Originally published 2017-03-04.
Sexual consent means a person freely and clearly agrees to a specific sexual activity, at that moment, and is able to make that choice. If someone is asleep, unconscious, too drunk or high to decide, pressured, or simply silent, there is no consent. Agreement can also be withdrawn at any point, and saying yes once does not cover every later occasion.
That is the short answer. The rest of this page explains where the idea comes from, why everyday comparisons help so many people understand it, and where those comparisons stop being useful.
The image that started the conversation
In 2016 and 2017 a screenshot circulated widely on 9GAG and other sharing sites under the headline that a woman had explained the difference between rape and consent to men who still did not understand it. The picture below is that viral image.
The format matches a short thread that, according to Mic and other outlets, was posted in August 2016 by a Twitter user named Nafisa Ahmed (@thatxxv). Her point used money as a comparison. If a drunk person hands you five dollars, that is not the same as you taking five dollars from their purse while they are too drunk to notice. Mic summarised her conclusion in one line: “Stealing $5 from a drunk person purse isn’t confusing — it’s just stealing.” We could not open the original tweets, so the exact wording in the image may differ slightly from these reports.
The comparison works because nobody argues about theft. People instinctively understand that a person’s condition, and whether they actually chose to hand something over, decides whether the transaction was fair. The thread asked readers to apply the same plain logic to sex.
What consent actually requires
Sexual health educators often summarise consent with the acronym FRIES, used by Planned Parenthood. Each letter names one condition:
- Freely given. The choice is made without pressure, threats, guilt-tripping or manipulation.
- Reversible. Anyone can change their mind, before or during sex, and the other person stops.
- Informed. People agree to what is really happening. Agreeing to sex with a condom, for example, is not agreement to sex without one.
- Enthusiastic. People do what they actually want to do, not what they feel they owe someone.
- Specific. A yes to one activity is not a yes to others.
Two further points follow directly. Silence is not agreement, and the absence of a struggle is not agreement either. Fear, shock and confusion often leave people unable to speak or move. A partner who is unsure should simply ask, and should treat anything other than a clear yes as a no.
Alcohol, sleep and the capacity to decide
The money comparison in the viral image focuses on intoxication for a good reason. Many assaults involve alcohol, and many arguments about blame start with questions like “how much had she been drinking?” or “why did he go home with them?”
Planned Parenthood puts the rule simply: people who are drunk, high or passed out cannot consent. Someone who is asleep cannot agree to anything. A person who is very intoxicated may still be awake and talking, yet unable to understand what is happening or to resist. Laws in many countries describe this as lacking the capacity to consent.
The drinking itself is never the wrong. Being drunk is not an invitation, in the same way that being drunk does not make it acceptable for a stranger to empty your wallet. Responsibility sits with the person who chose to act when the other could not choose.
Relationships, past encounters and changing your mind
A common misunderstanding is that a relationship, a marriage or a previous night together grants ongoing permission. It does not. Consent belongs to a particular activity at a particular time. Partners who have been together for years still need each other’s agreement each time, and most of the time that agreement is obvious and easy because they communicate well.
The same applies to reputation. Whether someone is known to enjoy sex, how they dress, or what they have done with other people says nothing about whether they agree to this act with this person now. The thread in the image made the same point with money: being generous in the past does not mean anyone may help themselves to your purse.
Changing one’s mind is equally normal. Someone may want to start and then want to stop because of pain, discomfort, a memory or simply a change of mood. A respectful partner stops without arguing and without punishing the other person with sulking or anger.
Why analogies help, and where they fall short
Comparisons with money, tea or borrowed belongings are popular because they strip away the emotional fog around sex. Probably the best known is the 2015 animated video “Tea Consent”, written by Emmeline May under the name Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess, drawn by Rachel Brian of Blue Seat Studios and first produced for a Thames Valley Police awareness campaign in England. It compares sex with offering someone a cup of tea: you do not force tea down the throat of someone who is unconscious.
Analogies have limits. Sexual violence is not a property crime. It harms the body and the mind, and survivors often live with its effects for years. The point of comparing it with theft is not to make it seem smaller, but to show that the logic of permission is not mysterious. Most people already apply it every day.
Analogies also cannot replace the law. Definitions of rape, sexual assault and the age of consent vary from country to country and between states. Anyone dealing with a real situation should look at the law where they live, or speak to a specialist support service or a lawyer.
Common myths about consent
- “They didn’t say no.” Consent is the presence of a yes, not the absence of a no.
- “They were flirting.” Flirting, kissing or going to someone’s home is not agreement to sex.
- “Asking ruins the mood.” A quick “is this okay?” or “do you want to keep going?” is part of normal intimacy, and many people find it reassuring.
- “False accusations are everywhere.” Most assaults are never reported to police at all, according to support organisations such as RAINN in the United States. Wrongful accusations do happen, but they are not the typical case.
- “Only strangers commit rape.” Many assaults are carried out by someone the victim knows, including partners and friends.
What to do if something happened to you
If you think you were assaulted, it was not your fault, whatever you drank, wore or said earlier. You can contact a sexual assault support line in your country, a trusted friend, or the police. If you were hurt or are worried about pregnancy or infection, talk to a doctor or a sexual health clinic as soon as you can; they can also explain options for collecting evidence if you might want to report later.
For everyone else, the practical takeaway from the viral image is short. Check in, listen, and stop when the answer is anything other than a willing yes. That is the whole idea, and it is simpler than the arguments around it often make it look.
Sources: Viral image via 9GAG and The Minds Journal; tweets reportedly by Nafisa Ahmed, as described by Mic (17 August 2016); Planned Parenthood: Sexual consent; Wikipedia: Tea and Consent.
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