A cartoon couple on a bed: she reaches out to talk while he turns away, looking uneasy, a quick picture of attraction cooling off.
What do men commonly find unattractive in women? Ask around and the same themes come up again and again: arrogance, poor hygiene, dull or one-sided conversation, constant talk about an ex, drama, stubbornness, immaturity, getting very drunk and being overly demanding. Notice something, though. Almost every item on that list is just as off-putting when a man does it. These are less about gender than about how people make each other feel.
That matters, because it means none of this is about changing who you are to please someone. It is about the everyday behaviours that make connection easier or harder. Here are eleven of the most common turn-offs, why they land badly, and what to do instead.
What people actually look for in a partner
Psychologist David Buss's well-known 1989 study surveyed more than 10,000 people across 37 cultures about what they wanted in a mate. It found some differences between the sexes: on average, men placed more weight on youth and looks, while women gave more weight to status, ambition and kindness. Later research summarised on the topic also shows that people tend to pair up with partners similar to themselves in intelligence, education and personality traits such as conscientiousness.
The practical takeaway is reassuring. Long-term attraction depends heavily on character, warmth and compatibility, which are things you can show rather than things you must be born with. The behaviours below mostly undermine exactly those qualities.
Attitude: ego, stubbornness and immaturity
1. Arrogance
Confidence is attractive; superiority is not. Being proud of your achievements is healthy, but constantly comparing, boasting or talking down to people signals that you may not respect a partner either. Self-assurance that leaves room for others is far more appealing.
2. Stubbornness
Having opinions and standing up for yourself are strengths. Refusing ever to give ground, admit a mistake or consider another view is different. Relationships run on small compromises, and someone who treats every disagreement as a contest makes that very hard.
3. Immaturity
Sulking, rudeness or tantrums when things do not go your way can feel exhausting to be around. Maturity is less about age than about handling frustration calmly, taking responsibility and being considerate even when you are disappointed.
4. Being too demanding
Clear needs are good, and you should never feel you must ask for less than respect and care. But a long list of non-negotiables, constant tests or a need for attention every hour can leave a partner feeling they can never do enough. Balance asking with appreciating what is already given.
Conversation and connection
5. Leaving all the talking to him
Few things kill a date faster than one person doing all the work. You do not have to be a brilliant storyteller; asking questions, sharing your own opinions and following up on what he says keeps a conversation alive. Curiosity is one of the most attractive traits anyone can show.
6. Constantly bringing up your ex
A brief, honest mention of past relationships is normal once you know each other. Returning to an ex again and again, even to complain, can suggest unresolved feelings and makes a new partner feel compared. Keep the focus on the person in front of you.
7. Over-the-top giggling and touching
Laughing at someone's jokes and a light touch on the arm are natural ways to show interest. When every line gets a burst of laughter, though, it can come across as nervous or insincere. Genuine reactions are more flattering than constant ones.
Care and presentation
8. Poor personal hygiene
A clip from the Netflix series Orange Is the New Black shows an inmate in her underwear washing at a prison bathroom sink, the show's comic take on keeping clean in tough conditions.
This one applies to everyone. Clean clothes, fresh breath and regular showers are basic courtesy and make physical closeness pleasant. Nobody needs to look perfect, but looking after yourself shows respect for the people around you.
9. Very heavy make-up
Make-up is a personal choice, and many women wear it for themselves rather than for anyone else. Tastes vary widely, but many men say they prefer a lighter, more natural look, and a very heavy layer can hide the face they want to see. Wear what makes you feel like yourself.
Social behaviour
10. Constant drama
Everyone has bad days and real problems. Turning small irritations into crises, or regularly stirring conflict with friends and family, is draining for any partner. People are drawn to someone who brings calm into their life rather than chaos.
11. Getting very drunk in public
Enjoying a night out is fine. Drinking to the point of shouting over the music, picking arguments with strangers or needing to be looked after can be off-putting and, more importantly, can put your own safety at risk. Knowing your limit is attractive in anyone.
Myths worth dropping
Myth: you need to play hard to get. Mixed signals tend to attract people who enjoy uncertainty rather than those looking for a steady relationship. Clear, warm interest works better.
Myth: men only care about looks. Looks matter more for initial attraction, on average, but kindness, humour, reliability and shared values carry far more weight over time.
Myth: you should change yourself to be liked. The aim is not to hide your personality. It is to avoid habits that make anyone, of any gender, harder to be close to. The right partner should like the real you.
A quick self-check
- Do I ask as many questions as I answer?
- Can I admit when I am wrong without it feeling like defeat?
- Do I bring my past relationships into every new one?
- Do I treat the people around me, including waiters and strangers, with courtesy?
- Am I looking for a partner who brings out these better habits in me, too?
If most answers point in the right direction, you are already doing what matters. Attraction tends to follow people who are kind, curious and comfortable in their own skin.
Sources: David Buss (Wikipedia); Human mating strategies (Wikipedia); list idea first shared on WittyFeed; GIFs are stills from TV shows, music videos and online videos, credited to their respective owners.
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