Can You Stay Friends With an Ex? What Experts and Research Say

Originally published 2018-09-28.

Can you stay friends with an ex? Sometimes, yes, but rarely straight away. Therapists who work with couples generally agree on two things: a friendship right after a breakup tends to keep old feelings alive, and a period of little or no contact gives both people the best chance of either moving on cleanly or building a genuine friendship later. Whether it works depends far more on why you want the friendship than on any universal rule.

Why "let's stay friends" is harder than it sounds

The offer of friendship often comes at the moment of the breakup itself, when it softens the news for one person and offers hope to the other. That is exactly why it can backfire. Therapist Nina Atwood, author of Temptations of the Single Girl, puts it plainly: "Wanting to be friends keeps you from feeling the full depth of the loss, softening the blow of the breakup."

A former partner may be the person who knows you best. Even when the physical attraction has faded, you can still crave the closeness, the shared jokes and the habit of turning to them first with news. That dependence leaves you exposed when they start dating someone new, which most people eventually do. Being "replaced" hurts far more when you are still in daily contact.

Relationship coach Lindsay Kriger makes a related point: agreeing to be friends does not switch off the feelings you had, or still have. Pretending the past never happened usually means those feelings leak out in jealousy, mixed signals or a late-night text you regret.

What research says about friendships with exes

Popular headlines have claimed that science calls staying friends with an ex "the worst idea ever". The research is more nuanced than that. It suggests the outcome depends on motive.

In a 2017 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, psychologists Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling of Oakland University in Michigan collected the reasons people give for staying friends with a former partner and grouped them into seven categories:

• Reliability and sentimental value: the ex is trustworthy, supportive and important to you.
• Practical reasons: useful contacts, information or money.
• Continued romantic attraction: hoping to get back together.
• Children and shared resources: co-parenting, a shared home, pets or finances.
• Fading romantic attraction: the romance has cooled but the liking remains.
• Keeping a social circle: mutual friends, colleagues or family ties.
• Sexual access: continued casual sex.

Participants rated reliability and sentimentality as the most important reasons and practical ones as the least. People who reported more negative emotions gave more weight to support and lingering attraction. That hints that, for some, the "friendship" is a way of numbing the pain of the breakup rather than a new relationship in its own right. The participants were mostly young university students, so the findings may not apply to long marriages or parents, where shared children make ongoing contact unavoidable. Other research cited alongside the study has found that around half of divorced people still have some contact with their ex years after separating.

Why time apart helps

Psychologist Karen Sherman recommends a period of separation before any attempt at friendship. It does not need to be long, but it should last until the romantic charge has died down. Many therapists suggest a few weeks to a few months of no contact, or contact limited to unavoidable practical matters.

The gap does several things. It lets you grieve the relationship instead of postponing the grief. It breaks the routine of turning to that person for comfort. And it gives you a clearer view of whether you want a friend or are quietly hoping for a reunion. If, after time apart, seeing them leaves you calm rather than unsettled, a friendship may be possible.

Social media: following, unfollowing and checking up

Staying connected online can feel harmless, but it often keeps the wound open. Kriger's advice is to cut ties fully after a breakup, which can mean deleting a number and unfollowing or muting your ex. Psychologist Juliana Breines has written in Psychology Today about how monitoring an ex's profile tends to feed jealousy and anxiety. A 2012 study by Tara Marshall of Brunel University London found that people who kept checking a former partner's Facebook page reported more distress and longing and less personal growth than those who did not.

You do not have to make a dramatic gesture. Muting or archiving can give you the same distance without starting a conflict, especially if you share friends.

When a friendship with an ex can work

Plenty of people do have warm friendships with former partners. These tend to share some features:

• Both people want it on the same terms. Neither is waiting for the romance to restart.
• There was time apart first. The friendship is built later, not used as a soft landing.
• The breakup was respectful. There was no cheating, abuse or ongoing manipulation.
• New partners are welcome. You can hear about each other's dates without a pang, and new partners are not made to feel threatened.
• Boundaries are clear. No sleeping together "just once", no late-night emotional dumping.

Co-parents are a special case: contact is necessary, so the goal is a calm, businesslike partnership focused on the children, which may or may not grow into friendship.

Questions to ask yourself first

• Am I hoping we will get back together?
• How do I feel for the rest of the day after we talk or meet?
• Would I be genuinely glad, not just polite, if they met someone new?
• Is this friendship adding something to my life, or helping me avoid feeling the loss?
• Does my ex respect the limits I set?

If the honest answers make you uneasy, step back for now. Saying "not yet" is not cruel; it is often kinder to both of you. And if a breakup leaves you struggling to sleep, eat or function for weeks, it is worth talking to a doctor or a qualified therapist.

Common myths about staying friends

"If we can't be friends, the relationship meant nothing." Not true. Choosing distance can be a sign of how much it mattered.

"Science says it never works." Research shows motives matter. Friendship built on mutual respect after a break can be healthy; friendship used to keep a romance on life support usually is not.

"Cutting contact is immature." Space after a breakup is a normal, widely recommended step, not a punishment.

Every breakup is different. Some exes become lifelong friends; others are best wished well from a distance. Giving yourself time to know which one you are dealing with is the most reliable advice there is. And yes, a tub of ice cream and a good friend on the sofa still help.

(The Facebook video originally embedded here is no longer available.)

Sources: British Psychological Society Research Digest: The reasons we stay friends with an ex. Based on an essay by Christine Schoenwald, first published by YourTango and shared via Idealist4ever.