Why We Push People Away Before Giving Them a Chance

Why do we push people away before we have even given them a chance? Usually it is self-protection. Ending something early feels safer than risking rejection later. The most common reasons are fear of getting hurt, the belief that the timing is wrong, feeling not good enough for the other person, feeling a little too good for them, and seizing on one small flaw as an exit. Underneath most of them sits the same idea: if I leave first, I cannot be left.

App-based dating has made this pattern easier to act on. When there always seems to be another match a swipe away, cancelling a first date or letting a promising chat fade costs almost nothing in the moment. The cost shows up later, as a long run of beginnings that never become anything.

How modern dating makes early exits easy

Not long ago, the script was simple: meet someone, swap numbers, go on a date, then another, and see where it leads. Today the sequence is often messier. Numbers are exchanged and never used. Dates are planned and quietly cancelled. People match, chat for a week and disappear. Elite Daily writer Lauren Martin, whose essay inspired this piece, called it ending things “before it gets started”.

Part of the pull is the sense of endless options. Psychologist Barry Schwartz argued in The Paradox of Choice (2004) that a huge menu of options can leave people more anxious and less satisfied, especially “maximisers” who want the best possible choice rather than a good one. Research on choice overload is mixed, and later meta-analyses suggest the effect depends on circumstances. Still, a dating app is close to a worst case: complex choices, uncertain preferences and an endless scroll.

When you assume someone better is around the corner, a small doubt about the person in front of you is enough to walk away. And when everyone does the same, people become wary, guarded and quicker to leave first.

Reason 1: we are scared of being hurt

The simplest reason is fear. It feels easier to live with “I ended it” than with “they ended it”. Leaving first lets us keep the story under our control and avoid the sting of rejection.

Psychologists have a name for people who feel this especially strongly: rejection sensitivity. Geraldine Downey and Scott Feldman described it in 1996 as a tendency to anxiously expect, readily perceive and overreact to rejection. If you are highly sensitive to rejection, a slow text reply can feel like proof that it is already over.

The trouble is the arithmetic. If you stay, being hurt is only one possible outcome. If you push the person away, ending up alone is guaranteed. Fear makes the safe option look wise when it is often just the lonely one.

Reason 2: it never feels like the right time

“I need to sort out my career first.” “I’m not in a good place.” “Maybe after the move.” Sometimes these are honest and sensible. Someone in the middle of a crisis may genuinely need space. But often “bad timing” is a polite cover for fear.

There is rarely a moment when your finances, emotions and schedule all line up neatly. Connection tends to arrive when life is untidy. A useful question is not “Is this the perfect time?” but “Is there a real obstacle, or am I looking for a reason?”

Reasons 3 and 4: “too good for me” and “not good enough for me”

Feeling they are out of your league

Deciding someone is too attractive, successful or interesting for you is a way of rejecting yourself on their behalf. It hands all the power to the other person before they have said a word. Often it shows up as distance or awkward coolness that the other person reads as lack of interest, so the fear comes true.

Relationships work best between equals, not in the sense of identical looks or income, but in the sense that both people believe they deserve to be there.

Feeling they are not quite enough

The opposite move is just as common. Someone makes you happy, but you worry what friends will think of their job, their style or their age. So you keep things casual or secret and never let it become anything.

If a person treats you well and you enjoy their company, the opinions of acquaintances are a weak reason to walk away. Acting as if you are above someone tends to leave you alone rather than proud.

Reason 5: that one small thing you cannot get past

A laugh that is slightly too loud. A habit of saying “literally”. Shoes you would never wear. Small details can suddenly become deal-breakers, treated as seriously as real warning signs.

Sometimes a flaw is a genuine incompatibility, and it is fine to notice it. But when you find yourself searching for something, anything, to justify leaving, the flaw is probably not the real reason. Perfection does not exist, and holding out for it is another way of never starting.

It helps to separate real red flags, such as disrespect, dishonesty, controlling behaviour or cruelty, from minor quirks. The first group deserves attention. The second usually deserves patience.

Where the pattern comes from, and how to change it

Attachment research offers one explanation. Building on work by Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver in 1987, psychologists describe adult attachment styles. People with an avoidant style tend to value independence and pull back when things start to feel serious. People with a fearful-avoidant style want closeness but fear it, swinging between seeking connection and craving distance, and may stall at the early dating stage. These patterns often form early in life, but they are not fixed: a meaningful minority of people shift style over time.

If you recognise yourself, a few steps can help:

• Name the reason. Before cancelling or going quiet, ask which of the five reasons is really at work.
• Give it one more date. First impressions are unreliable, especially when you are nervous. Decide on a small, safe next step rather than a big commitment.
• Say what you feel. Telling someone “I’m a bit nervous about this” often builds trust instead of scaring them off.
• Notice your history. If you have been badly hurt before, it makes sense that you are cautious. Caution is fine; automatic retreat is the part to work on.
• Get support if it keeps happening. A counsellor or therapist can help you untangle patterns that seem to repeat in every relationship.

Giving someone a chance does not mean ignoring your instincts. It means letting the person in front of you, rather than your fears, decide how the story goes.

Sources: Based on themes from an essay by Lauren Martin for Elite Daily, shared via Idealist Revolution; Attachment in adults (Wikipedia); Rejection sensitivity (Wikipedia); The Paradox of Choice (Wikipedia).