Why Modern Dating Feels Exhausting: Mind Games and Mixed Signals

Originally published 2016-10-17.

Modern dating often feels exhausting because so much of it runs on unwritten rules: wait before replying, never text twice, call it "hanging out" instead of a date, and never admit you care more than the other person seems to. In a widely shared 2016 essay for Thought Catalog, writer Melissa Moeller, then 22 and newly single, described how draining those rules felt and argued for a simple alternative: tell people the truth.

Below is a summary of her argument, what research says about the habits she describes, and some practical ways to date more honestly without feeling exposed.

The essay in brief

Moeller's piece, published on 20 April 2016 under a deliberately dramatic headline, came from a specific place. She had recently left a relationship and, for the first time, was experiencing the single life that friends, television and the internet had complained about for years. Her verdict was blunt: she disliked the whole scene, from bar flirting to judging strangers in seconds on Tinder.

She offered three possible explanations for her frustration. Perhaps she overthought small events. Perhaps she was simply sensitive. Or perhaps the dating culture around her really was broken. She suspected all three were partly true, but chose to focus on the culture.

Her central complaint was ambiguity. When nobody asks anyone on a proper date, she wrote, every evening together becomes a puzzle to decode afterwards. Was it a date? Was it casual? What does the other person think? The obvious fix, asking, felt off-limits, because asking reveals interest, and revealing interest seemed to break the rules.

The unwritten rules she was tired of

Much of the essay is a catalogue of habits many single people will recognise:

• Not suggesting plans two nights in a row.
• Taking turns over who texts first.
• Never sending a second message before getting a reply.
• Waiting before answering a text, even with the phone in hand, to avoid looking too eager.
• Treating a relationship as casual by default, and avoiding any talk about where it is heading.
• Showing anger through a pointed social-media post rather than a conversation.

The result, in her view, was a culture where looking indifferent wins more attention than honesty does, and where people try to keep control of relationships nobody is allowed to define. She also noticed a double bind: a woman who openly shows interest risks being labelled needy or clingy, and one who reacts to being brushed off risks being called "crazy."

Her proposed solution was disarmingly plain. Respect people enough to be direct. If someone makes you happy or inspires you, say so. If you are not interested, say that too, instead of fading away. Her closing advice was to stop treating relationships as a challenge to win.

What research says about app dating

Moeller wrote as one young woman describing her own experience, and her frustrations are not universal. Still, survey data shows how common the setting she describes has become. A Pew Research Center survey of 4,860 U.S. adults, carried out in October 2019, found that three in ten Americans had used a dating site or app, rising to 48% of those aged 18 to 29.

Experiences were mixed. Just over half of users (57%) described their time on apps as at least somewhat positive, while about 42% called it at least somewhat negative. Among women aged 18 to 34 who used apps, 60% said someone had kept contacting them after they said they were not interested. So while plenty of people meet partners online, a large share also find the process stressful, which helps explain why essays like this one strike a nerve.

Ghosting and the anxiety of waiting

One habit Moeller asks people to drop is ignoring someone until they disappear. That behaviour now has a name: ghosting. The word spread in dating slang around 2015 and was added to the Collins English Dictionary that year. A 2014 YouGov poll of about 1,000 U.S. adults found that just over one in ten had ended a relationship this way.

Researchers have found that ghosting is more common in casual dating than in committed relationships, which fits the "just hanging out" world Moeller describes. Interestingly, a 2024 study by Park and Klein suggested that many people who ghost believe they are being kind by avoiding a painful conversation, while those on the receiving end tend to underestimate how much the other person cared. Other work on digital communication suggests that waiting for a reply becomes more stressful the longer the silence lasts. Both findings point to the same lesson: a short, honest message usually causes less pain than silence.

Common myths about dating "rules"

Myth: playing hard to get makes you more attractive. Appearing a little mysterious may spark curiosity early on, but long-term relationships depend on trust and responsiveness. People who never show interest often lose good matches simply because the other person assumes they are not keen.

Myth: asking "what are we?" will scare people off. A calm question can only scare away someone who was never going to want the same thing. Finding that out early saves time.

Myth: double-texting is desperate. A follow-up after a reasonable gap is ordinary communication. Repeated messages after someone has said no are a different matter, and should stop.

Myth: everyone else is fine with casual. Some people genuinely prefer casual dating. Others go along with it because they think it is expected. You will not know which you are dealing with unless someone says so.

How to date more honestly without feeling exposed

• Name the plan. "Would you like to go for dinner on Friday?" is clearer than "want to hang out sometime?"
• Say what you are looking for early. You do not need a speech on the first date, but a sentence about whether you want something serious helps both sides.
• Reply when you are ready, not on a timer. If you are enjoying a conversation, there is no need to invent a delay.
• End things kindly. A brief message such as "I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't feel a spark" is better than silence.
• Take breaks. If swiping leaves you anxious or drained, stepping away from the apps for a while is a perfectly reasonable choice.

Why the message still lands

Dating apps have changed a lot since 2016, and the slang keeps evolving, but the core of Moeller's essay has aged well. People still guess at each other's intentions, still hesitate to send the second message and still sometimes vanish instead of explaining. Her point was not that anyone should give up on romance. It was that honesty is a form of respect, both for the other person and for yourself, and that a relationship should never feel like a game you are afraid to lose.

Sources: Original essay by Melissa Moeller, Thought Catalog (20 April 2016); Pew Research Center: The Virtues and Downsides of Online Dating (2020); Wikipedia: Ghosting (behavior).