Empathy vs Sympathy: The Difference, Explained by Brené Brown

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The Difference Between Sympathy And Empathy

The short answer: empathy means feeling with someone, while sympathy means feeling for them. When you empathise, you try to understand what the other person is going through from their point of view and let them know you get it. When you sympathise, you notice their pain and feel sorry about it, but you stay at a distance, often offering a quick comfort or a bright side. Both can come from a kind place. Only one of them usually makes the other person feel less alone.

A short animated film made for the RSA in London explains this difference better than most textbooks, and it has been watched millions of times. Below you can watch it, then read what the research says and how to respond with empathy when someone you care about is struggling.

Watch: The Power of Empathy

The animation is The Power of Empathy, a 2-minute-53-second RSA Short released in 2013. It was written, designed and animated by Katy Davis, who works under the name Gobblynne, and produced for the RSA (the Royal Society for the encouragement of Arts, Manufactures and Commerce) public events programme. The voice you hear is the researcher and author Brené Brown, taken from a talk she gave at the RSA about vulnerability.

In the film, a small fox sits stuck at the bottom of a dark hole. One animal climbs down to sit beside it and admit it knows what that place feels like; another stays at the rim, looks in, says how bad it seems and offers a distraction. The visual metaphor is simple and memorable: empathy climbs down into the hole; sympathy calls down from the top.

Empathy and sympathy, side by side

Psychologists do not all use the words in exactly the same way, but the core difference is widely shared.

  • Focus. Empathy centres on the other person’s experience as they feel it. Sympathy centres on how the situation looks to you, the observer.
  • Distance. Empathy closes the gap: “I’m here with you.” Sympathy keeps it: “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
  • Typical words. Empathy sounds like “That sounds really hard” or “I’m glad you told me.” Sympathy often sounds like “At least…” or “Look on the bright side.”
  • Effect. Empathy tends to build trust and connection. Sympathy, especially when it rushes to fix or minimise, can leave the person feeling judged or unheard.

Sympathy is not a bad thing. A sympathy card after a death, or simple concern for a stranger’s misfortune, is a decent human response. The problem arises when sympathy replaces listening in moments when someone needs to feel understood.

The four attributes of empathy

In her work, Brené Brown draws on a model by the nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman, who described four attributes of empathy:

  1. Seeing the world as others see it. Taking their perspective, even when you would see things differently.
  2. Being non-judgemental. Holding back the urge to decide whether they should feel the way they do.
  3. Understanding another person’s feelings. Recognising the emotion, which often means touching something similar in your own experience.
  4. Communicating that understanding. Letting them know, in words or presence, that you have understood.

The fourth step is the one most people skip. We may understand perfectly well what a friend is feeling, but unless we say so, they cannot know it.

Why “at least” rarely helps

One of the most quoted lines in Brown’s talk is that an empathic response “rarely starts with the words, ‘At least…’” (as quoted by Psychology Today). Think of the familiar versions: “At least you still have a job,” “At least you’re young,” “At least it wasn’t worse.”

These silver linings are usually meant kindly. The speaker is uncomfortable with the other person’s pain and wants to make it smaller. But to the person who is hurting, the message can sound like “your feelings are out of proportion.” It skips past what they are going through and asks them to cheer up before they have been heard.

Brown’s alternative is disarmingly honest. When you do not know what to say, you can say exactly that. One line she offers is: “I don’t know what to say, but I am really glad you told me.” It does not solve anything, yet it tells the other person they are not alone, and that is usually what they wanted.

What psychology says about empathy

The word itself is relatively young. In 1909 the English psychologist Edward Titchener translated the German term Einfühlung, roughly “feeling into”, as “empathy”. Since then researchers have split it into two main parts:

  • Cognitive empathy: understanding what another person thinks or feels, sometimes called perspective-taking.
  • Affective (emotional) empathy: responding with a fitting emotion of your own when you sense theirs.

The two are partly independent. Some people feel others’ emotions intensely but find it hard to see their viewpoint; others understand a perspective clearly without being emotionally moved. Good everyday empathy draws on both.

Research also points to a limit. Repeatedly absorbing other people’s distress without any way to process it can lead to what is often called “empathic distress fatigue”: exhaustion, anxiety and burnout, a known risk for carers and health workers. Many researchers argue that compassion, which adds warmth and a wish to help, is more sustainable than simply mirroring pain. If supporting someone is wearing you down, it is fine to seek support yourself, and if you are struggling with your own mental health, talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.

How to respond with empathy: a practical guide

Empathy is a skill, which means it improves with practice. When someone opens up to you, try these steps:

  1. Stop and give full attention. Put the phone down and turn toward the person. Presence says more than any sentence.
  2. Listen to understand, not to reply. Resist planning your advice while they are still speaking.
  3. Name what you hear. “It sounds like you feel let down,” or “That must have been frightening.” If you get it wrong, they will correct you, and that is still connection.
  4. Share honestly, briefly. Brown notes that two of the most powerful words in a struggle are “me too”. Use them only if they are true, and bring the focus back to the other person.
  5. Ask before advising. “Do you want ideas, or do you just need to vent?” Often the answer is the second. Solutions can come later.
  6. Follow up. A message a few days later shows that your care did not end with the conversation.

Done this way, the conversation builds trust on both sides. The person who shared feels understood, and the listener learns more about someone they care about. Over time, those moments strengthen friendships, families and teams.

Common myths about empathy

  • “Empathy means agreeing.” You can understand why someone feels angry without thinking they are right.
  • “You need to have had the same experience.” Not exactly. You need to connect with the feeling, such as fear, grief or shame, not the identical event.
  • “Empathy means fixing the problem.” Practical help matters, but it works best after the person feels heard.
  • “Some people just don’t have it.” Empathy varies between people, but listening and reflecting feelings are skills that can be learned and practised.

The next time someone tells you about a hard day, picture the animal in the animation climbing down into the hole. You do not need the perfect words. You need to be willing to sit beside them for a while.

Sources: Animation The Power of Empathy by Katy Davis (Gobblynne) for the RSA, voice of Brené Brown; British Council Film: The Power of Empathy (2013); Psychology Today, 12 August 2014: Brené Brown on Empathy vs. Sympathy; Wikipedia: Empathy; earlier discussion via Expanded Consciousness.

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