Letting Go of Someone You Love: Will They Come Back?

Originally published 2018-10-20.

If you have lost someone you still love, you have probably heard the comforting line: "If it's meant to be, they'll come back." Sometimes exes do return. Research suggests that getting back together is more common than most people think. But waiting for a reunion is a fragile plan for healing. The healthier path is to let go fully, rebuild a life that does not depend on their return, and then, if they do come back, judge that choice with clear eyes rather than relief.

This guide looks at why a breakup with someone you loved hurts so much, what studies say about couples who reunite, how belief in fate can help or hurt, and practical steps for moving forward.

Why this kind of breakup hurts so much

When a long relationship ends, you lose more than a partner. You lose a daily routine, shared friends, plans for the future and part of how you understand yourself. Everyday objects turn into triggers: a jumper left in the wardrobe, a song in a shop, the restaurant you always chose for anniversaries. It is common to keep doing the things they enjoyed, as if holding onto the habits keeps a door open.

Regret makes it heavier. If you believe the breakup was your fault, your mind may replay every argument and every missed chance to say sorry. That replaying, often called rumination, feels like problem-solving but usually keeps the wound open. Psychologists describe the end of a close relationship as a genuine form of grief, and grief rarely moves in a straight line. Good days and bad days can follow each other for months.

Do exes really come back?

More often than you might expect. Studies of so-called on-again, off-again relationships have estimated that more than 60 per cent of young adults have experienced one. In a study led by René Dailey of the University of Texas at Austin, about half of 211 adults surveyed reported a relationship that had ended and restarted at least once; among them, the average was more than two renewals.

The same research brings a caution. People in on-off relationships reported lower satisfaction, more uncertainty about commitment and more disillusionment than people whose relationships had not cycled. Dailey's team also found no particular personality "type" that ends up in these patterns, which suggests the problems come from what happens between two people, such as unresolved conflict, rather than from one partner being destined to leave and return.

So the honest answer is: they might come back. A reunion alone, however, does not mean the relationship will be better than it was.

The trouble with waiting for fate

Relationship researchers distinguish between "destiny beliefs", the idea that partners are either meant for each other or not, and "growth beliefs", the idea that relationships improve through effort. Destiny thinking can be soothing after a loss, because it suggests the story is not over. Yet it can also keep you frozen, refusing to meet anyone new, texting on birthdays, writing letters you never send and measuring every new person against the one who left.

There is a quieter risk too. If you treat a reunion as proof that you were always meant to be together, you may skip the hard conversation about what went wrong. A second chance only helps if both people have actually changed something.

A kinder way to hold the hope is this: let go as if they are not coming back. If they do return, you will meet them as a steadier person, with a life of your own and the freedom to say yes or no.

How to start letting go

• Create some distance. Many people find a period of little or no contact helps the intense longing settle. Mute or unfollow on social media if seeing their updates keeps reopening the wound.
• Put reminders away, not necessarily in the bin. A box in a cupboard lets you decide later what to keep once the feelings are less raw.
• Write down the whole story. Include the good memories and the real reasons it ended. Seeing both on paper counters the habit of remembering only the best moments.
• Turn regret into a lesson. If you made mistakes, name them specifically and decide what you would do differently. Then let the lesson stay and the self-punishment go.
• Rebuild your days. Sleep, food, movement and time with friends sound basic, yet they are the foundation that makes heavy emotions easier to carry.
• Add something that is only yours. A class, a sport, a project or a trip gives your identity somewhere new to grow.

If they do come back

Sometimes the call or message arrives months or years later, and it can stir surprise, excitement and fear all at once. Before diving back in, it helps to slow down and ask some questions:

• What exactly has changed, for each of you, since the breakup?
• Have the issues that ended it, whether trust, communication, distance or different life goals, been talked through honestly?
• Are you returning because you want this person, or because you fear being alone?
• Do friends who know you well feel hopeful or worried?

Couples who reunite successfully usually do so deliberately, often with new agreements about how they handle conflict. If the relationship involved control, threats or violence, a reunion is not a romantic second chance; reach out to a domestic abuse helpline or someone you trust for support.

When to get extra support

Heartbreak is painful but usually eases with time. If weeks pass and you cannot sleep, eat, work or enjoy anything, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, talk to a doctor or a mental health professional, and lean on friends and family. In an emergency, contact local emergency services or a crisis line right away.

Letting someone go does not mean you stop caring about them. It means you stop putting your own life on hold. Whether or not your paths cross again, the work you do now, healing, learning and rebuilding, belongs to you.

(The Facebook video originally embedded here is no longer available.)

Sources: PsyPost on Dailey et al., Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.