Low self-esteem does not always come from abuse, harsh parents or a string of failures. One surprisingly common root is the kind of praise many of us heard as children: praise for who we are (“you’re so clever”, “you’re a natural”) rather than for what we did (“you worked hard on that”, “you tried a new way”). Research from Utrecht University suggests that this “person praise” can leave children feeling ashamed when they fail, especially if their confidence is already fragile.
If you grew up in a loving home and still feel you are never quite good enough, that link may help explain it. Below is what the research found, why praise works this way, where the popular “10,000 hours” idea fits in, and what you can do as an adult to rebuild a healthier relationship with effort and failure.
When there is no obvious cause
Most explanations of low self-esteem focus on clear harm: bullying, criticism, an emotionally abusive partner, a parent who demanded perfect grades. Those experiences matter. The NHS lists childhood messages from parents, teachers and peers, unmet expectations, stressful life events and a tendency towards negative thinking among the common causes.
Yet plenty of people with no dramatic story still carry a quiet sense of being inadequate. That can be doubly confusing. When a problem has no visible cause, it is easy to conclude that the problem is you, which only deepens the feeling. Looking at the everyday messages we absorbed while growing up, including well-meant ones, can make the pattern easier to understand.
What the Utrecht praise study found
In 2013 a team led by psychologist Eddie Brummelman of Utrecht University, with colleagues including Sander Thomaes and Brad Bushman, published two linked experiments in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General.
Study one: what parents say
357 Dutch parents read descriptions of six imaginary children, three with high self-esteem and three with low, and wrote down how they would praise each child for finishing a task such as a drawing. Parents gave the low self-esteem children more than twice as much praise for personal qualities as the confident ones. In other words, adults instinctively try to lift insecure children by telling them how great they are.
Study two: how children react
313 children aged 8 to 13 played an online reaction-time game that the computer secretly decided they would win or lose. Before playing, some received praise for personal qualities, some for effort and some no praise at all. Children who had been praised as people and then lost showed a sharp rise in shame, and the effect was strongest in those with low self-esteem.
Brummelman summed up the risk plainly in the American Psychological Association’s release: “This type of personal praise may backfire.” The researchers’ explanation is that praising a trait tells a child they are valued for being a certain kind of person. When they then fail, the natural conclusion is not “I needed to practise more” but “maybe I’m not that person after all.”
Why praising effort protects self-worth
Effort praise points attention at something the child controls. If a loss follows, the lesson is about strategy or practice, and the setback looks temporary. Trait praise points at something fixed. A failure then becomes evidence about identity.
The difference shows up in the way people talk to themselves years later. Compare these inner reactions:
- “I didn’t prepare enough for that exam” versus “I’m stupid.”
- “My painting needs more practice” versus “I’m just not artistic.”
- “That conversation went badly” versus “Nobody likes me.”
The first version of each leaves room to improve. The second turns a single event into a verdict on the whole person. People who grew up hearing mostly trait praise often avoid anything they are not instantly good at, because trying and struggling feels like proof they lack the gift. Over time they stick to safe activities, quit early, and describe themselves as “not the type” for sport, music, maths or public speaking.
This links to psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on fixed and growth mindsets. Dweck argues that praising process, such as effort, strategies and persistence, serves children better in the long run than calling them smart. It is worth knowing that later large studies of school “growth mindset” programmes have produced mixed results; a 2019 trial by England’s Education Endowment Foundation found no significant gains in reading or maths. The basic insight about praise holds up better than the claims that a short mindset lesson can transform grades.
The “10,000 hours” myth and the truth about talent
Popular books such as Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers (2008) and Daniel Coyle’s The Talent Code (2009) helped spread the idea that greatness is grown rather than born. Gladwell popularised the “10,000-hour rule”, the claim that roughly that much practice makes anyone world-class.
The underlying research, by psychologist Anders Ericsson, was real, but Ericsson and his co-authors later disputed how the rule was used. A 2014 meta-analysis by Brooke Macnamara and colleagues found that deliberate practice explained about 26% of the differences in performance in games, 21% in music, 18% in sports, 4% in education and under 1% in professions. Practice matters a great deal, but so do feedback, coaching, starting age and, yes, some natural differences.
That balanced picture is actually good news for anyone with low self-esteem. You do not need to believe that anyone can become anything to see that most skills grow with steady, well-guided effort, and that being a beginner is a stage, not a sentence.
Do you judge your worth by the outcome?
A useful question to ask yourself is: what is my relationship with effort? Not punishing, exhausting work, just the patient practice that moves you towards something you care about. Signs that early praise may have shaped you include:
- You avoid new activities unless you expect to be good at them quickly.
- You feel embarrassed to be seen practising or learning.
- You call yourself a quitter, or say you “just don’t have it in you”.
- A single mistake can colour how you see yourself for days.
None of these makes you weak. They are learned patterns, and learned patterns can be unlearned.
Practical ways to rebuild self-esteem
Here are steps that combine the praise research with widely used self-help advice from the NHS:
- Praise your own effort. At the end of the day, note one thing you worked at, whatever the result.
- Rewrite the verdict. When you hear “I’m useless”, translate it into a specific, fixable statement about what happened.
- Challenge old beliefs. Write down a negative belief about yourself, when it started, and any evidence against it.
- Keep a list of strengths. Include things others have said about you, and add to it regularly.
- Pick a skill to be bad at. Choose something new and give yourself permission to be a beginner for a few months.
- Treat yourself as you would a friend. If you would not say it to someone you love, do not say it to yourself.
- Spend time with supportive people and set limits with those who leave you feeling small.
If you are a parent, the research suggests a simple shift: describe what your child did (“you kept trying different pieces until the puzzle fit”) rather than labelling who they are. Warmth still matters; this is about where the spotlight falls, not about praising less.
If low self-esteem has lasted a long time or is affecting your mood, sleep, relationships or work, talk to a doctor or a qualified therapist. Talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy are commonly offered for this.
Above all, remember the core lesson: the result of one attempt is information, not a measure of your worth.
Sources: American Psychological Association: Praising children for personal qualities may backfire (February 2013); NHS: Raising low self-esteem; Wikipedia: Mindset; Wikipedia: Outliers (book); based on an essay by Brianna at Exist Better, shared via Expanded Consciousness.
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