Originally published 2020-05-15.
A true and lasting friendship rests on three things: time spent doing things together, trust built through gradually opening up, and genuine care for the other person's wellbeing for their own sake. Philosophers since Aristotle have described it this way, and modern research adds a practical detail: close friendships take many hours of shared time to form and keep needing attention to survive.
Friendship is not a fixed status you earn once. It behaves more like a living thing, growing when both people feed it and fading when one or both stop. Below we look at how philosophers define it, Aristotle's famous three kinds of friendship, the three ingredients that make a friendship deep and mutual, and what you can do to strengthen the friendships that matter to you.
How philosophers define friendship
The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, in an entry by the philosopher Bennett Helm, opens by calling friendship "a distinctively personal relationship that is grounded in a concern on the part of each friend", a concern for the other person's welfare and for their sake. Two features stand out in that definition. Friendship is personal: you are friends with this particular person, not with anyone who happens to fill the role. And the concern is mutual: each cares about how the other is doing.
Friendships also shape who we become. The people we spend time with influence our tastes, values and sense of self, which is one reason losing a close friend can feel like losing part of your own story. The affection involved is a real form of love, even when it is not romantic, and it only develops through steady, meaningful contact over time.
Aristotle's three kinds of friendship
In Books VIII and IX of the Nicomachean Ethics, written in the fourth century BC, Aristotle described different forms of friendship according to what draws people together:
- Friendships of utility are based on usefulness: colleagues who help each other, neighbours who swap favours, business contacts. They often end when the usefulness ends.
- Friendships of pleasure are based on enjoyment: teammates, party friends, people you share a hobby with. They are fun and valuable, but tend to fade when tastes change.
- Friendships of virtue are based on appreciating who the other person is, especially their character. Aristotle considered these the most complete and the longest lasting, and also the rarest, because they take time and require both people to be of good character.
Aristotle did not dismiss the first two kinds. Most of our friendships mix all three motives. Still, when people talk about a "true friend", they usually mean something close to his friendship of virtue: someone you value for themselves, not for what they do for you.
Ingredient one: doing things together
Shared activity is the soil friendship grows in. Everyday moments count: talking over coffee, walking, cooking, playing games. So do bigger shared experiences such as going to a concert, seeing a play or travelling together. These experiences give friends a common history to return to.
Research by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas, published in 2018 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, put rough numbers on it. Across two studies of adults who had recently moved, it took roughly 40 to 60 hours together to become casual friends, 80 to 100 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. Time spent socialising, such as hanging out or joking around, counted much more than time spent working side by side.
Motivation matters too. Philosophers note that in a genuine friendship, joint activities are done at least partly for the sake of the friendship itself. Helping a friend move house so they owe you later is a transaction. Helping because you care about them, and maybe enjoying the pizza and the chaos together, is the kind of sharing that deepens a long friendship.
Ingredient two: trust and openness
Closeness grows when people reveal more of themselves, step by step: worries, hopes, embarrassing stories, things they have not told anyone else. Each disclosure is a small risk. When it is met with care rather than judgement or gossip, trust grows and the next step feels safer.
Trust is not built only through confessions, though. Being able to share what you love, whether a niche band, a strange hobby or an unpopular opinion, without fear of being mocked is just as important. It signals that you can be yourself around this person. Friendships where one side always performs or hides tend to stay shallow, however long they last.
Reliability completes the picture. Keeping confidences, showing up when you said you would and being honest even when it is uncomfortable all show that openness is safe.
Ingredient three: caring for each other's sake
Mutual concern means caring about your friend's wellbeing because it matters to you, not because it benefits you. In practice, that shows up as sympathy: feeling glad when they succeed, worried when they struggle, and frustrated by their setbacks rather than frustrated with them.
It also means supporting their growth, even when that growth changes the friendship. A real friend encourages you to take the job in another city, end the relationship that is hurting you or try the thing that scares you, even if it means seeing you less.
Mutual does not mean perfectly equal at every moment. During illness, grief or a new baby, one friend may give much more for a while. What keeps a friendship balanced is that care flows both ways over the long run, and that each person notices and values what the other gives.
How to strengthen a friendship that matters
- Protect regular time. A standing walk, call or meal makes contact automatic rather than something you schedule only when there is a crisis.
- Talk about expectations. Some people show friendship through frequent messages, others through showing up in emergencies. Saying what makes you feel supported, and asking the same, prevents silent resentment.
- Celebrate as well as comfort. Being genuinely happy for a friend's good news builds closeness as much as being there on bad days.
- Repair quickly. Misunderstandings happen. A short, honest conversation early on keeps small hurts from becoming distance.
- Accept seasons. Moves, children and careers change how often you meet. A lasting friendship can survive quiet periods if both people make the effort to reconnect.
A common myth
Many people believe real friends never need effort, and that if a friendship requires work it must not be real. The research on time and the philosophy of mutual care both point the other way. Lasting friendships feel easy partly because both people have invested in them for years.
Sources: Bennett Helm, "Friendship", Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy; Wikipedia: Nicomachean Ethics; University of Kansas: study reveals number of hours it takes to make a friend.
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