17 Things to Let Go Of: Kim Quindlen's List With Practical Steps

Originally published 2017-02-09.

Letting go means deciding to stop carrying something that drains you: an expectation, a grudge, a habit or a relationship that no longer works. It is not about pretending you do not care. It is about choosing where your energy goes.

Thought Catalog staff writer Kim Quindlen put together a list of seventeen things worth releasing as one year turned into the next. The ideas have aged well because they are not tied to any particular year: needing all the answers, judging people too quickly, fighting your own body, holding on to one-sided friendships, perfectionism, harsh self-talk, constant digital noise and more. Below, her seventeen points are summarised in our own words and grouped by theme, with notes on what psychology and health research say about each and a few practical ways to act on them. Pick one or two that fit your life now rather than trying to change everything at once.

Letting go of impossible standards

1. Having your whole life mapped out. Quindlen's first point is that nobody truly knows exactly who they will become, what work they will do or who they will share their life with. Feeling unsure is a normal part of adult life, not evidence that you are failing. A useful habit is to plan the next sensible step rather than the next twenty years.

6. Needing to be right. Everyone gets things wrong. The point is not to stop having opinions but to admit mistakes when they happen. Owning an error quickly usually earns more respect than defending it.

7. Believing it is too late for the career you want. Career changes in your thirties, forties and beyond are common. "Never too late" is not a guarantee of success, but timing is rarely the only obstacle. Start by testing your interest with a course, side project or conversation with someone already in the field.

11. Perfectionism. Quindlen urges readers to accept flaws and mistakes and to notice how they can build strength. Research supports the concern: a 2019 analysis in Psychological Bulletin by Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill found that perfectionism among college students in the US, Canada and the UK rose between 1989 and 2016, and high perfectionism is linked with anxiety and depression. Aim for "good and finished" more often than "flawless".

Being kinder to yourself

3. Hating your body. Wanting to be healthy and feel good in your body is fine. What Quindlen asks readers to drop is the belief that something must be fixed before you deserve to like yourself. Since everyone will always find some flaw, acceptance tends to be a longer and more useful project than correction.

10. Shame about anxiety or depression. These are common health conditions, not character flaws. The list encourages readers to be gentle with themselves and get help. If you are struggling, talk to a doctor or a mental health professional; you are far from alone.

14. Negative self-talk. The inner voice that says you are not good, successful or lovable enough rarely disappears entirely, but it can be quietened. Mayo Clinic describes common forms of negative thinking, such as filtering out the positives, blaming yourself for everything, expecting the worst and seeing things as all good or all bad. A simple test is to ask whether you would say the same words to a friend.

Psychologist Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion offers a framework: treat yourself with kindness rather than judgement, remember that struggling is part of the shared human experience, and notice painful thoughts without being swept away by them.

Rethinking how you judge and keep people

2. Seeing people as all good or all bad. Snap judgements are human, but most people are a mix of strengths and failings shaped by histories we cannot see. Learning someone's story before you decide who they are makes for fairer judgements and kinder relationships.

4. Old anger at friends who keep trying to make amends. When a friend has hurt you but has sincerely and repeatedly tried to put it right, forgiving them can lift a weight. It helps to know what forgiveness means: Mayo Clinic describes it as a decision to release resentment, which does not excuse the harm and does not require reconciliation. You can forgive and still decide how close to let someone come back.

5. One-sided friendships. If you are always the one calling, planning and making the effort, it is fair to step back. Quindlen notes that this does not require a dramatic falling-out. You can still wish someone well while spending your energy on friends who meet you halfway.

8. People whose love depends on you changing. Growth is healthy; being told you must become someone else to be accepted is not. Pay attention to whether people encourage you or try to remake you.

17. Toxic patterns, including your own. The list closes with a call to drop harmful thoughts, things and people, and to own your part in them. Quindlen ends on a simple instruction: "Spread love and spread light." In practice that might mean an act of generosity each day, which tends to lift the giver's mood as well as the receiver's.

Changing everyday habits

9. Passivity. It is easy to feel stuck with a job, a city or a relationship and to treat that as fixed. Quindlen argues for taking back some control: decide you can change things, start small, and keep going. Not every circumstance is in your hands, but most of us have more choices than we use.

12. Small irritations. Traffic, noisy commuters and an annoying colleague can sour a whole day if you let them. Noticing the irritation, naming it and deciding it is not worth more of your time is a skill that improves with practice.

13. Half-hearted effort. This item asks readers to show up fully as friends, employees and partners, and to aim high even if they do not always succeed. It sits in some tension with the advice on perfectionism. The two fit together if you think of effort as caring about what you do, not demanding perfect results.

15. Spending on things you do not value. Money drifts away on purchases that bring little joy. A quick review of your last month's spending often shows where small cuts would free up money for things that matter to you.

16. Constant digital noise. Notifications, scrolling, likes and shares can leave no room to think. Quindlen asks readers to allow themselves quiet and time with their own thoughts. Practical steps include switching off non-essential notifications, keeping your phone out of the bedroom and setting phone-free hours.

What letting go is not

It is not suppressing feelings. Pushing anger or sadness down tends to make it come back stronger. Letting go usually starts with admitting how you feel.

It is not giving up on people automatically. Some relationships deserve repair. The list itself asks readers both to forgive friends who are trying and to step away from those who are not.

It is not a one-off event. Old grudges and habits return. Letting go is often a decision you make again each time they do.

A simple way to start

Choose one item from the list that stood out. Write down what holding on to it costs you, in time, money, sleep or peace of mind, and one small action you could take this week. If it is digital noise, that could be turning off one app's alerts. If it is a one-sided friendship, it could be not sending the next "we should catch up" message and seeing what happens. Then come back to the list in a month and see what has shifted.

Sources: List by Kim Quindlen, Thought Catalog, as shared via Idea Spots; Kristin Neff: What is self-compassion?; Mayo Clinic: Forgiveness; Mayo Clinic: Positive thinking and self-talk.