Why Staying in Touch With Older Parents Matters for Their Health

Originally published 2018-07-09.

Loneliness and Ageing: Why Staying in Touch With Older Parents Matters

Does spending more time with your mother help her live longer? No study has tested that exact claim, but there is good evidence behind the idea. A large study from the University of California, San Francisco found that older adults who felt lonely were noticeably more likely to die within six years and to lose the ability to manage everyday tasks. Regular contact with family and friends is one of the most practical ways to ease loneliness, which makes a phone call or a visit far more than a nice gesture.

Here is what the research shows, why loneliness affects the body, and simple ways to stay close to older relatives without guilt or grand promises.

What the UCSF study found

The study was led by geriatrician Carla Perissinotto, with Irena Stijacic Cenzer and Kenneth Covinsky, and was published in 2012 in the Archives of Internal Medicine. It drew on 1,604 people from the US Health and Retirement Study, all over 60 and with an average age of 71.

Participants were asked three simple questions: did they feel left out, did they feel isolated, and did they lack companionship? Anyone who said yes to at least one of them some of the time counted as lonely. That turned out to be a large group, 43.2% of the sample.

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The researchers then followed everyone for six years. Among the lonely participants, 22.8% died during that time, compared with 14.2% of those who did not report loneliness. Lonely people were also about twice as likely to decline in daily activities such as bathing and dressing (24.8% against 12.5%), and more likely to develop difficulty climbing stairs or using their arms for tasks like lifting.

Two details matter. First, the link held after the team adjusted for factors such as income and existing health problems. Second, it is still an observational study, so it shows that loneliness and early death go together, not that loneliness alone causes it. It also looked at feeling lonely in general, not at contact with mothers or adult children in particular. The headline about mothers is a reasonable inference, not a finding.

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Why loneliness affects health

The UCSF results fit a wider body of research. A 2010 analysis of 148 studies led by psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that people with stronger social relationships had roughly a 50% greater chance of survival over the study periods than those with weaker ties. Other work has associated loneliness with higher blood pressure, poorer sleep, less physical activity, smoking and a higher risk of dementia. In 2023 the US Surgeon General issued an advisory on loneliness and isolation, and the World Health Organization launched a commission on social connection, calling loneliness a global public health concern.

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Researchers suggest several pathways:

Practical help. Someone who checks in notices an empty fridge, a missed prescription or a fall risk before it becomes a crisis.
Healthier habits. People with company tend to eat more regular meals, move more and keep medical appointments.
Stress biology. Chronic loneliness appears to keep the body's stress systems on alert, which may affect blood pressure and inflammation.
Mental stimulation. Conversation and shared activities give the brain regular exercise.

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Why later life can become lonely

Loneliness is not a natural or inevitable part of ageing, but the risks pile up with time. Partners and friends die, children move away for work, retirement removes daily contact with colleagues, and health problems or giving up driving can make it harder to get out. Living alone is common in later life, especially for women, who on average outlive their husbands.

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Many older people also hide how isolated they feel because they do not want to be a burden. Barbara Moscowitz, a geriatric social worker at Massachusetts General Hospital, described the core need simply when speaking to The New York Times: "people who know us, value us, who bring us joy — that never goes away."

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Older adults are often skilled at friendship

There is good news in the research, too. Stanford psychologist Laura Carstensen's socioemotional selectivity theory, first set out in the early 1990s, proposes that as people sense their time horizon growing shorter they focus on fewer, more meaningful relationships and on emotionally satisfying experiences. Studies linked to the theory find that many older adults pay more attention to positive information and report stable or even improved emotional wellbeing.

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Rosemary Blieszner, a professor of human development at Virginia Tech who studies friendship in later life, has made a similar point: years of practice tend to make people more tolerant of a friend's quirks and better at choosing which disagreements matter. In her words, "You know what's worth fighting about and not worth fighting about."

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This means older people often have a great deal to give in a relationship, not only to receive. Recipes, family history, a clever chess opening or simple perspective on a bad week are all worth passing on.

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Practical ways to stay connected

Staying in touch does not have to mean daily visits. Consistency matters more than grand gestures.

Set a rhythm. A regular call on the same day each week gives both of you something to look forward to.
Share an activity. Cook a family recipe together, watch the same series and talk about it, or do a crossword over video.
Ask for their expertise. Questions about gardening, family stories or how they handled a hard decision make the conversation two-way.
Help them build their own network. Clubs, faith groups, classes, volunteering and day centres provide contact with peers that family cannot replace.
Make technology easy. Set up a simple video calling device and show them how to use it once or twice.
Watch for warning signs. Weight loss, an untidy home, missed medication or withdrawal can signal that someone needs more support. Talk to their doctor if you are concerned.

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Moving into a retirement community or assisted living is sometimes seen as a sign of being abandoned. For many people it works the other way, because it puts them among others of their own generation with shared meals and activities every day. What matters is that the choice reflects the person's own wishes and that family contact continues.

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If you have no living parents or grandparents, befriending schemes and volunteer visiting programmes for older people exist in many countries. Friendships across generations can grow surprisingly quickly.

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Myths worth dropping

"Each visit adds years to your mother's life." The research is about loneliness in general, measured across populations. It cannot promise a lifespan gain from any single habit, and no adult child should feel personally responsible for a parent's illness or death.

"Living alone means being lonely." Not necessarily. Plenty of people live alone happily, while others feel lonely in a full house. Loneliness is about the quality of connection, not the number of people under one roof.

"Family is enough." Family matters, but friendships with peers protect wellbeing in their own right. Supporting an older relative's friendships is just as valuable as visiting yourself.

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The simplest takeaway is also the most human one. A regular conversation, a shared meal or a short visit costs little, and the evidence suggests that feeling connected is good for body and mind at any age. Pick up the phone, and help the older people in your life keep their other connections strong too.