Erin Anderson and Jared Norris: A Kentucky Couple's Love Story

First published May 7, 2018.

Erin Anderson and Jared Norris are a couple from Owensboro, Kentucky, whose story drew wide attention in 2018. Erin, then 22, had sent Jared a friendly message on Facebook years earlier, before she came out as a transgender woman, and he showed no interest. Around two years later, after Erin had begun her transition, Jared liked one of her photos on Instagram. She messaged him again, they met, and within a week they were a couple.

Their account, shared with media in the spring of 2018, is a simple love story on the surface. Underneath it are themes many trans people and their partners recognise: the long road to understanding yourself, fear of rejection by family, and the hostility that can follow a couple who refuse to hide.

How Erin and Jared met

Erin knew of Jared locally and thought he was attractive, so she added him on Facebook and said hello. He was not interested, and she let it go. By her account, she did not try again for about two years.

In that time a great deal changed. Erin came out as trans and had been living as a woman for some months when she noticed Jared had liked one of her Instagram pictures. This time she was direct and sent him her phone number. She has said he replied within minutes. They spent her birthday together the next day, and a week later they made the relationship official on Facebook.

Both have described how easily they got on. Jared, then 28 and studying computer science, said they found a lot in common after only a few days of talking. He told Erin he loved her one evening while they were watching television, and said he wanted to be open about the relationship despite the critics. The pair still laugh, Erin has said, about the fact that she wanted him two years before he noticed her.

Erin's path to transition

Erin has said she was bullied at school by boys who mocked her for seeming too feminine. She began seriously questioning her gender at about 18. At first she felt lost: she did not know where to start and worried she had left it too late. A friend's reminder that life is short, and that she deserved to be happy, helped her take the first step.

Erin shared photos from before and after her transition, including a school formal portrait in a grey suit and a casual car selfie, alongside more recent pictures. By 2018 she had been on hormone therapy for around two years, had undergone surgery, and said she hoped to have further surgery in future. At the time she was studying graphic design.

Her worry about being "too old" is common. Many people only find the words, information or support to explore their gender identity as young adults, and some much later. Gender transition is personal and can involve social steps (name, pronouns, clothing), legal steps such as updating documents, and for some people medical care. There is no single correct route, and decisions about medical treatment are best made with qualified doctors.

The hardest part: being someone's secret

Before Jared, Erin dated other men, but nothing lasted. She has said several told her they liked her yet could not risk their families finding out she was trans. That, she said, hurt more than anything.

Jared took a different approach. He told his family about Erin's history from the start and, in her words, does not care what other people think. For Erin, that openness was the difference between a relationship and a hidden arrangement.

This is a pattern researchers and support groups describe often. Partners of trans people can face questions about their own sexuality and reputation, and some respond by keeping the relationship private. For the trans partner, being hidden can feel like a quiet form of rejection, even when the affection is real.

Abuse aimed at the couple

Going public came at a cost. After their story spread, the couple said they received hateful messages and even death threats. Much of the hostility appeared online, from strangers who had never met them.

The photos above show the two of them at home and in everyday snapshots: posing together in a living room, Erin dressed for a night out, and a mirror selfie of the couple. They are ordinary pictures, which is part of the point. Nothing about their daily life is unusual except the attention it attracted.

Their experience fits wider data. A study by the Williams Institute at UCLA, based on US crime survey data for 2017 and 2018, found transgender people were victims of violent crime at a rate of about 86 per 1,000 people, roughly four times the rate for cisgender people. Online abuse is harder to measure, but threats of the kind Erin and Jared described are widely reported by trans people who speak publicly.

Kentucky offered limited legal protection at the time. The state did not have statewide laws banning discrimination based on gender identity in employment, housing or public services, though some cities, including Louisville and Lexington, had local ordinances.

Common myths about trans relationships

"The partner must be confused about their own orientation"

Jared fell for a woman, and that is how he described the relationship. People are attracted to the person in front of them; a partner's history does not change who that person is today.

"Someone transitions to win a partner"

Some headlines in 2018 framed this story as if Erin changed her gender to attract Jared. Her own account says otherwise. She was unhappy living as a boy long before she contacted him again, and her decision to transition came from that, not from a crush.

"These relationships do not last"

Relationships succeed or fail for the same reasons as any others: communication, trust, shared values and support from people around the couple. Outside pressure can add strain, which is why family acceptance matters so much.

How friends and family can help

• Use the person's name and pronouns, including when talking about the past. Erin is Erin in every chapter of her story.
• Do not ask intrusive medical questions. Details of surgery or hormones are private unless someone chooses to share them.
• Back the couple in public. Quiet support is welcome, but visible acceptance from family and friends sends a stronger message to critics.
• Report threats. Online abuse that includes threats of violence can be reported to platforms and, where serious, to police.
• Point people to support. Organisations such as the Trevor Project and Trans Lifeline in the US offer help for young trans people and those in crisis.

Why their story resonated

Erin and Jared's story spread because it has a twist that headlines love: the man who ignored a message years earlier ended up as the boyfriend. Yet the parts that matter most are quieter. A young woman found the courage to live as herself, a man chose to be proud rather than secretive, and both kept going despite strangers telling them they should not exist together.

As Jared put it, he wanted to "proudly show everyone we are dating." For many readers, that line sums up the whole story.

Sources: Erin Anderson and Jared Norris, interviews and photos shared with media in 2018 (photos courtesy of the couple). Wikipedia: Transgender rights in the United States (Williams Institute victimisation data); Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law; The Trevor Project; Trans Lifeline.