The Love You Deserve: Sienna Brown's Letter and What Research Says

Originally published 2016-11-20.

What kind of love do you actually deserve? Writer Sienna Brown tried to answer that in a short open letter, first published by WildSpice Magazine, addressed to herself and to anyone who has slipped into accepting less than they need. Her answer is not a fairy tale. She describes a partner who admires you, argues with you in a way that makes you both better, shares your curiosity and gives you room to grow, and she ends by urging readers not to settle while they wait for it.

Below is a look at the main ideas in her letter, why they resonate, and how they line up with what relationship researchers have found about couples who last.

The heart of the letter: do not settle

Brown opens by admitting how easy it is to forget your own worth when you are lonely or tired. Her letter is framed as a reminder, written for "me, for you" and for anyone else who needs it.

She sets up the contrast with an image many people will recognise: a partner who rolls away to the far side of the bed after a night of drinking and desire, leaving you dreading the morning. Against that, she places someone who wants to wake up beside you and reach for the patch of sunlight on your face. The point is simple. Passion that evaporates by daylight is not the same as being cherished.

Being seen in every mood

One of the most quoted parts of the letter is about appreciation that does not depend on you looking or behaving your best. Brown imagines someone who finds you beautiful while you sleep, while you are angry, and while you cry at a favourite film you have watched countless times. She also writes of a partner who wants the lights left on, admiring you exactly as you are.

This idea has solid backing. Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, who have studied couples for decades through the Gottman Institute, describe a "culture of appreciation and respect" as the antidote to contempt, which their institute calls the single greatest predictor of divorce. Their shorthand for building that culture is "Small Things Often": regular, ordinary expressions of gratitude and affection rather than rare grand gestures.

Arguments that make you better

Brown does not ask for a partner who agrees with everything. She wants someone who disagrees with you sometimes, but whose arguments push you both toward your best selves. That is a more realistic picture of love than constant harmony.

Research supports the distinction. Conflict itself is normal; what matters is how it is handled. The Gottman Institute identifies four patterns that tend to poison relationships, which it calls the Four Horsemen:

• Criticism, attacking your partner's character instead of naming a specific problem.
• Contempt, mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling and other signs of superiority.
• Defensiveness, excuses and blame-shifting.
• Stonewalling, shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation.

Each has a counter: raise complaints gently with "I" statements, keep appreciating each other, take responsibility for your part, and take a calming break of at least twenty minutes when you feel flooded. The institute also talks about a "magic ratio" of at least five positive interactions for every negative one. A disagreement that leaves both people feeling heard is the kind Brown has in mind.

It is worth adding a caveat. Some critics, including psychologist Richard Heyman, have questioned how precisely Gottman's models can predict divorce, pointing to small samples. The practical advice about respect and repair is widely used, but no formula can forecast an individual couple's future.

Curiosity, closeness and independence

The letter imagines talking with someone from dusk until dawn about beginnings, desires and the unknown, and it pairs that with the quieter intimacy of touch, which Brown suggests can say more than many conversations. Emotional and physical closeness are presented as partners, not rivals.

Just as important, she wants a partner who is at least as independent and driven as you, someone who inspires you and trusts you enough to give you space to grow. Her strongest line asks for someone who encourages you to seek understanding, to live without shame and to find courage.

That balance between closeness and autonomy is something many people struggle to describe. Brown's version is useful because it rejects the idea that a devoted partner must be a possessive one. Support for each other's growth sits alongside affection, not in tension with it.

Love that fits you, not someone else

Near the end, Brown makes a point that is easy to miss: what is best for you will not look like what anyone else has. She is not handing out a checklist. She is inviting readers to work out what they need, instead of copying the couples they admire online or among friends.

She is also honest about the road. Getting there may mean hurdles, tears and lonely nights. She closes with "Have faith that it will come when the time is right," and signs off simply as someone who cares.

Read gently, that ending is encouragement rather than a promise. Nobody can guarantee when or whether the right relationship will arrive, and a life without a partner is not a waiting room. What the letter does well is remind readers that being single can be better than staying where you are diminished.

Putting the letter into practice

If Brown's words struck a chord, a few questions can help turn them into something concrete:

• Do you feel appreciated on ordinary days, not just special ones?
• When you argue, do you both come out understanding each other better, or do criticism and contempt creep in?
• Does your partner support your goals and friendships, and respect your privacy?
• Can you say what you need without fear?

The US relationship-support organisation Love Is Respect sums up healthy relationships as built on good communication, healthy boundaries, mutual respect and support for one another. If a relationship involves fear, control or harm, that is not a matter of settling; it is a reason to reach out for help. In the United States, Love Is Respect can be reached by phone at 866-331-9474 or by texting LOVEIS to 22522, and anyone in immediate danger should call 911 or their local emergency number.

Brown's letter has travelled widely because it says, in plain and tender language, something people often need to hear: you are allowed to expect kindness, respect and room to grow from the person you love.

Sources: Open letter by Sienna Brown, first published by WildSpice Magazine and later shared by Ideaspots; relationship research from the Gottman Institute on the Four Horsemen and their antidotes; criticism of divorce-prediction claims from Wikipedia: John Gottman; healthy-relationship guidance from Love Is Respect.