Signs of Emotional Abuse: 30 Patterns and What You Can Do

Originally published 2017-06-14.

Emotional abuse is a repeated pattern of behaviour that one person uses to frighten, belittle, control or isolate another. It rarely leaves bruises, which is exactly why it is so easy to miss, even for the person living with it. The clearest warning signs are constant put-downs, control over your money, movements or friendships, blame for the other person's moods, rewriting of what happened, and quiet threats that keep you anxious.

No single bad argument makes a relationship abusive. What matters is the pattern: the same kinds of behaviour coming back again and again, and the way they slowly change how you see yourself and what you feel free to do. Below, thirty common signs are grouped into five themes, followed by what research says about the effects and practical steps if you recognise your own situation here.

What counts as emotional abuse

Psychologists also call it psychological or mental abuse. Definitions vary, but most agree on two points. First, it is a course of conduct rather than a one-off moment. Second, its purpose or effect is to give one person power over the other. The author and lawyer Andrew Vachss described it as "the systematic diminishment of another", a phrase many counsellors still quote.

It can happen between partners, between parents and children, among relatives, and at work. This article focuses on intimate relationships, where it often sits alongside other forms of control. Research summarised in the psychological-abuse literature suggests that emotional abuse frequently comes before physical violence and is one of the stronger predictors of it, so it deserves to be taken seriously on its own terms.

In England and Wales, the Serious Crime Act 2015 made "controlling or coercive behaviour" in an intimate or family relationship a criminal offence. Ireland followed with its Domestic Violence Act 2018, and some US states, such as Connecticut in 2021, have widened their definitions of domestic violence to include coercive control. The law is catching up with what survivors have long described.

Signs 1 to 6: humiliation and put-downs

These are often the first signs people notice, because they hurt in the moment.

1. Mocking you in front of others. Jokes at your expense when friends are around, followed by "Can't you take a joke?" if you object.
2. Sarcasm designed to sting. Remarks that sound casual, perhaps about the cooking or your clothes, but are plainly meant to make you feel small.
3. Name-calling. Insults become routine, yet the same person reacts with outrage if you ever answer them in kind.
4. Keeping score of your flaws. Your weight, your accent, a mistake from years ago: anything you are sensitive about gets brought up again.
5. Treating you like a child. Correcting you, explaining simple things slowly, or making decisions "for your own good" as if you could not manage your own life.
6. Looking down on you. Eye-rolling, sighing and dismissive body language send the message that you are not an equal partner.

The Gottman Institute, which has studied couples for decades, singles out contempt (mockery, sarcasm and a sense of superiority) as the communication habit most strongly linked to relationships breaking down. In an abusive relationship contempt is not an occasional slip; it is the default tone.

Signs 7 to 13: control over your life

Control is often what separates abuse from ordinary conflict. It tends to tighten gradually, so each step can feel too small to argue about.

7. Needing permission. You start checking before seeing a friend, going out or buying something, because you know the reaction if you don't.
8. Taking over the money. Your partner controls bank cards, demands receipts or makes you ask for cash. Financial control is one of the most common and least discussed forms of abuse.
9. Punishing small "failures". The towel was folded wrong, the call came five minutes late, and you pay for it with anger or silence.
10. Undermining your goals. A new job, a course or a hobby is met with discouragement, criticism or sudden crises that make it impossible.
11. Ignoring your needs and beliefs. What matters to you, from religion to rest, is treated as unimportant or silly.
12. Erasing your separate identity. You are spoken for, your tastes are replaced by theirs, and "we" always means what they want.
13. Withholding information. Plans, finances or family news are kept from you so that you stay dependent and off balance.

Signs 14 to 21: blame, denial and a shifting version of the truth

This group is the most confusing, because it attacks your confidence in your own judgement.

