A Divorced Man’s 20 Marriage Tips, and What Therapists Said

In 2013 Gerald Rogers, a motivational speaker, posted a list on Facebook of the marriage advice he wished someone had given him. His divorce had just been finalised after a marriage of almost sixteen years, and the twenty tips, written to husbands, were liked and shared by thousands of people. The core message is simple: keep choosing your partner, take responsibility for your own feelings, and never stop showing love. Therapists who reviewed the list for Live Science liked much of it, but they also flagged a few points that could mislead couples. Here is the list in brief, what the experts said, and how to turn it into something useful for any relationship.

Why a divorced man’s list went viral

Rogers did not claim to be an expert. His starting point was regret: these were lessons, he wrote, that he learned the hard way and too late, and he hoped young husbands would read them while there was still time. That honesty is a big part of why the post spread. Advice from someone who failed and owned it can land harder than advice from someone who seems to have it all figured out.

The list is also emotional and dramatic in tone, full of capital letters and promises. That makes it inspiring to read, but it means some tips are better understood as feelings than as instructions. The experts’ comments below help separate the two.

The 20 tips, in brief

Keep the romance alive (tips 1–5)

Keep courting. Do not stop dating your wife or start taking her for granted once you are married. She chose you, and laziness in love is how marriages drift.
Guard your own heart. Protect the private part of your life that belongs only to your partner, and keep anyone else from slipping into it.
Fall in love again and again. Both of you will change over the years, so you need to choose each other again as different people.
Look for the best in her. What you pay attention to grows. Focus on irritations and you will find more of them; focus on what you love and the same happens.
Do not try to fix her. Love your partner as she is, and if she changes, love who she becomes.

Own your feelings (tips 6–10)

Take responsibility for your emotions. Your partner cannot make you happy or unhappy; your own happiness is your job.
Don’t blame. When you feel angry, Rogers suggests, look at what is being stirred up inside you. He goes further and claims we pick partners who trigger old childhood wounds so we can heal them, which is a popular idea in self-help writing rather than a proven fact.
Let her feelings be. When your partner is upset, you do not always need to solve anything. Stay, listen and make it clear you are not leaving.
Be playful. Laugh, make your partner laugh, and do not take yourself too seriously.
Learn what makes her feel loved. Ask for a list of the specific things that make your partner feel valued, and act on them every day.

Show up fully (tips 11–15)

Be present. Give your attention, not just your time. Rogers says to treat your wife at least as well as your most important client.
Keep physical intimacy alive. Rogers wrote this one in very charged language about desire and strength. Its useful core is that a sexual connection built on trust and mutual wanting is part of a close marriage.
Accept that you will make mistakes. Neither of you will be perfect. Try to avoid big errors and learn from the ones you make.
Give her space. Encourage your partner to take time for herself, especially once there are children, so she can recharge.
Be vulnerable. Share fears and feelings and admit your mistakes quickly.

Build for the long term (tips 16–20)

Be fully transparent. Trust needs honesty about everything, including the parts you would rather hide.
Keep growing together. Relationships stagnate when nobody works on them. Set shared goals and dreams.
Treat money as a team game. Rogers frames finances as something to win together rather than fight about.
Forgive quickly. Do not let old mistakes become an anchor on the marriage.
Always choose love. His closing rule, repeated three times, is that love should guide every decision.

Rogers ends by saying marriage is work rather than a fairy tale, and he challenges men to become the kind of husband their wives proudly talk about.

What therapists liked

When Live Science asked three relationship experts to review the list, all of them singled out the advice not to try to change your partner. Psychiatrist Mark Banschick, author of The Intelligent Divorce, called it “very pragmatic and solid advice for everybody.” Psychologist Susan Heitler also named it as her favourite tip.

Marriage and family therapist Jane Greer said most of the points were excellent, and her personal favourite was the idea of falling in love with your partner over and over. That fits a basic truth of long relationships: people change, and couples who stay curious about each other cope with that better than couples who expect nothing to change.

Where the experts pushed back

Forgiving immediately is not realistic. Greer warned that simply telling people to forgive can keep them stuck, especially after a serious hurt such as an affair. Forgiveness usually follows repair: the person who caused harm acknowledges it, changes the behaviour and rebuilds trust over time. In cases of abuse, safety comes first, and forgiveness is never a reason to stay in danger.

Listening is missing. Heitler pointed out that accepting your partner is not enough on its own, and that the list says little about listening. In her words: “The biggest mistake most men make is insufficient listening.” Communication skills, such as raising problems calmly and hearing your partner out before answering, are at the heart of most couples therapy.

It is one-sided. The list is written by a man to men, with fixed ideas about what women are like and need. Many readers will find it works better as two-way advice. Every tip, from courting to transparency to giving space, applies just as well when you swap the roles or when both partners are of the same sex.

What research says helps marriages last

The Gottman Institute, founded by psychologists John and Julie Gottman, has studied couples for decades. It describes four patterns that predict trouble: criticism of a partner’s character, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (shutting down). It calls contempt, meaning mockery, sarcasm or eye-rolling that signals superiority, the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Seen through that lens, several of Rogers’ tips hold up well. Focusing on what you love about your partner works against contempt. Taking responsibility for your feelings works against blame and defensiveness. Staying present when your partner is upset is the opposite of stonewalling. Where his list is thin is on the practical skills of handling conflict, which is exactly what therapists teach.

Putting the advice into practice

Pick one tip a week. Twenty tips at once is too many. Choose one, such as learning what makes your partner feel loved, and practise it.
Ask, do not guess. Tip 10 is the most practical on the list: ask your partner what makes them feel valued, and share your own answer too.
Schedule time together. Courting does not need grand gestures. A regular walk, meal or evening without phones keeps the connection alive.
Repair after arguments. Come back to a fight once you are both calm, own your part and agree on one change.
Get help early. Couples counselling works best before resentment hardens. If there is violence, control or fear in the relationship, contact a local support service or doctor first.

Rogers’ regret is the most powerful part of his post: by the time he understood what mattered, his marriage was over. His list is worth reading for that reason, as long as you pair it with good listening, honest repair and help when you need it.

Sources: Gerald Rogers’ original Facebook post, via Idealist Revolution; Live Science: experts examine the viral marriage advice; The Gottman Institute: the Four Horsemen.

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