Why do people who describe themselves as empaths so often end up with narcissistic partners? The short answer: one person tends to give attention, care and reassurance without limits, and the other person craves exactly that. The match feels intense at first, then becomes draining, because the giving only flows one way. Writer and meditation teacher Alex Myles described this pattern from personal experience in a 2015 essay for Elephant Journal, and many readers recognised themselves in it.
This piece retells her argument in plain terms and puts it next to what psychologists actually know. One caution first: “narcissist” is now used loosely for any difficult ex. Narcissistic personality disorder is a real and serious diagnosis, and it should not be pinned on someone just because a relationship ended badly.
The pattern Alex Myles describes
Myles writes that she only started calling herself an empath after a deeply damaging relationship with a narcissistic partner. When she began writing about it, other self-described empaths contacted her with remarkably similar stories, which led her to look for a common thread.
Her theory runs like this. Beneath the confident surface, a narcissist is often a wounded person, frequently from childhood, who feels worthless and is constantly hungry for validation. The empath senses that pain and wants to heal it. Without firm boundaries, the empath pours in more and more care. The other person absorbs it but gives little back, and uses the imbalance to stay in control.
Over time, she argues, the empath gets worn down. They begin begging for the approval they once received freely, blame themselves for the problems, and can even become self-absorbed in their own hurt. Every plea for reassurance confirms the narcissistic partner’s sense of power. Myles calls it a vicious circle, and her conclusion is blunt: you cannot fix another adult, and staying in the hope that they will change usually costs you more.
What “empath” and “narcissist” mean in psychology
“Empath” is a popular self-description, not a clinical term. The closest research concept is the highly sensitive person, introduced by psychologists Elaine and Arthur Aron in the 1990s. Their research suggests about 15 to 20 percent of people score high on what they call sensory processing sensitivity: they notice subtle details, feel emotions strongly and get overwhelmed more easily. The Arons describe it as a personality trait, not a disorder, with real strengths as well as costs.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a recognised diagnosis. According to the Cleveland Clinic, somewhere between 0.5 and 5 percent of people in the US may have it. A psychiatrist or psychologist diagnoses it when a person shows at least five of nine criteria, such as a grandiose sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, entitlement, exploiting others, lack of empathy and arrogance. Many people with NPD also have fragile self-esteem and react badly to criticism, which fits Myles’ idea of the wounded narcissist. There is no blood test or scan for it, and an online quiz cannot diagnose anyone.
Causes are not fully understood. Genetics, childhood trauma or neglect, overindulgent parenting and learned behaviour all appear to play a part.
Why the attraction is so strong
Several well-described mechanisms help explain why this pairing can feel magnetic at first and so hard to leave later:
- An early rush of attention. Many people with strong narcissistic traits are charming and intense early on. For someone who is used to giving more than they receive, that focus can feel like finally being seen.
- A rescuer role. Highly caring people often feel most useful when helping. A partner who seems hurt underneath invites that role, and the relationship becomes organised around fixing them.
- Intermittent reward. Psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter described how relationships that alternate cruelty with affection produce a powerful attachment known as a trauma bond. Because kindness arrives unpredictably, it becomes more precious, and the person on the receiving end keeps waiting for the good version to return.
- Self-blame. When one partner consistently shifts responsibility, the other gradually accepts the story that the problems are their fault, which makes leaving feel like failure.
Warning signs worth taking seriously
Labels matter less than how the relationship actually works. Some signs that the balance has gone badly wrong:
- You regularly apologise for things you did not do, just to end an argument.
- Your partner’s moods decide the atmosphere at home, and you spend energy predicting them.
- Criticism of you is constant, but any concern you raise is turned around on you.
- You feel more isolated from friends and family than before the relationship.
- You have started doubting your own memory or judgement.
- You feel afraid of your partner’s reaction, not just sad or frustrated.
The last one matters most. Fear, threats, control over money or movement, and any physical harm are signs of abuse, whatever diagnosis the other person may or may not have.
