Harvard's Making Caring Common project, based at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and led by the psychologist Richard Weissbourd, boils its advice for raising a caring, ethical child down to five habits: make caring a real priority, give children daily practice in kindness and gratitude, widen the circle of people they care about, be a moral role model, and help them handle strong, destructive feelings. None of it requires special equipment or expensive classes. It does require consistency, and a willingness to look honestly at the messages children actually receive at home.
Below we explain where the advice comes from, what each step looks like in everyday family life, and a few common misunderstandings about "raising a good kid". (The photographs in this article are stock images from Pexels.)
Where the Harvard advice comes from
Making Caring Common was set up to help parents, teachers and communities raise children who care about others and the common good. In 2014 it published a report based on a survey of young people that produced an uncomfortable headline. About 80% said their parents cared more about their achievement or happiness than about whether they were caring towards others. Respondents were also about three times more likely to agree that their parents would be prouder of good grades than of their being a caring member of their community.
The researchers did not conclude that parents do not value kindness. Most parents say it matters enormously. The gap is between what adults believe and what children hear day to day: questions about tests, praise for winning, worry about whether they are happy. The project's five recommendations are designed to close that gap.
It is worth stressing what the advice is not. It is not a formula for producing a "successful" child in the sense of top grades or a high salary. The emphasis is on character: honesty, fairness, empathy and responsibility. The researchers also make a hopeful point: children are not born simply good or bad, and their capacity for care keeps developing throughout childhood and adolescence.
Step 1: Make caring a priority, and spend real time together
Children work out what matters to their parents from what their parents notice, ask about and praise. If the first question after school is always about marks, that is what they learn to value. The project suggests making kindness just as visible, for example by asking whether your child helped anyone today, or how a friend who was having a hard time is doing.
This step also means holding children to high ethical standards: keeping promises, finishing what they started for a team or group, and treating people fairly even when it is inconvenient. Happiness matters, but it should not override everything else.
None of this works without time and attention. Children are more likely to absorb your values when they feel listened to. Some simple ways to build that connection:
- Put phones away during meals and conversations, and let your child see you do it.
- Play the games they enjoy, on their terms, now and then.
- Read together, and talk about how the characters treat each other.
- Ask open questions about their day and really listen to the answers.
Step 2: Give children daily practice in caring and gratitude
Caring is a bit like learning an instrument or a sport. It becomes natural through repetition. Children get better at kindness when they have regular chances to practise it: helping set the table, checking on a sibling who is upset, writing a thank-you note, helping a neighbour carry shopping.
The researchers recommend saving big praise for unusual acts of kindness rather than rewarding every expected chore, so that caring becomes part of who the child is rather than something done for a sticker. They also suggest making gratitude a routine, for instance by sharing at dinner or bedtime one thing each person is thankful for.
What does research say about gratitude? Studies of simple exercises, such as keeping a gratitude journal or writing a letter of thanks, have found improvements in mood and wellbeing, sometimes lasting weeks or months. Much of this work was done with adults and students, and many findings are correlational, so it is best seen as a helpful habit rather than a cure-all. Some practical ideas:
- Thank family members, teachers and neighbours by name, and encourage your child to do the same.
- Talk about times when your family or your community had less, without lecturing.
- Model appreciation yourself, rather than only reminding children to say thank you.
Step 3: Widen their circle of concern
It is completely normal for young children to care mostly about family and close friends. The challenge, according to the project, is gradually to stretch that circle to include people they do not know well: the new child in class, the person who cleans the school, a shopkeeper, people in other countries or from different cultures.
The researchers describe two skills. One is "zooming in": paying close attention to the people children see every day, including those who are easy to overlook. The other is "zooming out": taking in the bigger picture, such as how a decision affects a whole class or community, or what life is like for people far away.
Ways to help with both:
- Encourage your child to comfort a classmate who is upset or include someone who is left out.
- Talk about different religions, traditions and ways of life with curiosity, not judgment.
- Point out unfairness or prejudice when you see it in the news or in films, and ask what they think.
- Read books and watch programmes about children whose lives are very different from theirs.
Step 4: Be a strong moral role model
Children copy what they see far more than what they are told. They notice how you talk to a waiter, how you speak about a colleague behind their back, whether you keep promises and whether you admit when you are wrong.
Being a role model does not mean pretending to be perfect. One of the most powerful things a parent can do is make a mistake, acknowledge it, and apologise, showing that responsibility is part of being a decent person. The researchers also encourage families to talk through everyday ethical dilemmas together, such as what to do when a friend is being excluded or when telling the truth will cause trouble, and suggest doing community service as a family where possible.
Respecting your child is part of this. Being honest with them, explaining your reasons, and listening to their views teaches respect more effectively than any lecture. So does looking after your own wellbeing: tired, stressed parents find it much harder to show patience and warmth.
Step 5: Help them manage destructive feelings
Children often know the right thing to do but cannot manage it in the moment because anger, envy, shame or fear takes over. The project's fifth recommendation is to teach that all feelings are acceptable, while some ways of acting on them are not.
A simple technique suggested by the researchers is to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and out through the mouth, and count to five. Naming feelings out loud ("you seem really frustrated that your tower fell down") also helps younger children build the vocabulary they need to calm themselves. Older children can learn to step away, cool off and come back to solve the problem.
If a child's anger, anxiety or sadness seems persistent or severe, talk to your family doctor or a qualified child professional.
Common myths about raising a good kid
"Kind children will be pushovers." Caring is not the same as having no boundaries. Teaching empathy goes hand in hand with teaching children to stand up for themselves and others.
"If they're happy, they'll be good." Happiness and kindness are related but different. The Making Caring Common survey suggests that focusing mainly on happiness can crowd out the message that other people matter too.
"Character is fixed early." Children's moral development continues for many years. It is never too late to start the habits above.
"Technology has ruined everything." Screens do change family life, and protecting time without devices is sensible. But the core of the advice, attention, example and practice, is the same as it has always been.
Sources: Making Caring Common, Harvard Graduate School of Education; The Peninsula, 23 July 2014: Kind kids, five ways to raise children to be kind (summary of the Making Caring Common recommendations); Wikipedia: Gratitude (research on gratitude interventions); earlier summary via Peace Quarters; photographs from Pexels.
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