Do People Who Chose Not to Have Children Regret It?

Originally published 2019-09-04.

Most people who deliberately chose not to have children say they do not regret it, even decades later. That was the clear pattern when a Reddit user asked older couples without kids how they feel now, and it broadly matches what researchers find: the people who struggle most are usually those who wanted children and could not have them, not those who decided against parenthood.

Still, the honest answers were not all one-note. Several people described quiet holidays, worries about old age or a moment of sadness about the family line ending. Below is a look at what those older childfree adults said, what the numbers and research show, and some useful questions for anyone weighing the decision themselves.

The question that started the conversation

In 2019 a Redditor who was about to get married, throwawaygeneral8899, put a simple question to the AskReddit community: how do couples who decided not to have children feel about that choice now that years have gone by? Hundreds of replies followed, many from people in their forties, fifties and sixties who had been married for twenty years or more. The thread was later collected by Bored Panda, which is how many readers first came across it.

Online comments are not a scientific sample. People who are content are often more willing to post, and anyone with a painful story may stay silent. But the replies are useful because they are specific. They show the reasons people give, the trade-offs they notice and the moments when doubt creeps in.

How common is a childfree life?

Being without children is far more common than it used to be. Census Bureau figures reported by Time showed that in 2014, 47.6% of American women aged 15 to 44 had never had a child, the highest share since the bureau began tracking it. Many of those women were simply young and would become mothers later, so the figure says more about delayed parenthood than about lifelong choices.

A better measure is how many women reach their early forties without children. Pew Research Center analyses have put that share in the United States somewhere between about 15% and 20% over recent decades, high by international standards. Pew’s 2021 survey also found that a growing number of adults under 50 without children say they are unlikely ever to have them, with “just don’t want to” the most common reason.

Statistics rarely separate people who chose not to have children from those who could not. That distinction matters a great deal, because the experience of a deliberate decision is very different from the grief of infertility or loss.

What older childfree adults said

Read together, the replies fall into a few clear themes.

A calm home and a strong partnership

MoiraCousland, in her fifties and married for 19 years, explained that she and her husband both grew up with abusive fathers and in poverty. After working hard to heal and build stable lives, they decided the two of them were already a family. A peaceful home was what they valued most, and she said she would choose it again without hesitation.

Others echoed the point that a marriage can be the centre of a full life. One husband, Intersectaquirer, admitted he had pictured fatherhood through rose-tinted glasses, but because pregnancy would be his wife’s body and sacrifice, he would not push. Their rule is that neither of them makes a major decision unless both fully agree.

Freedom, time and money

Travel, savings and flexibility came up again and again. dalek_999, married for 22 years, was writing from the middle of a seven-week road trip and described fulfilling work, time for hobbies and two cats and a dog that already felt like plenty of responsibility. dwsinpdx, together with his husband for 26 years, said they were able to retire at 54. henrythethirteenth mentioned spending spare income on causes she cares about.

The most quoted line was a joke from toppup: “Every kid I don’t have is like $186,000 I don’t need to make.” The real number is higher. The US Department of Agriculture’s last official estimate, published in 2017, put the cost of raising a child born in 2015 to age 17 at about $233,610 for a middle-income couple, before college.

Children in their lives anyway

Very few of these adults live without children around them. piskie described a happy afternoon picking blackberries with her 16-year-old niece and finding a tiny freshwater clam in a woodland pool, which they named Fred. LRWR, a teacher close to 60, has spent a career with young people and simply never wanted more of them at home in the evening. Many others mentioned being the aunt or uncle who spoils the kids and then hands them back.

