Illustration: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk
If your partner lives with depression, anxiety or another mental illness, the most useful things you can do are surprisingly simple: listen without judging, stay patient, keep everyday pressure low, and help them reach professional support while looking after yourself too. None of this requires you to fix their illness. It asks you to be steady and kind while they, and the people treating them, work on it.
These suggestions were put together for Mental Health Awareness Week in May 2017, and they are grounded in guidance from the NHS and the mental health charity Mind.
How common mental health problems are
Mental illness is far more common than many people assume. In a survey for Mental Health Awareness Week 2017, called Surviving or Thriving? The State of the UK's Mental Health, the Mental Health Foundation found that nearly two thirds of people said they had experienced a mental health problem at some point in their lives. More than four in ten said they had experienced depression, and only 13% reported living with high levels of good mental health.
Those figures are self-reported, so they do not equal formal diagnoses. They do show something important: if you love someone who is struggling, you are far from alone, and so are they. Good mental health is also more than the absence of illness. It includes feeling able to cope, connect with others and enjoy life.
Understand what they are facing
You may never fully know what your partner's illness feels like from the inside, and that is fine. What helps is accepting that their reactions are real, even when they do not make sense to you. Someone with depression is not choosing to be tired; the exhaustion is part of the illness. Someone with anxiety is not being dramatic when a small task feels overwhelming.
A few habits make a big difference:
- Avoid labels like "lazy" or "overreacting". They add shame to a condition that already feeds on it. Reading about how depression affects the brain can help you see why.
- Pause before reacting when they are upset. Anger is a natural response to frustration, but it rarely helps in the moment. A calm "I'm here" usually does more.
- Learn about their condition. The NHS and Mind both publish clear guides to depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD and more. Knowing the common signs, such as withdrawal, sleep changes or loss of interest, helps you notice when things are getting worse.
- Ask rather than guess. "What would help right now?" is often better than offering solutions.
You can find more ideas in our longer guide on what to know when your partner has depression.
Go to therapy together, if they want you there
Therapy sessions are usually one-to-one, but many therapists are happy for a partner to join a session if the person in treatment asks. Having a neutral professional in the room can make difficult conversations easier, because neither of you has to manage the discussion alone.
Couples counselling is another option when the illness is putting strain on the relationship. In the UK, NHS talking therapies can be accessed through a GP or, in England, by self-referral, and many charities offer free or low-cost support. The key is to let your partner decide. Attending should feel like support, not supervision.
Ease the pressure on daily life
There will be days when your partner cannot face the plans you were looking forward to. They may want to stay at home for several days in a row. Pushing them usually backfires. Showing patience, staying in with them, and making it clear that they still matter to you tells them the relationship is safe even when they are not at their best.
At the same time, the NHS suggests gently encouraging small, healthy routines: a short walk, regular meals, keeping in touch with friends, or one enjoyable activity. Think of these as invitations rather than demands. Staying in regular contact also matters, because people with depression can become isolated without anyone noticing.
It also helps to keep perspective. Many people feel that ordinary life is a battle, with work, bills, family and social obligations all pulling at once. That was the idea behind the 2017 theme, which asked what it would take for people to move from simply surviving to genuinely thriving.
Know when to get professional help
You cannot solve a mental illness on your own, and you should not try. Give your partner privacy when they need it and be ready to listen when they want to talk. But encourage them to see a doctor, especially if symptoms last more than a couple of weeks, are getting worse, or are affecting work, sleep or eating.
Treatment might include talking therapy, medication, or both. Decisions about medication belong to your partner and their doctor, so if you have questions, encourage them to talk to a doctor rather than relying on advice from friends or the internet.
Get urgent help if you think your partner might harm themselves or someone else, if they have already done so, or if they are seeing or hearing things others cannot. In the UK, call 999 or go to A&E; for urgent but non-emergency help, call NHS 111. Elsewhere, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line in your country.
Peer support can help in between appointments. Apps such as TalkLife connect people who want someone to listen, though they are not a replacement for professional care.
Look after yourself as well
Supporting someone you love through mental illness can be draining. Both the NHS and Mind stress that carers and partners need to protect their own wellbeing. That means keeping up your own friendships and interests, getting enough rest, and talking to someone about how you feel. Mind has a dedicated guide on coping while caring for someone else.
Feeling tired, frustrated or sad does not make you a bad partner. It makes you human. Looking after yourself is part of being able to keep showing up.
The original post shared this video message, credited to the YouTuber PewDiePie, which many readers found encouraging:
About Mental Health Awareness Week
In the UK, Mental Health Awareness Week is run by the Mental Health Foundation and takes place each May. Over the years it has focused on themes such as anxiety, sleep, mindfulness and relationships. The 2017 week, held from 8 to 14 May, used the theme "Surviving or Thriving?" and set out to show how many people are getting by rather than doing well. Its report listed ten ways to look after mental health, including talking about your feelings, asking for help and accepting who you are. A similar observance, Mental Health Awareness Month, has been held in the United States every May since 1949.
For campaign materials and updates, visit the Mental Health Foundation. If you want to explore how practices such as meditation may support mental health, treat them as a complement to care, not a substitute.
Sources: BACP, 11 May 2017: Surviving or thriving? The state of the UK's mental health; NHS: How to help someone with depression; Mind: Helping someone else; Wikipedia: Mental Health Awareness Month; illustration by Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk.
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