Michelle Obama's memoir Becoming is not a self-help book, but readers keep pulling life rules out of it. Seven come up again and again: treat failure as a lesson, see hardship as a strength, know your worth, make room for yourself, set goals and notice your progress, plan ahead, and keep laughing when times are hard. Each one comes from a specific moment in her life, from a South Side Chicago childhood to eight years in the White House.
Below, each lesson is paired with the story behind it and a simple way to try it yourself. First, a quick look at the book.
About the book
Becoming was published on 13 November 2018 by Crown in North America and Viking in Commonwealth countries. It runs to 24 chapters in three parts: "Becoming Me" (her childhood and education at Princeton and Harvard Law School), "Becoming Us" (meeting Barack Obama at the Sidley Austin law firm, marriage, motherhood and his early political career) and "Becoming More" (the White House years).
It became the best-selling book in the United States in 2018. By late March 2019 it had sold around 10 million copies, and by November 2020 some 14 million worldwide. The audiobook, read by Obama herself, won the 2020 Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album, and a Netflix documentary about her book tour followed in May 2020.
1. Treat failure as part of learning
In 2016, speaking at an event about girls' access to education, Obama told young women that everyone fails, and that what matters is the next step: whether you give up or let the setback make you stronger.
In the book she makes a sharper point. Fear of failure often arrives long before any real failure does. "Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result," she writes. Self-doubt grows, other people's doubts feed it, and we can talk ourselves out of trying.
Try it: when you feel that dread, ask whether you have actually failed, or whether you are only afraid you might. Then name one thing you would learn even if it went badly.
2. See your challenges as a source of strength
Obama has often talked about being an outsider. She was a working-class Black student at a mostly white, wealthy university, and later often the only woman or the only African American in the room. In the book she recalls a counsellor at Whitney M. Young High School in Chicago doubting that she was suited to Princeton, without really knowing her. She applied anyway and was admitted.
In speeches to students she has turned this into advice: the experience of facing and getting through adversity is not a handicap to hide, it is a real advantage. People who have had to work around obstacles tend to be resourceful and resilient.
Try it: write down one difficulty you have lived through and the skill it forced you to build. That skill belongs on your CV and in your self-image.
3. Know your worth and stop apologising for who you are
Few people have been judged as publicly as a First Lady. Obama writes that she was called the most powerful woman in the world and, at the same time, caricatured as an "angry black woman"; a member of Congress even mocked her body. She admits it hurt and made her furious, but says she mostly tried to laugh it off.
Her advice for handling harsh comments, given in interviews, is to remember that such remarks often say more about the person making them than about you. That shift helps you separate fair criticism, which is worth hearing, from contempt, which is not.
Try it: next time a comment stings, ask two questions. Is there anything useful in it? If not, whose problem is it really?
4. Put yourself on your own list
Women in particular are often raised to put everyone else first: parents, partners, children. Obama describes a period in her marriage when she was so focused on Barack's schedule, and so annoyed that he found time to exercise while she did not, that she had stopped looking after her own happiness. Waiting for him to come home for dinner spoiled the evenings for everyone.
The turning point was realising that she was in charge of her own wellbeing. She set a fixed evening routine for herself and their daughters and stopped holding it for him. "We didn't wait for Dad. It was his job now to catch up with us," she writes. She wanted the girls to grow up knowing that life does not begin when the man of the house walks in.
Try it: pick one thing that recharges you, such as exercise, a hobby or an early night, and put it in your calendar as if it were a meeting you cannot miss.
5. Set goals and count your wins
Throughout Becoming, Obama describes herself as a determined goal-setter, from her school years to the plans she and Barack made as his second term ended. She admits that part of the drive came from a nagging question about whether she was good enough. At university, she says, she kept a constant mental to-do list, checked off her achievements and tackled every challenge head on.
The useful part for most of us is the second half: counting the wins. Noticing progress, not just the gap to the next target, keeps motivation alive and quiets the voice asking whether you are good enough.
Try it: at the end of each week, write down three things you finished or improved, however small.
6. Plan ahead and take charge of your life
Obama learned planning at home. Her father, Fraser Robinson, had multiple sclerosis, and the family lived on a modest income on Chicago's South Side. She writes that her parents believed in forethought: they ran fire drills at home and arrived early everywhere. In a family where one missed paycheque could mean real hardship, being prepared was a form of protection.
Planning is not about controlling everything. It is about reducing the number of things that can knock you off course, so you have energy left for the surprises you cannot avoid.
Try it: list the two or three things that would hurt most if they went wrong this month, such as a bill, a deadline or a health check, and plan for them first.
7. Make room for fun, especially in hard times
The Obamas arrived in the White House during the financial crisis, and the President's advisers were wary of any image that looked frivolous. Obama writes that this did not always sit well with her. She describes hosting a Halloween party at the White House for local children and military families, dressed in a leopard costume, despite worries that it might look too lavish.
Her view was that laughter is not a luxury in difficult times; for children especially, it is part of coping. Lightness also helps adults keep going and makes it easier to support the people around them.
Try it: when life is heavy, schedule something light on purpose: a silly film night, a walk with a friend who makes you laugh, a small celebration of something that went right.
None of these rules is complicated, which is the point. What makes Becoming persuasive is that each lesson grew out of real setbacks, and that its author admits how often she struggled to follow her own advice.
Sources: Wikipedia: Becoming (book); Michelle Obama, Becoming (Crown, 2018). Based in part on an earlier summary by Bright Side. Photos: AP, AFP, Reuters, CNP/SIPA via East News, as credited.
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