Originally published 2015-07-08.
Most of what a mother does in a child's first years happens before the child can remember it. The night feeds, the worry over a fever, the meals skipped so someone smaller could eat: by the time children are old enough to notice, the hardest part is already over. That gap is the subject of a short, much-shared essay by Natasha Craig, a blogger who wrote it as a new mother and published it on HuffPost under the title "10 Things Your Mom Never Told You."
Craig opens with the moment she saw a positive pregnancy test: a racing heart, a mix of fear and delight, and the realisation that years of hoping had suddenly become real. Only after her own child arrived, she writes, did she understand what her mother had quietly gone through. Her ten reflections are below in our own summary, followed by what research says about the early months of parenthood and a few practical ways to say thank you.
The ten things, in brief
If you only want the list, here it is. According to Craig, your mother probably cried far more than you knew; gave you the last slice so you would be full; was physically hurt by pregnancy, birth and babyhood; lived with constant low-level fear for your safety; judged herself harshly for her mistakes; watched you sleep; carried you long after birth; was crushed by your tears; put your needs ahead of her own; and would choose to do it all again.
Tears, appetite and physical cost
1. She cried more than you saw
Craig lists the tears that come with early motherhood: at the news of a pregnancy, during labour, on first holding a newborn, from relief, from joy and from worry. Those swings are common and well documented. Health services describe the "baby blues" as brief tearfulness and mood changes that affect up to around 80 percent of new mothers in the days after delivery and usually fade within two weeks.
2. She let you have the last piece
The second point is a small domestic scene: a mother who wanted the final slice of pie, saw a toddler eyeing it, and handed it over. Her pleasure came from watching her child eat rather than eating herself. It stands for thousands of similar choices that a child never registers.
3. It hurt, often
Craig is frank about the physical side of mothering. Babies pull hair, scratch with tiny nails that are hard to trim, bite during breastfeeding and kick ribs from inside the womb. Birth itself is painful, and pregnancy can leave lasting changes; separation of the abdominal muscles, for example, is common after childbirth and can persist for years in some women.
Fear, guilt and the long nights
4. She was afraid all the time
From conception onward, Craig writes, a mother becomes a guardian. She may hesitate when a neighbour's child asks to hold the baby, hold her breath at the first wobbly steps, lie awake until a teenager is home and rise early for the school run. Every fall and every feverish night pulls her close.
5. She knows she was not perfect
Many mothers carry a private list of things they wish they had done differently. Craig asks readers to be gentle, since most parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time. That is worth remembering in both directions: adult children can recognise effort without pretending every decision was right.
6. She watched you sleep
Craig describes rocking a baby at three in the morning, begging for sleep, and then forgetting her exhaustion for a moment while gazing at the sleeping face. Many parents will recognise both halves of that night: the desperation and the sudden wave of tenderness.
Carrying, comforting and putting you first
7. She carried you long after birth
Babies want to be held, and many mothers learn to cook, eat and even nap with a child in their arms. Craig notes the aching arms and sore back that came with it, and the reason she kept going: the baby felt secure there.
8. Your crying broke her heart
Few sounds are as hard for a parent to hear as an inconsolable baby. Prolonged crying is common in the early weeks; colic, defined as crying for more than three hours a day on at least three days a week, affects roughly one in ten to four in ten infants, typically peaks around six weeks and usually eases by three or four months. Persistent crying is linked to parental stress and exhaustion, which is why paediatricians focus as much on supporting parents as on soothing babies.
9. You came first
Craig recalls going without meals, showers and sleep, spending each day meeting a child's needs, and starting again the next morning with nothing left over for herself. That pattern is so ordinary that it often goes unspoken.
10. She would do it again
Craig closes by calling motherhood one of the most demanding jobs there is, full of failure and learning, but also of more joy than she expected. Her final request is simple: thank your mother, and tell her you love her.
What research adds to the picture
The essay is personal, not scientific, but several of its themes match what researchers and clinicians see. The transition into motherhood, sometimes called matrescence, involves big changes in body, identity, relationships and sleep. Postpartum depression affects roughly 10 to 20 percent of women after birth, and fathers can develop it too, with estimates often around 8 to 10 percent. Symptoms that last longer than two weeks, or any thoughts of self-harm, are a reason to talk to a doctor promptly.
It also helps to read the essay as one mother's experience rather than a script for every family. Some mothers adapt easily, some struggle, and some children were raised by fathers, grandparents or adoptive parents who made the same sacrifices. Not every childhood was safe, either, and gratitude should never be demanded of someone who was harmed. For many people, though, the list names labour that went unseen.
Simple ways to say thank you
If the essay makes you think of your own mother, the most effective response is usually the plainest. Ask her what your first year was really like and listen without correcting her. Name one specific thing you now understand she did for you. Offer practical help if she is older or unwell, in the way she once helped you. And if you are a new parent yourself, accept help when it is offered; the sacrifices in this list are easier when they are shared.
Sources: Original essay by Natasha Craig, HuffPost, first shared on her blog Confessions of a Teenage Bride; Wikipedia, Postpartum depression; Wikipedia, Baby colic; Wikipedia, Diastasis recti; Wikipedia, Matrescence.
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