Common myths about empaths and narcissists
“Empaths are a special, superior kind of person.” Sensitivity is a trait with costs and benefits, and sensitive people can behave badly too. Treating it as a superpower can make it harder to notice your own part in a dynamic.
“Every selfish ex is a narcissist.” Narcissistic traits are common; the full disorder is not. Someone can be thoughtless or unkind without meeting any diagnostic criteria.
“Narcissists can never change.” Talk therapy such as cognitive behavioural therapy or dialectical behaviour therapy can help people with NPD, although many drop out of treatment. Change is possible, but it has to be their project, not yours.
“If I love them enough, they will heal.” This is the belief Myles warns against most strongly. Love does not replace professional help or the other person’s own willingness to change.
Getting out and getting stronger
Myles’ advice is to stop waiting for the other person to change and to treat the experience as a hard lesson rather than a life sentence. She suggests that learning how narcissistic behaviour looks makes it easier to spot the pattern early in future relationships.
A few practical steps help many people:
- Name what is happening in writing: specific events, dates and how you felt. It helps when your own memory is being questioned.
- Reconnect with people who knew you before the relationship.
- Practise small boundaries, such as ending a conversation that becomes insulting, and notice how the other person responds.
- Get professional support. A counsellor or therapist can help you understand your own patterns, including why giving came to feel safer than receiving.
- Plan for safety if needed. If you feel controlled or afraid, a domestic-abuse helpline can help you plan a safe exit, whatever label fits the other person.
Sensitivity is not the problem. Learning that care must flow both ways, and that you are allowed to protect yourself, is what turns a painful relationship into the lesson Myles describes.
Based on an essay by Alex Myles, first published by Elephant Journal (editor: Travis May). Photo: Victoria Soderstrom (used with permission).
(The Facebook video originally embedded here is no longer available.)
Sources: Alex Myles, Elephant Journal (27 June 2015); Cleveland Clinic: Narcissistic personality disorder; Wikipedia: Highly sensitive person; Wikipedia: Trauma bonding.
Related:
- Scientists Link Selfies To Narcissism, Addiction & Mental Illness
- Social Anxiety, Intelligence and Empathy: Why the Claims Need Care
- The Difference Between Sympathy And Empathy
- 15 Tips For Empaths And Highly Sensitive People
- 5 Interesting Things About Empaths
- Introversion and Social Expectations: Reflections to Discuss
- 5 Things Everyone Should Know About Introverts
- A Comic About Giving Introverts Room to Participate
I believe people can be the empath or the narcissist depending on which relationship speaking. For example, I have a friend who is in a horrific relationship with a horrific narcissist. Instead of leaving the relationship victimizes herself even though she is in the position to get out of it if indeed that's what she wants. The Narcissist has told her several times to leave. Mean while, the empath in my tries to heal her and explain to her that she's more valuable than she believes she is and ends up sucking the life out of me watching her self destruct. When I am blunt and explain it to her, she retorts with buzz off I will make my own decisions. Basically wants to sit on a pity pot because the selfishness in her to hold onto someone who does not want her is stronger than what's best for her or her children. Others are stuck viewing this from the side lines with someone who has an excuse for every solution.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe that someone is an 'empath' or a narcissist to everyone. It all depends on which relationship an individual is in to define that role.
A tend to agree esp when using the words for these categories in a casual way. This author I think is not professionally qualified to discuss the true clinical narcissist.
DeleteEmpaths need to be the helping professions where there are strong boundaries between the helper & the helpee. In your personal relationships, some need to not have a front row seat to your life & need to be loved & forgiven from a distance only. "Good fences make good neighbours" whereas "an eye for an eye, only makes the whole world blind" (Gandhi)
ReplyDeleteBest piece of work i read in a long time! Amazing
ReplyDeleteThank you for making sense of something that didn't make sense for a long time. I fully identify with this piece, it might as well be describing my last relationship (which i broke out of!! Woo!!) i would imagine a lot of people are feeling the relief i am having read this, thank you so much ❤❤❤ xx
ReplyDeleteI am an empath and have suffered through a relationship with a narcissist. you will not get any responses from narcissists as it is not in their nature to see that that is what they are.