Knowing themselves

A frequent reason was self-knowledge. pterelas pointed out that children raised by ambivalent parents often carry the damage, so if you are unsure, waiting is wise. RaspyToZen, 60 and married 29 years, felt he lacked the temperament for parenting. MoonieNine, 49, never felt a pull toward motherhood, and flicticious said that, having never wanted children, she does not feel she missed anything. Metatron_Fallen, single after two marriages, believes he would not have been a good father. IHeartGeorgeConway, 37, credited the choice with making room for the achievements she is proudest of, and Saganic, 41, said he is happy but tired of hearing that he just has not met the right woman yet.

The mixed feelings people also shared

The more thoughtful replies admitted some ache alongside the contentment. LRWR said that she and her husband miss having grandchildren to take places, that Christmas is quiet and that big family barbecues do not happen. She also made a fair point: adult children are no guarantee of care in old age.

MrsPottyMouth, in her mid-forties, described a decision shaped by many factors at once: her husband’s health problems and disability, her own fertility issues, an abusive upbringing she did not want to repeat, and the realisation that she does not especially enjoy children. She sometimes fears loneliness later on, but does not think possible future regret is a good reason to become a parent.

modernchic1977 and her husband tried for a decade, then talked honestly and realised they did not want children after all. What they felt was relief, with one small sadness: they are the end of their family lines. calcuttacodeinecoma, 36, said he goes through phases of regret and feels a primal pull, even though the practical case still points the other way.

Two replies were harder to read. shapeofthings wanted children, did not find the right partner until later, and then lost a pregnancy to Dandy-Walker syndrome, a rare brain malformation. He is deeply sad not to be a parent, yet glad he did not have children with earlier partners. And another commenter remembered sitting with a dying man in hospice, a long-married former teacher surrounded by cards from students, who said: “Oh God, I wish I’d had a child.” It is a reminder that regret is real for some people, even if it is not the norm.

What research says about choosing not to have children

Sociologist Amy Blackstone and co-author Mahala Stewart of the University of Maine interviewed 31 childfree adults, 21 women and 10 men, for 60 to 90 minutes each. Their small qualitative study, published in 2016, found that the decision was rarely impulsive. Most people described a long, deliberate process that they revisited over the years and discussed with partners, which undercuts the stereotype that childfree people are careless or selfish. Blackstone has since interviewed dozens more people and written a book on the subject.

Studies of older adults point in a similar direction. Childlessness on its own is generally not a strong predictor of loneliness or low life satisfaction in later life. What matters more is whether being childless was a choice, along with health, money, a partner and a good network of friends and relatives. People who wanted children but could not have them tend to report more distress, especially in the years soon after that hope ends.

The replies in the thread fit this picture. The people who sounded most at peace had made an active choice, often together with a partner. The ones who sounded sad were mainly those whose plans were overtaken by circumstances.

Common myths about childfree adults

• “They will change their minds.” Some people do, but many hold the same view for decades, as most of the commenters here did.
• “They must dislike children.” Several were devoted aunts, uncles and teachers. Not wanting to raise a child is different from not liking children.
• “They will be alone in old age.” Having children does not guarantee care later, and childfree adults often invest heavily in friends, partners and extended family.
• “It is a selfish choice.” Many people described it as the responsible choice, made because they knew they could not give a child what it needs.

Questions worth asking if you are deciding

No thread or study can decide this for you, but the people who felt settled had usually thought through a few things:

• When you imagine life at 70, which picture feels like yours, and which feels like someone else’s expectation?
• Are you and your partner both fully on board? The happiest couples in the thread treated this as a joint decision with a veto on either side.
• Is any part of your hesitation about money, health or an unresolved past that might change with support or time?
• What kind of relationships with younger people, friends and family would you want to build either way?

If fertility, health or emotional history are part of the picture, talking with a doctor or a counsellor can help separate what is a firm wish from what is fear. Either path can lead to a good life. What seems to protect people from regret is choosing with honesty, rather than drifting into a decision because others expect it.

Sources: AskReddit thread by throwawaygeneral8899; Bored Panda; Time on 2014 Census figures; Pew Research Center; University of Maine on Blackstone and Stewart’s research.