send the figures by Thursday noon?" works far better than "Whenever you get a chance." Second, use "I" statements. "I disagree with that plan" or "I need more notice for weekend shifts" states your position without attacking. "You're wrong" or "You always do this" invites defence.
Do not be afraid of saying a little more than seems necessary. Confirming an agreement in a short message, or repeating back what you heard, prevents a lot of later friction.
2. Take responsibility for your feelings, not everyone else's
Much of our silence comes from worrying how others will react. A manager avoids correcting a mistake because the employee might be upset. A friend keeps agreeing to plans they dislike because saying no feels unkind. In both cases, the other person's possible discomfort quietly outranks your own needs.
The result rarely helps anyone. The employee keeps making the same error and may later face a much harsher conversation. The friendship slowly fills with resentment. Being considerate about how you speak is good; making yourself responsible for every feeling someone else might have is not. You are in charge of your words and tone. They are in charge of their response.
3. Stop apologising for reasonable decisions
Many people, especially those raised to be agreeable, wrap every request or decision in apologies: "Sorry, but I can't make it", "Sorry to bother you, could you possibly…". Over time this tells others, and yourself, that your needs are an imposition.
A business decision made for good reasons does not need an apology, and neither does looking after your own wellbeing. Instead of apologising for how something makes you feel, explain it: "I felt sidelined when the plan changed without me" opens a conversation; "Sorry, I'm probably being oversensitive" closes one.
This is not a rule against apologising. When you have genuinely made a mistake or hurt someone, a clear apology is itself an assertive act. The goal is to save "sorry" for when it is true.
Saying no deserves special mention. A short, direct "No, I can't take that on this month" is enough. An explanation is optional, and if you give one, keep it brief.
4. Stay cool under pressure
Assertiveness is easiest to lose exactly when it matters most: in a heated meeting or an argument at home. Keeping your composure is what lets people take you seriously. There is a big difference between leading people who trust you and trying to control them through force.
- Pause before answering. If you are upset, it is fine to say, "Let me think about that and come back to you."
- Breathe slowly and keep your voice steady and even.
- Use open body language: upright posture, relaxed face, regular eye contact, arms uncrossed.
- Return to the point. If the conversation drifts or turns personal, calmly restate what you need.
At work, calm assertiveness builds confidence that you are steering in a sensible direction. In personal life, it is how you set boundaries that others actually respect.
Practising assertiveness step by step
Assertiveness is a skill, so it improves with practice. A few practical ways to build it:
- Notice your default. For a week, watch when you stay silent, over-commit or snap. Patterns show you where to start.
- Script difficult conversations. A common structure is to describe the situation, say how it affects you, state what you would like instead, and explain what will improve if it changes.
- Rehearse. Write out what you want to say, practise aloud or role-play with a friend.
- Start small. Send back the wrong order at a café, or state a restaurant preference, before tackling a pay rise or a family conflict.
- Review afterwards. What went well? What would you adjust next time?
If anxiety, anger or old fears keep getting in the way, assertiveness training courses or a counsellor can help.
Myths that keep people from being assertive
"Assertive people are pushy." Pushiness ignores other people's rights. Assertiveness includes them.
"Being nice and being assertive don't mix." Some of the most respected leaders are both. Kindness shapes how you say things; assertiveness makes sure you say them.
"If I say no, people will dislike me." Most people respect clear, polite limits far more than a yes that later turns into resentment or a missed deadline.
"You're either born assertive or you're not." It is a learned skill, and almost everyone can get better at it with deliberate practice.
Sources: Mayo Clinic: Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better. Based on an essay by a manager named Justin, first published on I Heart Intelligence.
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