Originally published 2019-04-03.
Grief is one of the most difficult things in the world. Losing a loved one is one among the most challenging experiences you’ll have to endure in your life, there's just no avoiding the heartache and intense feelings of emptiness. Nevertheless, by learning to understand grief, you can gradually help yourself come to terms with it and let your life move on. To help people make sense of their emotions during this troubling time, Twitter user Lauren Herschel posted an analogy she learned from her doctor.
Lauren found the analogy, recommended to her by her doctor to help her cope with the loss of her mother. It is beneficial in understanding why grief never really goes away.
Lauren’s thread was shared about 5000 times as people related to the simple and useful metaphor. As a society, we still find it too hard to talk about death and grief, as they provoke feelings that aren't easy to articulate. The conversation that Lauren has started might go some way toward helping people to open up about their feelings, become more comfortable with the burden of their grief and feel no pressure to “get over it,” as some may thoughtlessly suggest.
Image credits: LaurenHerschel
People thanked her for sharing this analogy:
The image explains an unpredictable return
The metaphor is useful because it allows grief to feel intense again without treating that return as proof that nothing has changed. A familiar reminder can touch a painful place even after quieter periods. The image gives people a way to describe that experience when an explanation in abstract terms feels difficult.
Use the analogy only where it helps
No metaphor needs to fit every person's loss or every stage of grief. If it resonates, you might use it to tell someone why a particular day is hard or why an unexpected reminder matters. If it does not, another description may be better. The value is in making a conversation possible, not setting a timetable for when the ball should shrink or how someone ought to feel.
How the ball in the box works
Herschel shared the analogy, which she said her doctor had told her, in a Twitter thread written after a “surprisingly okayish Christmas”, following the death of her mother. In it, grief begins as a large ball inside a box that also holds a pain button. At first the ball is so big that it hits the button constantly, whatever you do, and you cannot control it. Over time the ball shrinks, so it hits the button less often and daily life becomes easier, but when it does hit, the pain is just as strong as before, and it can happen without warning. For most people the ball never disappears completely; the hits simply come less often, leaving more time to recover in between. She added that her stepfather had begun using the analogy to describe how he felt.
Sources: Lauren Herschel’s Twitter thread on the Ball in the Box analogy (Thread Reader)
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