Originally published 2019-05-20.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have been married since 30 April 1988, which makes theirs one of the longest-running marriages in Hollywood. Asked over the years what keeps them together, the couple have pointed to a handful of simple ideas: marrying when you are ready, meeting each other halfway, standing together through illness, doing small kind things every day, accepting each other as you change, and above all choosing the right person.
Those six "rules" were popularised in a widely shared list compiled from interviews. Below we look at each one, check the facts behind it, and add what the couple's actual history shows. None of it is a guaranteed formula, but it is a useful set of questions for anyone who hopes to stay happily married for decades.
How Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson met
Hanks has said he first noticed Wilson in 1972, when she appeared in an early TV role on The Brady Bunch. They met in person in 1981, when she guest-starred on his sitcom Bosom Buddies, and reconnected in 1985 on the set of the comedy Volunteers, in which they played love interests. At that point Hanks was still married to his first wife, the actress and producer Samantha Lewes, with whom he had two children, Colin and Elizabeth.
According to E! News, Hanks and Wilson were a couple by the end of 1986. His divorce from Lewes was finalised in 1987, and he married Wilson the following spring. They have two sons, Chet and Truman, and Wilson has built her own career as an actor, producer and singer-songwriter alongside his.
Rule 1: Marry when you are ready, not in a hurry
The first piece of advice credited to Hanks is not to marry before the age of 30. The line appears in a Bright Side compilation that links to an Epoch Times interview piece, and it reflects his own experience. Hanks married Lewes in 1978, when he was in his early twenties and working constantly, and he has described that first marriage as rushed. He was 31 when he married Wilson.
The age itself is not magic. What Hanks seems to mean is that marriage should be a deliberate decision, made when you know yourself and your partner well. Research on divorce broadly supports the spirit of this: couples who marry in their teens face clearly higher divorce rates than those who wait, though the benefit of waiting levels off and plenty of younger couples thrive. Readiness, shared values and stable finances matter more than any birthday.
Rule 2: Meet your partner halfway
Tom Hanks (@tomhanks) on
Hanks shared the post above on 30 April 2018, the couple's 30th wedding anniversary. Their marriage is a good example of compromise in action. Wilson, born Margarita Ibrahimoff in Los Angeles in 1956, was raised in the Greek Orthodox Church; her mother was an ethnic Greek raised in southern Albania, and her father, a Pomak (Bulgarian Muslim) born in northern Greece, converted to Orthodoxy when he married. Hanks, whose family background mixed Catholic and Mormon influences and who was an evangelical Christian as a teenager, converted to Greek Orthodoxy before their wedding.
The couple's connection to Greece has only grown. In December 2019 Greece granted Hanks, Wilson and their children honorary citizenship, in recognition of their support for the victims of the 2018 wildfire at Mati, near Athens. Meeting halfway, in their case, meant embracing a whole family and culture, not just a church.
Rule 3: Support each other through the hardest moments
Hanks has thanked Wilson publicly at the biggest moments of his career. Accepting his second Best Actor Oscar, for Forrest Gump at the 1995 ceremony, he said that "the woman I share my life with has taught me and demonstrates for me every day just what love is." The line is sometimes misdated to his first win, for Philadelphia, a year earlier.
The real test came in 2015. On 14 April Wilson announced that she had been diagnosed with invasive lobular carcinoma, a form of breast cancer, and had undergone a double mastectomy with reconstruction the week before. She credited a second opinion with catching the disease and said she was expected to make a full recovery. She took a month off from the Broadway play Fish in the Dark for the surgery, and later said she was "blown away by the care my husband gave me."
In March 2020 the roles were shared. While Hanks was filming Elvis on Australia's Gold Coast, both of them tested positive for COVID-19 and were treated at Gold Coast University Hospital before recovering in isolation. Back in Los Angeles, they donated blood for antibody research. Facing a frightening illness side by side, and publicly, became one more chapter in their story.
The practical lesson is that support is something you show, not something you say. If a partner is facing a health scare, practical help, presence at appointments and patience are often worth more than any speech. For any medical concerns of your own, talk to a doctor, and do not hesitate to ask for a second opinion.
Rules 4 and 5: Small gestures, and loving each other as you change
Hanks is a famous collector of manual typewriters and uses them almost daily. According to the Bright Side compilation, which draws on an E! News interview, he types notes for Wilson and leaves them around the house, and he sends her photographs of his day when they are apart. Wilson often travels with him to film locations, and the two are frequently photographed holding hands at premieres and games.
The fifth rule is about acceptance. Hanks has joked that Wilson has stuck with him through every change in weight and hairline that his roles demanded, and in 2016 he summed up his feelings to E! News with three words: "I'm a lucky man." Over a long marriage both partners age, change careers and go through phases. Loving the person rather than a fixed image of them is what lets a relationship survive those shifts.
Small rituals like these are supported by relationship research too. Couples who regularly express appreciation and respond warmly to each other's everyday bids for attention tend to report higher satisfaction than couples who save affection for special occasions.
Rule 6: Find the right person, then keep choosing them
Rita Wilson (@ritawilson) on
Wilson shared the post above in March 2019. When interviewers ask Hanks for the secret to his marriage, he usually laughs off the idea of a formula and says it comes down to marrying the right woman. He has also joked that if there were a secret, they would bottle it and sell it.
There are a few myths worth setting aside when reading celebrity marriage advice:
- Myth: famous couples have a secret recipe. Hanks himself rejects the idea. What shows up in their story is ordinary: commitment, humour and showing up for each other.
- Myth: the right person means no conflict. Long marriages still involve disagreement. What matters is how a couple repairs after an argument.
- Myth: one couple's rules apply to everyone. An age limit or a religious conversion worked for this couple. Your own circumstances, values and timing may call for different choices.
The most useful takeaway is the pattern behind all six points. Hanks and Wilson chose each other deliberately, made room for each other's families and faith, stayed close through illness, and kept doing small things that show they are paying attention. Those are habits any couple can practise, with or without a red carpet.
Sources: Wikipedia: Tom Hanks; Wikipedia: Rita Wilson; E! News: Inside Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson's love story; CBS News: Rita Wilson has breast cancer, undergoes double mastectomy; Bright Side: 6 rules of a happy marriage according to Tom Hanks. Photos: Everett Collection, Associated Press, REPORTER and AFP via East News; Instagram posts by @tomhanks and @ritawilson.
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