6 Things to Stop Expecting From Others (and What to Expect Instead)

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6 things you should stop expecting from others
Brian Donovan

The expectations most worth letting go of are the ones that hand your happiness to other people: expecting them to respect you before you respect yourself, to read your mind, to make you happy, to fix your life, to be fine all the time, and to become who you imagine they should be. Dropping these does not mean expecting nothing from anyone. It means keeping fair expectations, such as honesty and basic kindness, while taking back the parts of your life only you can manage.

Other people will always affect us; that is part of living among them. What we can choose is how much their behaviour steers ours. The romance novelist Lisa Kleypas puts the idea neatly in Love in the Afternoon (2010):

"If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you." Lisa Kleypas

Here are six expectations to release, why each one causes trouble, and what to put in its place.

1. Respect from others before respect from yourself

How you treat yourself quietly teaches others how to treat you. If you constantly put yourself down, apologise for taking up space or accept poor behaviour without comment, people tend to follow that lead. Waiting for others to prove that you are capable, attractive or worthwhile puts your self-worth in their hands.

Self-respect is less about grand confidence and more about everyday choices: keeping promises to yourself, saying no when you mean no, and speaking about yourself the way you would speak about a friend. As that habit grows, the respect you receive from others usually follows, and it matters less when it does not.

2. People knowing what you think without being told

Many disappointments come from needs we never actually voiced. We hint, we hope, and then we feel hurt when a partner, friend or manager misses the signal. Psychologists call one version of this the "illusion of transparency": we overestimate how clearly our inner states show on the outside. Thomas Gilovich, Kenneth Savitsky and Victoria Medvec documented it in a 1998 study.

A classic Stanford experiment by Elizabeth Newton makes the point vividly. People tapped out well-known songs on a table and predicted that about half of listeners would guess the tune. In reality, only around 3 percent did. The tappers could hear the melody in their heads; the listeners heard only knocking.

The fix is plain communication. Tell a new partner what you enjoy and what you do not. Raise problems with friends directly and kindly. If you want a promotion, say so and explain why you have earned it. Some things are better shown than said, but clear words prevent most of the misunderstandings that silent expectations create.

3. Everyone making you happy

Not every person you meet is there to add joy to your life. Most people are busy pursuing their own happiness, and sometimes their goals will clash with yours. A colleague may compete for the same role; a friend may move away; a date may want something different. Treating each of these as a personal attack only adds anger to disappointment.

A calmer view is that you can be content without everyone's cooperation. And when you do find people whose idea of happiness includes your wellbeing too, you will recognise how valuable they are and want to keep them close.

4. Someone else fixing your life

It is tempting to believe that life will fall into place once the right partner, friend or mentor arrives. While waiting, it is easy to neglect the things only you can do: looking after your health, building skills, sorting finances, making a home you like. Then, if someone does arrive, they inherit a pile of unfinished business.

Put your energy into your own here and now. Relationships work best when two people who are already looking after themselves choose to share their lives, not when one is waiting to be rescued. You are the one person guaranteed to be present for your whole life, so you are also the best person to take care of it.

5. People being fine all the time

Looking after yourself does not mean ignoring others. Everyone carries worries you cannot see: illness, grief, money trouble, exhaustion. A short reply or a cold mood may have nothing to do with you. Expecting people to be cheerful and easy at all times sets you up for frustration and makes you quicker to judge.

You may have seen the line "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" credited to Plato. It is often attributed to Plato or Philo of Alexandria, but its earliest known version comes from the Scottish minister and novelist John Watson, who wrote as Ian Maclaren, in 1897. Whoever said it, the advice holds. Give people room to have bad days, while still protecting yourself from genuine cruelty.

6. People fitting your idea of who they are

Most of us know how draining it is to be measured against someone else's picture of who we should be. It is easy to forget that we do the same thing to others. We fall for a version of a person in our heads and then push the real person to match it.

Accepting people as they are is a form of generosity. It does not mean tolerating behaviour that makes you miserable. If someone has traits you truly cannot live with, the honest choice may be distance rather than a long campaign to change them. But expecting a person to become someone else is rarely fair to either of you, and it almost never works.

Healthy expectations versus heavy ones

Letting go of these six does not mean lowering your standards. It is reasonable to expect honesty, reliability and respect in close relationships, and to step back when those are missing. The difference is that healthy expectations are spoken, fair and mutual, while heavy ones are silent, one-sided or impossible.

Before you next feel let down, a few questions can help:

  • Did I clearly say what I needed?
  • Have I done my part before asking others to do theirs?
  • Have I tried to see the situation from their side?
  • Is this person someone I actually want to rely on?

If you notice that expectations and disappointment are leaving you constantly anxious, low or resentful, it can help to talk it through with a counsellor, or to talk to a doctor if your mood is affecting daily life. Changing how we expect things of others is a skill, and like any skill it gets easier with practice. It is never too late to start.

Sources: Wikipedia: Illusion of transparency; Wikipedia: Ian Maclaren. Idea first shared by I Heart Intelligence. Photo: Brian Donovan on Flickr.

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