Mary Crumpton, a woman from Chorlton in Manchester, made headlines in 2018 when she told Metro about her family life: she had a husband, a fiancé and two boyfriends, all of whom knew about one another. She had grown up expecting a conventional, one-partner marriage and only began exploring polyamory, openly loving more than one person at a time, at the age of 29.
Her account is one person's experience, not a template. But it raises questions many readers have about polyamory: what it actually is, how it differs from cheating or polygamy, and what makes it work or fail for the people involved.
Who Mary Crumpton is and how her arrangement works
When she spoke to Metro in April 2018, Mary was married to Tim, then 43, with whom she shared an interest in environmentalism, electric cars and a vegan lifestyle. She was also engaged to John, and the two of them planned a commitment ceremony at Chorlton Unitarian Church; with John she enjoyed science fiction and churchgoing. On top of that she was dating two other men, Michael, 63, and James, 73. She lived with two of her partners.
A UK commitment ceremony of this kind is a personal and religious celebration rather than a second legal marriage. British law, like the law in most Western countries, recognises only one spouse at a time.
Mary explained that one of the things she valued most was that no single person had to meet all her needs. Different partners shared different parts of her life.
From a traditional upbringing to polyamory
Mary described her upbringing as fairly traditional. She had boyfriends one at a time, married in her twenties and moved to Chorlton expecting to stay with her husband for life. The idea of more than one partner simply was not on her radar.
She did sometimes develop feelings for other people during that marriage. At the time she interpreted those feelings as proof that something was wrong with her love for her husband, and she felt guilty about them. When the marriage ended, she began another monogamous relationship.
The turning point came in a pub. She met someone who openly had more than one partner, which was the first time she had heard of polyamory at all. In her words, it was only then that she realised:
"loving more than one person might not make me a terrible human being"
She was shocked and curious in equal measure. Her partner at the time turned out to be curious too, but they did not change anything straight away.
The first open relationship
A few years later, Mary suggested to that partner that they try an open relationship. He agreed, and each of them began seeing someone else. For Mary, the new relationship grew out of an existing close friendship; the same happened for him with one of his own friends.
She described the change as a revelation. She came to feel that she had probably always been "wired" for loving more than one person and could no longer imagine living any other way. That first relationship eventually ended, but the way of life stayed with her.
What polyamory means, and what it is not
Polyamory is the practice of having committed romantic or sexual relationships with more than one partner at a time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It falls under the wider umbrella of consensual or ethical non-monogamy.
Three distinctions help:
- Polyamory is not cheating. Cheating breaks an agreement and depends on secrecy. In polyamory, fidelity is usually defined as keeping the agreements partners have made together, not as sexual exclusivity.
- Polyamory is not polygamy. Polygamy means being legally married to more than one person, which is a legal and often religious institution. Many historical polygamous systems did not meet modern standards of consent, especially for women.
- Polyamory is not one fixed model. Some people have a main partner and other relationships; some live as a group; some keep each relationship separate. When a closed group keeps intimacy within its own members, the term often used is polyfidelity.
Where the word comes from
Multiple-partner relationships are ancient, but the word "polyamory" is recent. The form "poly-amorous" appeared in 1990 in an article by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart in Green Egg magazine. In 1992 Jennifer Wesp proposed the Usenet group alt.polyamory, which the Oxford English Dictionary cites as the first verified use of the noun. The dictionary added polyamory, polyamorous and polyamorist in 2006.
Communication, jealousy and what research says
Mary said polyamory pushed her to communicate far better than she had in earlier relationships, and to be honest about her needs and feelings in a way she had previously lacked the courage for. She was careful not to claim it is superior to monogamy:
"I am not suggesting polyamory is in any way better, just different."
That matches much of what is written about the practice. Common principles include honesty, negotiated rules and ongoing conversation. Jealousy is usually treated as something to explore and work through rather than something to avoid at all costs. Some polyamorous people describe "compersion", a sense of happiness when a partner is happy with someone else, often presented as the flip side of jealousy.
How common is it? A 2021 study of 3,438 adults by Amy Moors, Amanda Gesselman and Justin Garcia found that about 10.7% had been in a polyamorous relationship at some point, and 16.8% said they would like to try one. Research on wellbeing is still limited, though. Samples tend to be small and self-selected, and people who are open about polyamory may differ from those who are not. Practical challenges that come up repeatedly include time management, the emotional strain of complicated rules, and the risk that the most articulate partner dominates discussions.
Legal recognition and social stigma
In most countries, including the UK, only one legal spouse is allowed. A few places have started to recognise wider family forms. In June 2020, Somerville, Massachusetts, became the first American city to recognise polyamorous domestic partnerships, partly so that partners could share health insurance during the COVID-19 pandemic. Cambridge and Arlington in Massachusetts followed in 2021, and a Canadian court in 2018 recognised three legal parents of one child.
Stigma remains real. People who are open about polyamory can face disapproval from religious communities and family, problems at work, and complications in areas such as housing and child custody. That is one reason many people in such relationships stay private.
Takeaways from Mary's story
Whatever you think of her choices, a few points stand out:
- Consent is the line. The difference between polyamory and betrayal is that everyone knows and agrees.
- Guilt can come from unspoken scripts. Mary spent years assuming that feelings for another person meant she loved her husband less. Naming those feelings, whatever you then decide to do, can be healthier than hiding them.
- Honest communication helps any relationship. The skills she credits polyamory with teaching her, saying what you need and listening without panic, are just as valuable for monogamous couples.
- One story is a snapshot. Her account describes her life in 2018. Relationships change, and her experience does not represent every polyamorous household.
Photos in this article show Mary Crumpton and some of her partners. They come from her television and media appearances and from social media posts shared at the time of her interview.
Sources: Metro (original interview, April 2018), Wikipedia: Polyamory.
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