14. "You're too sensitive." Your reaction becomes the problem, rather than the behaviour that caused it.
15. They are never wrong. Disagreeing is treated as disloyalty, and admitting a mistake seems impossible for them.
16. False accusations. You are suddenly accused of flirting, lying or plotting, and spend your energy defending yourself.
17. Excuses without remorse. Stress, alcohol, their childhood or your behaviour explain everything; a genuine apology never arrives.
18. You are blamed for their unhappiness. Their bad day, their debts, even their health problems somehow become your fault.
19. Role reversal. When you raise a concern, they present themselves as the injured party until you end up apologising.
20. Criticism flows one way. They criticise constantly but cannot hear even mild feedback without exploding or sulking.
21. Denying that anything is wrong. They will not accept that their behaviour is abusive, and may deny that events you remember clearly ever happened. This last tactic is often called gaslighting.

Signs 22 to 30: coldness, withdrawal and veiled threats

Abuse is not always loud. Some of the most corrosive tactics are about what is withheld.

22. Emotional unavailability. Warmth, affection and interest in your life are switched off for long stretches.
23. Indifference to your feelings. If you are upset, ill or grieving, it barely registers.
24. Lack of empathy. Your pain is met with boredom or irritation rather than concern.
25. Passive aggression. Instead of asking for attention, they sulk, slam doors or make pointed remarks until you notice.
26. Deliberately provoking you. They know what upsets you and keep doing it, then ignore your requests to stop.
27. Disrespect with a demand for respect. They expect deference but give none in return.
28. Sharing your secrets. Private things you told them are repeated to others or used against you in arguments.
29. Threats of abandonment. They hint, or say outright, that they will leave, so you live with a constant fear of losing them.
30. Vague threats and sly remarks. "You'll regret that" or "Be careful" said in a certain tone keeps you on edge without anything you could easily report.

Why it is so hard to see, and what it does to people

Most emotionally abusive relationships do not start that way. They often begin with intense attention and affection, sometimes called love bombing, and the controlling behaviour creeps in later. Because the good moments are real, people hold on to them and explain away the rest.

Unpredictability makes this stronger. When kindness and cruelty alternate with no clear pattern, the brain keeps hoping for the next good moment. Over time many people start to believe the criticism, lose touch with friends and doubt their own memory.

The effects are well documented. Studies of psychological abuse link it to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress symptoms and a lasting loss of self-esteem. Children who grow up around it can show anxiety, low self-worth or behaviour problems. These effects are not a sign of weakness; they are a normal response to being under sustained pressure.

A common myth

A frequent belief is that emotional abuse is "not as bad" as physical abuse, or that it only counts if someone is yelling. Neither is true. Abuse can be quiet, polite in public and still deeply harmful, and there is no need to rank it against other kinds of harm before taking it seriously.

What you can do if this sounds familiar

You do not need to tick every item on this list. If several of these patterns are part of your daily life, and you feel afraid, watched or smaller than you used to, that is enough reason to reach out.

• Talk to someone outside the relationship. A trusted friend, relative or doctor can offer a reality check when your confidence in your own judgement has been worn down.
• Contact a specialist service. In the United States the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24 hours a day on 1-800-799-7233, or by texting START to 88788. Most countries have similar helplines, and they support people who are not ready to leave as well as those who are.
• Keep a private record. Notes with dates, saved messages and screenshots, stored somewhere the other person cannot reach, can help you see the pattern clearly and may matter later.
• Plan for safety. If you are worried about how your partner might react to a confrontation or a break-up, an advocate can help you plan before you act. If you are ever in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
• Look after your health. If you notice signs of anxiety or depression, talk to a doctor or a qualified therapist.

Recognising emotional abuse is often the hardest part. Once you can name what is happening, it becomes possible to make choices again, at your own pace and with people on your side.

Sources: Wikipedia: Psychological abuse; Wikipedia: Coercive control (laws in England and Wales, Ireland and Connecticut); National Domestic Violence Hotline: What is emotional abuse?; The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen.