Originally published 2016-06-24.
When Dan Turner asked a California judge for leniency in 2016, he described his son's crime as a "steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action." One line in a father's letter became a national argument about how we talk about sexual assault, who carries its consequences, and what parents owe the next generation. Among the many replies was a short essay by Christine Suhan, written in the voice of a father of three boys whose wife had survived a rape at college. Its message was simple: the most useful lesson of the case is not a warning to young women about drinking, but a duty to raise sons who understand consent.
This article sets out the basic facts of the case, explains why the father's words caused such anger, summarises the essay's argument about trauma and parenting, and offers practical, research-based ways to talk with children and teenagers about consent.
What happened in the Stanford case
In January 2015, Brock Turner, then a 19-year-old Stanford University student and swimmer, sexually assaulted a 22-year-old woman who was unconscious on the university campus. Two Swedish graduate students cycling past, Peter Lars Jonsson and Carl-Fredrik Arndt, saw what was happening, stepped in and held Turner until police arrived.
In March 2016 a jury convicted him of three felonies: assault with intent to commit rape of an intoxicated person, and two counts of sexual penetration of an intoxicated and an unconscious person. Two rape charges had been dropped before trial. On 2 June 2016 Judge Aaron Persky sentenced him to six months in county jail, three years of probation and lifetime registration as a sex offender. He was released on 2 September 2016 after serving three months. A state appeals court upheld the conviction in August 2018.
The woman, known in court papers as "Emily Doe," read a long victim impact statement at the sentencing. Published online the next day, it was viewed millions of times within days. In 2019 she identified herself as Chanel Miller and published a memoir, Know My Name.
Why a father's letter caused such anger
Any parent can understand the instinct to defend a child. What troubled so many readers was the framing. Calling the assault "action" recast a crime as a lapse, and measuring it in minutes treated its weight as small. The letter focused on how the conviction would limit his son's future, where he could live, work and travel, with almost nothing about the woman he harmed.
Critics argued that this kind of language is not just one family's private grief. It mirrors a wider habit of describing sexual violence as a misunderstanding, a party gone wrong, or a youthful mistake, which quietly shifts attention from the person who acted to the person who was hurt. The sentence itself seemed to many to reflect the same thinking: the judge reportedly gave weight to the severe impact a prison term would have on the young athlete.
The essay: a husband's view of lasting trauma
Christine Suhan's piece answered the father directly. Its narrator says the "20 minutes" do not stay in the past for a survivor. He describes his wife, more than a decade after she was raped at college, still sometimes reacting to an affectionate touch with sudden fear, and the slow, uncertain return of intimacy in their marriage. For years, he admits, he did not understand why, and took it personally. Learning about post-traumatic stress helped him see that her reactions were not a choice.
The essay's line that her "body remembers what her mind can't" captures something clinicians and survivors often describe. Trauma can surface through the nervous system: startle responses, flashbacks, avoidance, or feeling unsafe in situations that are objectively safe. These reactions are not weakness or overreaction. They are common responses to a frightening experience, and many people find relief with trauma-informed therapy and patient support from those close to them. Anyone living with these effects, or supporting a partner who is, can talk to a doctor or a qualified counsellor about options.
The essay also refuses the idea that rape is simply "a poor decision." Its narrator loves his sons without limit, he says, but would never excuse them if they harmed someone this way. Love for a child, in his view, includes holding them accountable.
From warning girls to raising boys
Much public advice after cases like this one is aimed at young women: watch your drink, stay with friends, don't drink too much. Safety advice has its place, but the essay argues it puts the burden in the wrong place. Responsibility for sexual violence belongs to the person who commits it, and the most effective prevention starts long before college, in how boys are taught to see other people.
Public health research supports that shift. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines sexual violence as sexual activity where consent is not obtained or freely given, and says it can be prevented by changing social norms, teaching skills and creating protective environments, not only by teaching potential victims to avoid danger.
Checking the statistic
The original essay said that one in four women suffer sexual abuse. The exact figure depends on what is counted. According to the CDC's national survey, more than 1 in 5 women in the United States have experienced completed or attempted rape in their lifetime, and nearly half have experienced some form of contact sexual violence. Men are affected too: more than 1 in 6 have experienced contact sexual violence. However it is measured, the problem is common enough that most people know someone affected, whether they realise it or not.
What consent actually means
Consent is often reduced to "no means no," but most educators now teach something fuller. Planned Parenthood uses the acronym FRIES to describe it:
- Freely given: a real choice, made without pressure, manipulation or impairment from alcohol or drugs.
- Reversible: anyone can change their mind at any point, even partway through or after saying yes before.
- Informed: people need honest information about what they are agreeing to.
- Enthusiastic: people should do what they actually want, not what they feel obliged to do.
- Specific: agreeing to one thing is not agreeing to everything.
The Stanford case shows the point most clearly: a person who is unconscious or heavily intoxicated cannot consent. Silence, a lack of resistance or an earlier flirtation is not agreement. California law changed after the case partly to make this clearer in sentencing.
How parents can teach consent at every age
The essay's narrator plans to read the victim's statement with his sons once they are old enough. That is one powerful tool, but consent education works best as a steady series of small conversations rather than a single talk.
Young children
- Teach correct names for body parts and that their body belongs to them.
- Let them refuse hugs or tickling, and model asking: "Can I give you a hug?"
- Stop a game when another child says stop, and explain why that matters.
Older children and teens
- Talk about reading and respecting other people's boundaries, online and in person, including sharing photos.
- Be explicit that alcohol or drugs never create permission, and that someone who is drunk or asleep cannot agree to anything.
- Challenge jokes and talk that treat girls or women as conquests. Silence from adults is read as approval.
- Teach bystander skills: checking on a friend, getting help, or interrupting a situation that looks wrong, as the two cyclists at Stanford did.
- Make clear that if they ever cause harm, the right response is to take responsibility, not to minimise.
Parents do not need perfect words. What matters most is that children hear, repeatedly and from people they trust, that other people's choices about their own bodies come first.
What changed after the case
Public anger had real consequences. On 30 September 2016 California signed two laws: AB 701 broadened the legal definition of rape to include digital penetration, and AB 2888 set a mandatory minimum prison sentence for sexual assault of an unconscious or intoxicated person. Stanford banned Turner from campus for life, and USA Swimming banned him from the sport.
In June 2018 voters in Santa Clara County recalled Judge Persky by roughly 62% to 38%, the first recall of a California judge in 86 years. Chanel Miller's memoir, published in 2019, gave her own account of the aftermath and has become widely read in discussions of survivor experience and the justice system.
The essay's closing hope remains the most practical lesson. Laws and sentences respond after harm is done. Prevention happens earlier, at kitchen tables and in car rides, when adults teach boys and girls alike that respect for another person is not optional, and that taking responsibility is what integrity looks like.
If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, local support services and helplines can offer confidential help. In the United States, RAINN runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
Sources: Original essay by Christine Suhan, Feelings and Faith; Wikipedia: People v. Turner; CDC: About Sexual Violence; Planned Parenthood: Sexual Consent.
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