20 Honest Lessons Women Turning 40 Wish They Knew in Their 30s

What do women approaching 40 wish they had known in their 30s? Mostly the same handful of things: accept yourself sooner, stop trying to please everyone, protect your time and money, choose partners carefully, and let go of the picture of how life was “supposed” to look. These twenty lessons were first shared by writer Wendy Redden on Lifehack in 2015, as she looked back from the edge of her fortieth birthday as a mother of two who had been through two divorces. Here they are retold and grouped, with some context on why each one tends to hold up.

Forty is a strange milestone. Many women expect to have “arrived” by then, with the career, family and home all in place. Real life rarely follows that script, and comparing it with the script is exactly what makes the birthday sting. The good news is that most of the lessons below can be started at any age.

Lessons 1–5: start with yourself

1. Love and accept yourself, all of you

Redden’s first regret is not accepting both her good and bad sides earlier, because she believes it would have spared her several poor decisions. Knowing yourself honestly, flaws included, makes it easier to choose people and situations that suit you, and easier to accept other people as they are too.

2. Feed your soul

Make room for whatever lights you up, whether that is painting, running, gardening or choir. If you have no idea what your passion is, that is normal; try new activities until a few leave you feeling energised and free rather than drained.

3. Build a strong support network

Trying to handle everything alone is exhausting. A few safe friends who will support you without judgement are worth more than a large circle of acquaintances, and those friendships need active care, especially during busy years of work and young children.

4. Be authentic

Wearing a cheerful mask through hard times keeps people at a distance. When you let trusted people see your struggles, they usually trust you more, not less, because you seem real.

5. Live for you, too

Many women spend their 30s caring for everyone else and leave nothing for themselves. You cannot make everyone happy. Making decisions that are good for you is not selfish; it is how you stay well enough to care for others.

Lessons 6–10: relationships and expectations

6. Don’t compromise too much

Every close relationship needs give and take. The warning sign is when the giving is mostly on one side. If you notice you are always the one setting aside your needs, it is time to ask whether that relationship is healthy for you.

7. Stop comparing your life with other people’s

Social media shows everyone’s highlights and hides their worst days. Psychologists have long studied “upward” social comparison, and research links frequent comparison on social platforms with lower well-being. Redden’s fix is simple: when she catches herself comparing, she switches to listing what she is grateful for.

8. Drop expectations of other people

Many women grew up on fairy-tale endings: meet the prince, marry, live happily ever after. Redden says she finally threw those expectations away during her second failing marriage. You can keep dreams for your own life while letting go of rigid scripts for what others must do. A line popular in recovery circles, often attributed to various sources, puts it bluntly: an expectation is a premeditated resentment.

9. Forgive yourself and others

Holding on to anger about the past keeps it alive. Psychologists distinguish forgiveness, an inner change in how you feel, from reconciliation, which means restoring the relationship. You can forgive someone without letting them back into your life. Research on structured forgiveness programmes suggests it takes time and effort, but people who work through it often report less anger and stress.

10. Think long and hard before you say “I do”

It is easy to marry because of the time already invested or the hope that a partner will change. If you have a long list of “if only” thoughts about someone, or you want to change their core personality, it is usually kinder to both of you to step away before vows, not after.

Lessons 11–13: boundaries and saying no

11. Limit time with negative people

You cannot always avoid difficult co-workers or relatives, but you can choose your friends. When someone mostly takes and rarely gives, set firm boundaries or let the friendship fade.

12. “No” is a complete sentence

This phrase is often attributed to the writer Anne Lamott. Many people pleasers feel they must justify every refusal with a long explanation. You don’t. A calm, simple no gets easier with practice and protects your time for what truly matters.

13. Stop caring so much what others think

Doing things just to win approval leads to decisions made for the wrong reasons, and you can never please everyone anyway. Redden’s cheerful conclusion: focus on your own life, and wear the bikini anyway.

Lessons 14–16: work, money and giving back

14. Find work you can love, not just tolerate

Redden wishes she had tried more jobs, or researched more careers, in her younger years. Plenty of people stay stuck for decades in jobs they dislike just for the paycheck. It is never too late to retrain, but your 30s are a particularly good window to experiment.

15. Save for the unexpected

Watching her parents in retirement made her think hard about her own finances. Life throws curveballs: job loss, illness, a broken car, a divorce. An emergency fund and steady retirement saving are among the least glamorous and most valuable things you can do in your 30s. A financial adviser can help you decide how much is right for your situation.

16. Give back more

Volunteering for a cause or quietly supporting a friend through a hard time keeps you grounded and grateful. Helping without expecting anything back has a way of shrinking your own problems to their real size.

Lessons 17–20: worry less, live more

17. Travel more

This was Redden’s biggest regret. Money can buy things or memories, and she wishes she had chosen at least one new destination a year over forgettable purchases. Travel loosens routines and shows you how differently people live.

18. Worry less

She lived with anxiety for years and found that worrying never changed an outcome. Accepting that you will cope with whatever happens can lower stress considerably. If anxiety is constant or overwhelming, though, it deserves proper help: talk to a doctor.

19. Stop and notice the small things

Watch a sunrise, look at the stars on a clear night, walk by the sea or in the hills. As Ferris Bueller says in John Hughes’s 1986 film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

20. Embrace change

Many of us want life to stay predictable. When several big changes hit at once, that wish makes them harder to handle. Accepting that change is the one constant leaves you better prepared for whatever turn comes next.

How to use these lessons at any age

You do not have to tackle all twenty at once. Pick the two or three that hit hardest and turn them into small actions: book one trip, set up an automatic monthly transfer to savings, practise saying no without explaining, or schedule a regular coffee with a friend who lifts you up.

And if you are already past 40, the same advice applies. None of these lessons has an expiry date. The women who seem most at ease in their forties and beyond are usually the ones who stopped waiting to “arrive” and started living the life they actually have.

Sources: Wendy Redden, Lifehack (2015), also shared via Ideaspots; Wikipedia: Social comparison theory; Wikipedia: Forgiveness; Wikipedia: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.