ReplyDeleteI am an empath and have suffered through a relationship with a narcissist. you will not get any responses from narcissists as it is not in their nature to see that that is what they are.
ReplyDeleteExcelent article. I really do think young people should be taught more about how to recognize personallity types and to avoid be drawn into such a relationship. The books by Carol S: Pearson are very helpful
ReplyDeleteall people young and old should learn to become whole well rounded individuals. To constantly learn and improve all throughout their lives. no one should stick to their natural, habitual personality. In any personality, there are strengths and weaknesses, good and bad. one should aim to obtain all the strengths of all the types of personalities.
DeleteAs a empath, i tried all above in the article and have failed miserably, no matter what you do, no matter how well you do for your partner, it is never enough! i am a positive individual but after my experience i feel lost, weak, confused, un-able to understand..... after doing some soul searching and i came across this article and now i feel in control.
ReplyDeletePeople who are narcissist and leech off of other's need help, there's no other alternatives. we all have issues but you cannot go around damaging everything you touch, by the end, you will be all alone and lonely, exactly what you are afraid of. an empath will carry on but will carry the scars.
Yes i agreed, they need help, but i think people often forget to help themselves, we all have the ability to heal ourselves. It is not easy, and it will take time and maybe tears. We just have to believe. People should not underestimate themselves, there are allready enough of things and people in this society, who does that for us. We are what we are, and i think, it is our lesson to learn from our experiences. Maybe we people have to be more alone sometimes.. Turn off all electronics, sit quite for yourself, be you, no enterferrings. i am guilty of not doing that enough, but i like to take long walks without music. It has helped my mind alot. Remember when scars heals, the skin becomes thicker and stronger. Time is your friend :)
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ReplyDeleteHas anyone ever thought of the empathic narcissist or the narcissistic empath? These are real. Not so black and white. Roles flip and people play out many things in relationships. I find it better to take responsibility for oneself and leave labeling on the side.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I really feel like these roles can shift over time, in a day, or in the middle of a conversation. I feel like my last relationship was two hurt empaths avoiding the habit of narcissism and never really doing anything but a spiral of enabling eachother into empathetic depression. We were both narcissists in our own ways too, but were too forgiving of eachother's coping mechanisms.
DeleteThis was an interesting read from the other perspective. I'm a narcissist, and have been in therapy for a little over a year now for help with controlling my negative impulses, irrational or overblown anger, and despair. I gained the strength (yes, I say strength!) to end a going-nowhere relationship with someone who is a good person. She doesn't understand, but that's alright. Instead of finding my "meaning" from her or others, I have only to know that our relationship was hurting us both, and have that discipline to end it. I won't say people like me don't hurt other folks, because of course we do. I would beg a little more empathy, though - it's hard. harder than you'd believe, to start chipping awayat that nasty little feedback loop that leads to and facilitates people like me. Cheers.
ReplyDeleteRespected Chris, I salute your open mindedness.
Deletevery few people with narcissistic personality take on teh courage to understand their maladaptive patterns and heal themselves into a healthy personality. I am trying to convince one person in my family who is very good otherwise, but has taken narcissitic traits to deal with his insecurities...i have tried repeatedly..but all attempts failed. So i respect your willingness to grow all the more
And definately i empathise with your situation. I fully understand that , a person with narcissistic personality does not intentionally harm anyone. he actually believes he is behaving in a rational way. His emotional hurts & insecurities are unintentionally making him behave that way, in most cases. They are very genuine people otherwise. i understand that. YOu have shown the maturity to acknowledge the wrong direction your unconscious mind was leading you into..and that is damm cool.... i pray to God that you are able to soon heal you old wounds. and i am sure, because of your efforts, you will soon have a more positive & empowering personality than most people you know of. :-)
Wow Chris, wow dharav,
ReplyDeleteMe too have stopt a recent close friendschip, ...well it started close. Something that made me understand the mechanism is the enneagram. Dharav, if i read your writing i believe you know about it. The narcissist is a typical type 8 that enters the negativity of type 5. Type 5 is a rational type.
The problem with narcissist is they think they are empathic. But if they were how come they hurt people by crossing their line. In Dutch we say: they go over dead bodies. They don't care what their doings make you feel like. They think that they don't have to feel sorry about anything they do or say.
What i don't understand is why they keep thinking it's the other's fault if everyone around them abandons them, and then they make you feel bad that they haven't done anything wrong, even if you show them the facts, they don't get it.
But it's true, at first she was a very genuine person. She helped other people. But then she starts hurting them, as if she doesn't care what kind of attention she gets. It's a nasty personality type, that's for sure.
The enneagram is definetely something to learn about.
I completely understand this... I've LIVED it...
ReplyDeletevery interesting and eye-opening, thank you (-: I lived with a narcissist three years ago, he was a piece of shit that didn't do shit for the house so i was cleaning and taking care of the cats. then i moved to florida, eventually in with another narcissist, worse than the first one, took me 9 months to figure him out n get away from him, now i'm back with the first narcissist, trying to get my own place. your article is very insightful, thank you again for writing!
ReplyDeleteAlex,
ReplyDeleteI have been searching for an article, advice, blog, column, anything with as much substance and guidance as yours. It feels like you were speaking about my past year long relationship, which just ended about 2 months ago (thankfully). I became the girlfriend trying to "fix" my narcissistic boyfriend for a soul-sucking year. My family, friends, co-workers even noticed and everyone had an opinion about this man. He was charming, loving, sweet when he wanted but when it came down to emotions he was blank, gone, distant, alone.
I just want to say Thank You. This article fully validated my feelings about someone that is just stuck, and will never change.
I am an empath, and I am suffering a lot in the relationship I am, that for a while I tried to find a way to get out, but I always stay. That's what I don't understand, why I am still with him when almost everything he does hurts me . I realised a long time ago that this relationship is not good for me, that I deserve more and still ,here I am preoccupied for him, trying to do all my best to make him better, and during time, I started to think that all the good inside me it's gone, that all my efforts for making him be better took all my strength and I feel like I can't raise again, that I am an awful person, full of anxiety, depression and maybe addiction to him. I tried so many time to end it and I couldn't, because every time I put his needs before mine's and I really feel that I am stronger than him and I can endure more,but also sometimes I say all my love and care he doesn't deserve and I should just walk away and heal myself. Strangely, I feel sorry for him, maybe I feel more sorry for him than for me, if I am keep trying to do my best to please him and help him. I know one day will end, I know I am not happy and I will not ever be able to, I cry a lot, I feel like I have no air, I feel down, some days I even hate myself, but I don't blame him for everything, he is like this and I choose to stay, I choose to be sad, I choose him and not me, so, it's my fault too. As long as I am accepting all he does I have to deal with my choice of staying and letting him hurt me,because I chose to let this happen. So, we can't blame just them, blame yourself for choosing to stay!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this article...it does really help a lot with understanding, accepting and fully moving on...talking from my own recent relationship experience...doing much better now....staying away and very strong to let anyone to destroy my empathy and positivity. It's hard to understand for empath how these people can do, say such things like nothing is happening and continue living and moving into other people lives just to destroy them too...all for selfish needs.
ReplyDeleteI feel that if an empath stops being overtly nice and instead of taking in the negativity, only focuses on the positivity things would change for better.
ReplyDeletejust the article that i need, i just ended a 2-year relationship with a very charming narcissistic person.. you put all my confusions into black and white and finally understand that even how much loving i'll give him it will still not enough and will never ever be enough for him, he will always have needs that i will fall short of giving him.. i was such a positive happy person when we met and after all the drills, emotional and verbal pain i barely had the courage to get out.. all the confusion, depression, the roller-coaster of emotions that i had to go through, i finally decided to walk away.. and just in time i read this, to validate everything that i'm having a hard time to accept.. that walking away is the best choice.. to save me.. i have no energy to help him heal.. i need to heal myself first..
ReplyDelete